Today was a nice ending to a topsy-turvy week. I went to Jason’s Mom and Dad’s house and had the best time sharing memories with them and my SIL, Jackie. We laughed…we cried…we supported each other in our sadness over losing Jason…we ate birthday cake. It was just what I needed…and I wish I would have done it sooner.
This morning I finished reading a book called, “It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand” by Megan Devine. I read it through the first time kind of fast and now feel like I need to read it again to really soak it in, but this is the start of Chapter One and I feel every word of this so deeply
Here’s what I most want you to know: this really is as bad as you think.
No matter what anyone else says, this sucks. What has happened cannot be made right. What is lost cannot be restored. There is no beauty here, inside this central fact.
Acknowledgement is everything.
You’re in pain. It can’t be made better.
The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of.
You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.
Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried”
p. 3
And that is why today was what I needed. No one was trying to “fix” me….or cheer me up….or got uncomfortable when I cried. No one was offering me empty platitudes…telling me I should be grateful because he’s in a “better place”. We all want him back here…and miss him so deeply.
On my way home I could almost feel Jason sitting next to me with his hand on my leg. I almost reached down a couple times to put my hand on top of his and rub my fingers on his weird fingernail that had this ridge in it…as I would often do while driving. And then I started thinking about a poem that I have been working on and all the words to finish it came to me. This one is for you Kent and Jan from Jason.
When you think of me I know your hearts are sad. But I loved you more than anything, Mom and Dad. You taught me how to swing a bat Eat all my peas Hit the ball Right off the tees You were my biggest hero In my athletic career For every game and match In the stands you’d cheer. You taught me how to be a man How to live with integrity Stand up for what I believe in Let no one pressure me. You taught me how to be a husband I had an amazing wife We loved each other and were so happy All our married life. You taught me how to be a dad To my sons and daughter The greatest blessings of my life I was a very lucky father. Someday when you look at my pictures I hope that you can grin Although my life was way too short I’d do it all again.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 