Tag: widow

2 Months

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Feels like 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years…somehow all at the same time. I had a really strange dream about him last night. To understand my dream you would have to know that Jason ALWAYS had chapstick in his pocket…and I never did. I was forever asking to use his…or kissing him after he put it on…maybe TMI…but this is my blog after all…lol. In my dream he had three chapsticks in his pocket…but one of them was the BAD chapstick…I snuck it away from him and then was trying to find somewhere in our closet to hide it because if he found it something BAD would happen. It was very unsettling to wake up after that…but at least I slept?

Today I met up with a friend of mine who specializes in turning t-shirts, sweatshirts, and other clothing into quilts. She is making me one out of Jason’s favorites…all those tennis t-shirts, a few shirts from trips, a marching band sweatshirt for our Anna. It felt like the right decision to give them to her…but there were a couple tears on the way home. It is hard to let go…even of these things I know I will get back in a way that I can actually use.

This is a bit of a bookend week for me. 2 months today and then Jason’s birthday is on Friday. I hate all the “firsts” without him. I’m already dreading the Holidays. If it weren’t for the kids I would just pretend they aren’t happening.

Bunco

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Tonight I let one of my friends talk me into going to her neighborhood ladies’ bunco night. In the “normal” past I would have been all excited to try something new…there would have been no having to “talk me into it”…now it is just hard.

Social situations give me anxiety in a way they never have before. I have an impossible time relaxing…having fun is hard and makes me feel guilty…I don’t want to be a downer…I feel out of place…staying home in my “safe place” is a lot easier.

Tonight I tried it though and I had fun! I had a couple times where I had to take a few deep breaths and tell myself I was fine…but for the most part I did okay! They seemed to like me and even invited me back…so I guess I wasn’t too quiet and weird. It was a really good ending to a rough, rough week.

Sleep has been impossible lately. I am having a really hard time not having Jason next to me. I find myself laying on my side facing away from his side of the bed…as far to the edge as I can get…like I just want to avoid the emptiness. Linc sleeps with me which kind of helps me fall asleep initially, but I always wake up after about 2 hours and then can’t get back to sleep. I feel like I have permagrit behind my eyelids and the bags under my eyes are unreal.

I had the Vets scheduled to come today and pick up a few bags of Jason’s old clothes. I sorted through the majority of his clothes on Monday…saving some and donating some. I felt okay while I was doing that, then the time came this morning to put out those bags and I just couldn’t talk myself into taking that step. It just doesn’t feel right to get rid of any of his things yet. Someday…maybe…

March 2020: Blissfully Unaware of the Cause of His Headaches

Most Days

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This wasn’t going to be a poem post…but this is how my words want to come out tonight I guess.

Most days I feel like I am pretty good
At hiding true emotion.
I get through my day at work
Hide that my heart is broken.

People ask me how I am.
I lie and say I'm fine.
Hanging in there.
One day at a time.

Some days I hold it all in
Until I pull into the garage,
Then all the little reminders
Hit me in a barrage.

Today was not most days.
The mask would not stay up.
My eyes kept overflowing.
There was a huge hole in my cup.

I couldn't lie when people asked me
Are you doing okay today?
All I could do was shake my head
And say the tears won't stay away.

But then you know what happened?
I let some people in-
Affirmed that I am not alone
And now I can breathe again.

Today I feel his presence
I know he would be proud of me
For reaching out to those we love
Who are grieving alongside me.

Grief is an impossible journey
That never really ends
But together maybe we have a chance
As it twists, and turns, and bends.
2016

8 Weeks

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Tomorrow…Wednesday will be 8 weeks. Every day is worse. My hurt keeps getting deeper. My missing him gets more and more. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t know how to center myself without Jason here to “talk me off the ledge”, help me find grace, and remind me about the important things in life. He knew just how to do that….listen to me…and then defuse. He wasn’t afraid to tell me when I was being ridiculous…and he was always right. Now everything feels huge.

Relationships with other people are hard. They take a lot of energy. I feel like everyone is tiptoeing around me…not sure what to say or do. Should they talk about Jason? Not talk about Jason? YES PLEASE! Talk about Jason. That is all that is on my mind. Tell me your memories. Talk about the good times. If I start to cry that is okay…at least I’m not crying alone all by myself.

I feel this weird possessiveness over all things Jason…like Golum in the Lord of the Rings. “mine. mine. mine. my precious”. I just want him back. So badly. He should be here.

I keep pushing people away. Not responding to texts, phone calls, emails. Inadvertently hurting people that try to help. Then I feel left out and am hurt even more. Too many feelings…all conflicting with each other. No one that really seems to get me. I don’t even get myself.

Someday it will get better?

Snapshots of Memories

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Jason was the photographer in our family. He would often take a picture and then say…”documented”…as if it was his job to make sure that particular moment was preserved for all time. He would make fun of the pictures I would try to take. I’m not good at lighting…setting the scene…centering…not getting my fingers in the picture…all that photographering stuff.

Now I am constantly flipping through the pictures on my phone. I feel like Harry Potter gazing into the Mirror of Erised at his heart’s desire. And now through the magic of live photos on my iPhone I can see the photos come to life for a few seconds…also very Potteresque. I have one of those live photos as the lock screen on my phone right now. Feels like a million times a day I press my finger to it just to watch Jason grin as I nuzzle my (probably freezing cold) nose into his neck

And since all my thoughts ramble around in my head as verse these days…

Photos

Photos hold a power
They are more than just a face
Nay...they are a memory
Frozen in time and space

All the trips we took together
Hikes at the state park
Holidays and everydays
Selfies taken on a lark

Now I look at photos
Searching for his smile
Bringing me good memories
At least for a little while

Others look at the pictures
And remark how happy he looks
We had the greatest life
One for the history books

But all they see are the smiles
Not the memory
Those are private moments
No one can take from me.

The Power of Poetry

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I brought one book with me this weekend. It is a book of poetry that grabbed my attention: “100 Poems to Break Your Heart” by Edward Hirsch. Maybe an odd choice as I clearly don’t need my heart broken any further, but I am really enjoying it. Hirsch compiled poems from the last two hundred years from all over the world and then does a literary breakdown of them….which would be hell on Earth for some people to read, but my English Lit brain loves it. In his introduction he says “Poetry companions us. Poems are written in solitude, but they reach out to others, which makes poetry a social act”….”We become less isolated in our sorrow, and thus are befriended by the words of another.” LOVE that!

This poem has been writing itself in my head for the past 24 hours…insisting that I spit it out on a page.

The Phoenix

I come to the place of past happiness
Alone
When I arrive the night air is nippy and
Dark
I open the door and am welcomed by sweet
Warmth
I thought this place would bring sadness coming
Alone

Instead I feel like I am able to breathe to
Exhale
I wrestle the cork out of my wine bottle and
Sigh
My physical body is spent my spiritual body
Exhausted
I turn down the duvet on the double bed and
Balk

I pilch the pillows and a blanket and shuffle to the sofa
Solitary Sleep

The sun rises in the morning in breathtaking
Beauty
A solitary green heron watches with me in
Stillness
I wonder if it’s the same one I saw when I was not
Alone
I shift and it startles gives me one last stare and
Soars

The steam from my coffee cup rises in the
Cold
My nose is nippy and I wish for your warm neck to
Nuzzle
I sit and ruminate on the nature of being
Alone
How to find elusive peace and happiness in this unwelcome 
Solitude

My toes and fingers have now joined my nose in the nip I seek warmth
Inside

I take refuge in my makeshift nest of blankets and pillows seeking
Comfort
One thought is blaring above the rest who am I
Now
Before it was easy as a beloved mother and
Wife
Now a new unwelcome me has intruded named
Widow

The counselor says through grief there is a
Transformation
I loved the me I was before when we were
Us
This transformation sounds tenuous and
Painful
I want to retreat back into my cocoon and
Sleep

I feel like fading into forever except I have a crucial role as
Mother

In the evening I build a fire and feel the
Heat
A lone seagull sits and screeches shrilly
Calling
I feel like we are kindred spirits on this earthly
Plane
The lake is calm also holding secrets in its
Depths

The fire burned hot and fast now
Dying
The wood turns first to coal and then to
Ash
My mind imagines another fire a
Pyre
Your body like the wood first coal then
Ash

I struggle to rise anew as a phoenix out of the
Flame

Morning Ruminations

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Usually when the sun comes up in the morning I am annoyed with it blaring right into my eyes as I am driving Levi to Eastview. This morning I was able to take it in and enjoy it’s beauty and feel almost optimistic for a brand new day.

Watching couples together is emotional for me. Not that I need or want couples to stay away from me…not at all. It just really makes me miss Jason and being in that kind of relationship…that secret world where only the two of you exist. This morning there were two couples in a boat that trolled in front of the cabin for hours fishing. I found myself just watching them and making up little stories in my head about them.

In order to ever find any kind of peace I need to try to let go of a lot of anger, hurt, regret, doubt from the past year and a half…and longer. Some of it at myself. Some at other people. None of which I am going to unpack in this blog…I’m not that person.

In order to ever find any sort of happiness again I have to start loving myself in the same way Jason loved me. He left me the perfect blueprint for what to do…I just need to follow it. He knew the things that would “fill my cup”…a lot of them I spoke about in his Eulogy. He knew “when to hand me my running shoes, pour me a glass of wine, leash up the dogs for a hike in the woods, hold me tight”. My running shoes gave me his permission to take a break…get out of the house…do something good for myself…lose myself in music or thoughts. A glass of wine usually went hand-in-hand with something quiet…a book…a quiet evening on the couch…games with our kids. A hike in the woods connected me with nature…took me away from my own small worries and fears and let me see the bigger picture. Just having this short time in this cabin by the lake I can feel my perspectives shift in a way that is almost tangible. It’s the “hold me tight” that’s hard…maybe it’s just remembering my links to other people…and that I am not alone…even though it feels that way sometimes.

The sun is finally warming it up outside after a cool morning. Jason would be proud of me for all the warm clothes I packed, but they weren’t enough to enjoy sitting outside for very long this morning. I’m going to try it again…

Alexandria, I’m Coming

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Sometimes I forget that losing the love of my life doesn’t mean that I’ve lost everyone who loves me….and then I am reminded.

Yesterday I felt like I was at a very low point…feeling like I was trying to pick myself up…do things that are good for me…and in the end just being exhausted. My days are so full of “stuff” that I “have to” do…by the time I sit to have a few moments to myself it is often 9pm or later and I am just oh so tired. I process my thoughts for a few moments by writing…so grateful that I discovered this outlet and was encouraged to keep at it by so many people…and then collapsing in to bed.

Yesterday I was trying to make dinner and cry at the same time…couldn’t even blame it on onions…and I started texting with my besties from high school…saying I was just done and really needed some time alone. A couple insensitive comments had been made to me by different people and I was hanging on by a thread…trying to remember that people just don’t think before their mouths start flapping. When I was asked where I would want to go it just popped into my head…I really want to go back to the cabin in Alexandria where Jason and I stayed for a few days last August to celebrate our anniversary.

So thanks to them and to several other friends that are holding down the fort for me at home…I am taking some time…to sit by the lake…write…read…cry…hopefully find some little shred of peace so that I can come back even the tiniest bit better.

Winnie the Pooh

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I am so out of sorts today I am having a hard time even getting my words down. Maybe as I write about my weekend something will start to make sense. Friday evening was such a good surprise with Anna coming home. I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and am so proud of her.

Yesterday, Anna and I went to Taylors Falls and a winery up there with Jeremy and Cheryl, my SIL Jackie, and our friend Ian. We walked around downtown Taylors Falls and enjoyed going in the little shops there. Anna was excited to find some pots and plants. I found a few goodies too…including a galvanized steel pail with a gnome cut out of the side. I may have more than a slight obsession with gnomes. I also bought a matted print of this quote by Winnie the Pooh, “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live a hundred minus one day, so I would never have to live a day without you”. Ooof….that just hit me right in the feels…and I can’t stop thinking about it

The winery was nice. The wine was good. There were a couple guys playing live music. I was just having a hard time having a good time. I felt like I was sitting there and everything was going on around me…and I just…was. All these couples there together…having a nice relaxing day. There was a young couple there with their baby and dog…dancing around to the music….probably not even realizing how damn lucky they are.

At one point I grabbed my wine glass…not realizing a bee had landed on the outside…and got stung. Right on the knuckle of my ring finger. I took my rings off right away…my wedding ring and Jason’s band…because my knuckle swelled up. The bee was probably Jason’s way of telling me to stop drinking so much.

I really hate not having my rings on though. Last night I had a dream that I was looking all over the place for them. Everyone kept asking me “why would you want them? You’re not married anymore.” But I am. I so am.

So today has been hard. I was putting laundry away this morning and just sat in my closet sobbing. I don’t outright cry that much. I get teary…yes…but downright sobbing…not very much. Maybe it’s because I just feel so numb a lot of the time….just going through the motions.

The thought running through my head today that I’m sure stems from that Winnie the Pooh quote…we are told all the time through songs and other media that love is finding that person that we can’t live without…what are we supposed to do when we find that person, but then have to live without them? Honestly, I’m kind of pissed that I have to figure it out. Why don’t Jason and I deserve our happily-ever-after?

Anna and I

Birthday Recap

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Today is my birthday…44 years. I have always loved my birthday. This year I was dreading it. I have felt myself getting wound up about it for the past week or so…my body and emotions just getting tighter and tighter. This morning was the first morning where I really did not want to even get out of bed. I just laid there and laid there and laid there…before finally getting up 20 minutes before I had to be out the door. I missed Jason’s “Happy Birthday Babe” voice in my ear….so much

I had contemplated trying to take some if not all of the day off work today. I am glad that I didn’t because I really felt the love there today. My work peeps continue to take care of me…coffee, chocolate, lunch, flowers, cards, check-ins. Having my mind semi-occupied and being around people was much better than roaming around the house. At least I had people around to hug me when I was teary….and I was many, many times.

Anna called to wish me a Happy Birthday this afternoon. She is doing so good at school. I’m glad that she is having such a great year and having a fantastic college experience. The boys made plans with Jeremy and Cheryl (my BIL and SIL) to take me out for dinner. We went to a newer restaurant in Apple Valley that we had not been to before. A few friends met us there which was a great surprise. Dinner followed by drinks and cards was exactly what I needed today.

I had so many other calls, texts, porch drops, cards, etc from family and friends that I have not had a chance to respond to yet…my day was kept so busy. Thank you…thank you…for thinking about me today. It means so much to me. I appreciate you all.

All of these “first time” things without the love of my life are excruciatingly hard. I don’t even know how to explain it. I just wish he were still here at my side…enjoying life together like we were supposed to be…for many, many more years. It’s hard to find joy in life without my love to share it with.