When Jason was battling Glioblastoma I faithfully kept up his Caring Bridge site. Although I had never written much of anything in the past, I found that many people enjoyed my writing style…loved being able to keep up with our journey…learn more about us through my posts…and that the writing was therapeutic for me. Now I hope that with this blog I can continue to reflect on the past…mourn in the present…and maybe find some hope for the future.
Love was the building block upon which Jason and I built our whole entire lives around. We loved each other and our children with everything we had. I’m not sure yet what my life looks like without the love of my life in it. It is hard to look forward to a future of loneliness. I am grateful that he left me with three beautiful children to live for.
Tennis has been a big part of our lives from the very beginning. It is what brought Jason to UW-Eau Claire where we met. Jason played tennis for many, many years and we made numerous fantastic friends through tennis. Many of our trips and great memories are tennis-related. Our children have all been involved in tennis…playing and coaching. I work at a local fitness club in the Tennis Center and have a great support system there.
Cancer is a word that you never, ever want to hear in relation to someone you love. Glioblastoma in particular is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is a brutal disease….stealing away bits and pieces of its victim little by little, day by day. For 15 months cancer consumed our whole entire lives…and now our lives are irreparable changed because of it.
I have been enjoying some cabin time in Minong, WI. Anna, Levi, the dogs and I drove up last Thursday. Levi drove home yesterday because he had to work today. Seth was unable to make it this year because of work. It’s hard planning family time with 3 working, adult kids! Last August we were up at this same cabin. The weather was glorious and I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of just “cabin life” spending my days on the deck by the water. However, my kids informed me that they were bored last year and wanted to venture out more this year. Luckily, by “venture out” they mean go hiking different places…something I happen to love to do as well.
Friday morning we checked out the Trego Nature Trail. It was a lovely 3 mile loop with lots of great views of the Namekegon River. We finished the hike just in time for some rain to roll in. We spent a lot of time playing games that afternoon/evening.
Saturday we headed to Superior, WI and explored the beach at Wisconsin Point Park. The dogs were in Heaven. They loved it so much. They were living their best life terrorizing sea gulls. We also revisited one of my favorite places that we went to last year…Amnicon Falls State Park. I need to go back there sometime when I am by myself and can just find a spot to sit by the river and soak it in for a bit.
Sunday we mostly hung around the cabin. We went out to get coffee in the morning and then Levi left right after lunch. Anna and I hung out in the afternoon…reading…playing games…getting the dogs out swimming.
Today Anna wanted to go to Duluth. She found a trail in Chester Park that she wanted to do. It was a great hike along a river with a few little waterfalls. Luckily, there was a local guy and his dog near the kiosk with the trail map on it who gave us great advice on the best trail to take. After the hike we went down to Canal Park and walked out to the lighthouse on the pier, strolled down the boardwalk for a bit, and then stopped and had the biggest ice cream cone I have ever experienced for lunch. It was amazing to me how little Anna remembers from all the times we had vacationed on the North Shore over the years. In fact, I was telling her that many years we would go up on Father’s Day and stay until Wednesday. She replied with, “Did we ride a train? I think I vaguely remember a train”. I just said “yes”. So odd that’s the thing she remembers!
It’s been some good, recharging time away…it’ll be hard to leave in a couple days…
I haven’t written in a little bit…where to start? Let’s start with the fun stuff. I’ve been pretty busy adventuring the past month or so. Anna and I took a trip to Portland, Oregon over Memorial Day weekend to visit my brother and his family. The trip was spectacular. Highlights include: 8 mile hike at Silver Falls State Park that took us to 10 waterfalls-3 of which we could walk behind, Powell’s Books, Kate’s Ice Cream, Rose Garden, Rhododendron Garden, Hoyt Arboretum Redwood Trail, Cannon Beach, Astoria, and a handful of breweries-my favorite is still Steeplechase. The best part is always getting to spend time with family. Getting to know my nephews and niece as the young men and woman they are becoming is so great. I love interacting with that age group…when they’re really starting to figure themselves out. Bonus that they live in Oregon which I’m falling in love with more and more. I’m already trying to figure out when I can sneak back out there.
I’m trying to fit camping in where I can this summer. My weekends are already filling up, but I did manage one night so far. I went South this time down to Sakatah Lake State Park near Faribault, MN. I bought a new mattress for the back of my Bronco and had my best nights sleep in quite awhile. I’m really starting to get the solo camping thing figured out. The next thing I need to find is some sort of canopy…maybe that I can rig kind of off the side of my Bronco. Without that I get stuck inside my Bronco if it starts to rain. I haven’t found the perfect thing yet though.
Last week I started taking guitar lessons at MacPhail. I had been trying to teach myself using an app and had kind of hit a plateau where I knew I just needed a human to help me out and give me some feedback. I got frustrated and just gave up…but knew it was something I still wanted to learn so I started looking for in-person lessons. I am so excited to finally be starting them. I love my instructor. I told him that I wanted to start from the very basics and I’m really glad that I did because in the first lesson I already realized some things technique-wise that I was doing wrong that will really make a difference.
This past weekend I was in Alexandria, MN with a friend of mine. We were hoping to get some kayaking/paddleboarding in, but the weather did not cooperate with us…cooler temps and very windy. We still had a really good time. We went to the Farmer’s Market Saturday morning and then checked out downtown Alexandria a little bit. We found a brewery to have lunch at. It had a great vibe and good food and beer…winning combination. In the afternoon we did a puzzle, went for a walk, and did some reading. I also managed to sit outside each morning and drink my coffee and do some writing. Best way to start the day.
Now the not so fun stuff. This week I make a therapist transition. Two years ago when I first started therapy I immediately clicked with my therapist Tara. I saw her for about a year before she left…moved to Montana. I was devastated. That was extremely hard for me, but I ended up also really liking my new therapist, Leah. Now Leah is leaving, but Tara is back from Montana…so I’m going to start seeing Tara again. I am warming up to the idea, but it was a really hard choice for me to make. In my head I know that she moved to Montana because it was the right thing for her, but in my heart she abandoned me. I think maybe the first part of the session will feel just a little awkward…and then it will be just like “old times”. Honestly, she knows me well enough that she will probably know all my reservations and feelings and we’ll talk through them.
I was joking with somebody that going back to Tara will be easier than starting over with somebody new because she already knows all the characters…all the stories…all the problems. And then as I was thinking about that it was like “Ugh…nothing has changed. All the same problems”. In the year that I saw Tara we worked a lot on my relationship with myself. She was super supportive of my writing and I would read quite a bit of what I wrote to her. There was a lot of figuring out who I am as a person. When she left and I started seeing Leah my focus and goals shifted more outward to relationships with other people and my place in the world…and I think that is the part that has been frustrating and painful…where I look back on this past year and feel failure.
So I think it’s time to start looking more inward. And I know that there is nobody better to do that with than Tara.
May is Brain Cancer Awareness month. Other years I’ve posted statistics about Glioblastoma…how aggressive it is…how little hope there is…how much treatment sucks…how advances in the treatment are basically nonexistent for the last 30 years or so…yada yada. This year I just didn’t. Maybe I feel like nothing I do or say will help. I don’t know.
May is also the month when Jason was diagnosed and had his first brain surgery…6 years ago now…6!!!!??? Diagnosed on May 4th…had his first surgery on May 12th. Last week I went down a bit of a rabbit hole…reading Caring Bridge posts from those first weeks. A lot of that time feels surreal now…especially with the added stress of the Covid pandemic happening at the same time. I will never forget how it felt when I had to drop Jason off at the door of the hospital for his first surgery. My husband with a tumor in his head who was pretty easily confused at that point…drop him off at the door and just hope he makes it to the right place…and that I see him again.
Working in the yard this time of year always brings me back to that time. My first really big clue that something was “wrong” with Jason was when we were trying to figure out how much mulch we needed for an area of the yard. He kept getting confused and reworking the math…very unlike him. I still have the post-it with all his scribbles and computations. Levi and I are talking about mulching again this weekend…
Levi is home for the summer. Finished his first year of college already…has a whole plan that will eventually result in a PhD in Physical Therapy Rehabilitation. I’ve been thinking a lot about how Jason never got to know his kids at the ages they are now…adults! Anna was just about to start her second year of college when Jason died…Seth had just graduated high school…Levi was still in middle school. What would he think of the young adults that they have become?
With Mother’s Day this past weekend I’ve been thinking a lot about how keeping sight and focus on the kind of Mom I want to be for my kids has really been the primary thing keeping me going for the past years. Going from “parenting in partnership” to “parenting solo amongst a whole hell of a lot of grief and emotion” still takes a lot of my focus. I don’t want my kids to sit on a therapist’s couch someday talking about the trauma of having their Dad pass away and then having a Mom who was absent. Nope. My kids will always have me…my love…my support…and constant reminders of their Dad.
So I did the logical thing that people (maybe just me) do when they’re going through something…got a new tattoo. Actually, I saw a meme the other day that was along the lines of “Life in my 40’s hard. I deserve stickers too” in relationship to tattoos and I agree with that….as I just finished one and am already thinking about what’s next. This tattoo has been in my thoughts for a long time and the artist that I went to (Ellie at Northern Belle in St. Paul) nailed it perfectly. The fox and flowers wrap around my whole forearm. Foxes have become a thing for me in the past five years. The morning that Jason died I looked out into the backyard and there was a fox trotting through the yard. Now I collect them whenever I see them (notice the overalls)…and have a permanent one on my arm.
Today had a different vibe for me than yesterday. While yesterday I was embracing my solo adventure, today at times felt…awkward…scary…uncomfortable…lonely. I started the day out with a couple lazy cups of coffee in bed. Then I decided to head to this sourdough bakery that my therapist recommended called Cultured. Delightful place out in the middle of nowhere. I got there and ordered my breakfast sandwich. And that’s when the awkward set in…very small place…not much seating…none that is great for one person. And right after I ordered a steady stream of people just kept coming in. I think the line was out the door for the rest of the time that I was there. I would’ve liked to sit and enjoy my breakfast more, but I felt like I was just taking up unnecessary space…so kind of gulped down my food and left. It was delicious…I think.
From there I headed to Peninsula State Park. They have a really cool observation tower that is accessible via steps or an awesome ramp/bridge situation….great for handicapped accessibility or strollers. Gorgeous views of Green Bay from up there.
After checking that out I decided I wanted to go on a hike. There’s a 2 mile hike called Eagle View that I decided was about the length that I wanted to do. I saw the signs for “Difficult” at the trailhead…and well…I totally ignored those babies. Feeling all badass. Whelp…guess what? The trail was difficult…more like treacherous. I really had no business hiking it solo. When I wasn’t scampering on shifting rocks on the edge of a cliff…I was navigating roots on a slope. It was one thing after another. And then I heard a noise off to my left. I paused because it was a pretty big rustle and snapping of twigs…and then I spotted it…a freaking coyote! And my imagination took off on me….it was hunting me because I was the only one stupid enough to be hiking solo…etc…etc…etc. So I’m trying to walk faster…but yet not eat shit (as Levi says) because of the terrain…planning in my head how I’m going to take the damn thing out with my purse if it attacks…letting Jason know I might be seeing him soon…all the things. I have never been happier to get back to my Bronco in my life…and I decided that I don’t need to be a badass all the time…although it was beautiful…and went right down to the water.
I was done hiking for the day after that. There’s a really nice road that winds through the park where you can pull off and get great views at a couple spots. There is also a lighthouse that you can stop and look at. I think there are tours during the season.
After all that excitement my next thought was to find somewhere for lunch and libations. I decided to check out Lautenbach’s Orchard Country right outside of Fish Creek. It had a really extensive market, but right when I was about to figure out how to order a wine flight a bachelorette party of like 20 girls walked in…and that was it for me. I bought a 4-pack that sounded intriguing to-go and left. I think the wine scene in Door County trends more towards sweet wine from what I can tell anyway. I tend to like the drier wines better.
I ended up back in Fish Creek and bellied-up to the bar in a restaurant called Hill Street. This was not the first time I have eaten in a restaurant solo, but it was the first time I have sat at the bar. It was relaxing. I didn’t feel like I was taking up unnecessary space at a table. I ordered a Bloody Mary…which was excellent…and a Spotted Cow…because…well…WI.
My last stop before heading back to my place was the bookstore so I could buy the other three books in the series I started. The owner remembered me and we chatted a little bit about the author and he recommended some others that I might like. There was another patron in there and she ended up buying the first book after I raved about it. So now I can spend a relaxing evening reading…and trying some of the wine spritzer that I bought at Lautenbach’s…
Even, though there were some times today that didn’t feel great, it was still a fantastic day. I don’t have any regrets. I pushed myself and my limits of what I believe is possible for myself…and I had fun!
I’m on a solo adventure…spending a long weekend in Door County, WI. Why Door County you may ask? Well…honestly, I’m not sure! A few weeks ago I knew I needed to get something on my calendar…I opened the AirBNB app and somehow ended up booking a place in Door County. I think it was a combination of wanting to go somewhere different…and also feeling like I wanted to stretch myself by going further away from home. When I found a great deal on a cute little studio apartment above a retail shop on Main Street of Fish Creek it sealed the decision.
I remember a trip to Door County when I was a kid…maybe 5th or 6th grade. We camped at Peninsula State Park, picked cherries (a whole cooler-full), and visited my great-grandparents in Seymour on the way home. I think that was when I realized that I actually love cherries…just not anything cherry-flavored…or maraschino cherries. Yuck! I really don’t remember much else.
I am here at the perfect time of year for me…off-season. Sure…some things aren’t open…but I don’t care! I love the solitude. I love being able to walk on a beach and not see another soul.
I love walking a trail and feeling perfect communion with the world around me. I can stop…close my eyes…breathe…and nobody looks at me funny.
The past couple weeks have been…complicated…for me. I’ve given myself closure in areas that have been painful and confusing for years. I think I finally realized that closure isn’t something one gets from someone else…it’s a gift one gives themselves. It’s realizing that some things will never make sense and will probably always hurt, but are done.
And then about the same time, I was blindsided by my therapist telling me that she is leaving. And in my head all I hear is “leaving me”. And it’s another loss. Another person abandoning me. Another person that I trust turning away. Another person to grieve. And that’s a path that never gets easier for me to travel. And even though I know that our relationship is “professional”. I am her job. And I know she is leaving because it’s the best thing for her family right now. I KNOW that. But damn does it feel personal. It brings up all the same old crap in my head: Why am I not enough? Why does everyone leave? What’s wrong with me?
So…in the back of my head…I’m always thinking “What am I going to do now?” I don’t feel “done” with therapy. When I think of not having a therapist to talk to every week it puts me in a bit of a panic state. So I guess starting over with a new therapist is my only option…and that also makes me want to puke…so that’s great!
But…for the next few days I’m on an adventure! Yesterday when I got here I explored Fish Creek a little bit. Stopped in at the Fish Creek Market and bought some local beer…then headed to the bookstore that is conveniently located right across the street from where I’m staying and bought a local mystery…and spent a very enjoyable evening reading on my deck. I already finished the book and will be going back tomorrow for the second in the series…and yes…I know that’s a MN beer, but I hadn’t had it before…and I did also have some others that were local…not pictured 🙂
Today, I went to Cave Point County Park…where the pictures above were taken. If you are ever in the area, I highly recommend. Gorgeous views of Lake Michigan…and she was a pretty angry lake today…lots of big waves. I also checked out a delightful Brewery/Bakery…yes, interesting combination…called Sway in Bailey’s Harbor. I highly recommend that as well. I was there before they were serving their lunch menu and they didn’t even blink when I ordered a pilsner with my breakfast burrito…lol.
I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. What is it exactly? If somebody were to ask you the question “Are you happy?” What do you say to that? It trips me up. Am I happy? Merriam-Webster defines “happy” as “enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment”. I think I equate being happy with feeling a sense of inner-peace…rightness in my world. Those moments are hard to come by…but they do happen…even if they are AND moments for me…happy AND sad…happy AND lonely. And I wonder is it that the ANDs taint the happy…or do the ANDs enrich the happy?
I think having “base-layer” sadness has helped me to recognize the glimpses of happy more quickly when they happen. Kind of like flashes of light in a dark cave. Moments of connection with family and friends. Watching my kids interact with each other. Seeing glimpses of Jason in them. Times when I realize that I can trust myself to take care of myself. Realizing that I do have something to give in relationships…after just feeling like the “needy” one for so long…such a shitty feeling. And while those moments may have gotten taken for granted before…now they are treasured.
I have also been working on taking ownership of my own happiness…and conversely realizing that other people’s happiness is their own responsibility. This is hard when my life has taken a very unexpected, and very unwelcome turn completely out of my control. On bad days I’m pissed off about it and it feels impossible to even think about the future in any sort of hopeful way. On good days I can almost convince myself it’s an exciting adventure…almost. Most days are somewhere in the middle….focusing on the glimpses.
Tomorrow is Easter. My kids are all home. Do we have any big plans? Nope. I think Levi said he wants to make cinnamon rolls. And what I’ve come to realize…maybe even more around holidays…big plans are so unnecessary. I’ll be happy with another moment with our kids…as I talk to Jason in my head about how awesome they are….smiling AND having teary eyes.
I’ve restarted this blog post like three times. I want to write a post about how I’m feeling pretty good right now. I’ve managed to string a week…maybe a week and a half even…of good days together. But “feeling good” is hard to admit to myself…let alone admit it to others. It’s hard for me because it’s unfamiliar and I don’t know quite how to trust it. I used to feel almost “unfaithful” to Jason if I had a good day…like how could I have a good day without him here? I don’t feel that way anymore because I’ve realized that even when I’m having good days…and sometimes especially when I’m having good days…I miss his presence. I feel his absence. He’s still in my mind and my heart.
Good days are hard to admit to others because I often feel like there is a waiting or expectation that someday I’m going to be done with grief…done with mourning…done being sad…ready to move on. And I feel…and this could be completely untrue…that there are certain friends and family members who have not known how to “deal” with me the past 4.5 years and are just waiting for that time. For me to be “normal” again. And that is just not going to happen.
I’ve been getting more and more comfortable with…what I call…living in the AND. It’s the fact that a lot of times multiple feelings can all be true at the same time…even if they seem to contradict each other. I think I’ve probably written about it before, but the more I do it the less confusing life feels. I had a really good weekend with my kids AND I really missed my husband and wished he could have been there. I have a really awesome support network who I know are there for me whenever I need AND they will never be able to replace my husband. I really like to spend time with my extended family AND it’s hard because I feel the absence of my husband very keenly in those circumstances.
So today my thought is…I had a really good weekend! Anna had off, so I got to spend good time with her. We played a game, which she hasn’t had time to do with me in awhile. I spent a lot of time outside. Went for a long walk with a friend. Had good conversation and watched tennis with Seth. Levi checked in. I bought some flowers. AND I missed Jason.
Therapists should not be allowed to go on vacation. I know my sister who is going to school to be a therapist just read that line and laughed. And I’m kidding…they more than deserve a vacation…and mine rarely takes one…so I’m happy she gets a break…I guess. I just always feel like my therapist being gone sends out some signal to the universe that now’s the time to test me.
Every week my therapist gives me “homework”. This week I decided to proactively give myself homework to make sure I keep my head up. I decided to start a Positivity Journal. Basically a journal full of lists of things to focus on that are positive. So far I have “Things That Make Me Smile”. I have some ideas for other lists as well based on travel, books, writing, music, quotes, hobbies, people, etc. I actually got this idea from a really smutty romance I read…the protagonist’s lists were a little different…lol. In the back of my mind I envision essentially coming up with my own “pixie dust” to help me fly when I feel like I’m being pulled underground. A book that isn’t somebody else’s ideas of what should make me feel better, but my own tried and true methods. And “yes” I know I have bad handwriting…my kids make fun of me for it all the time.
We go through life “making memories”…and in doing so I think that my expectation…and maybe other’s as well is that it’s the “best days” that make the most lasting memories. The days we’ll never forget. That you wish you could just press “play” on in your brain and watch them over and over again. And I do have memories like that. Honestly, sometimes the memories have smoothed over in my head and become almost better than the real thing. Instances where my “rear-view mirror” is definitely rose-colored. Kind of like birthing a baby I guess…the pain is forgotten.
How is it that we can so easily “forget” the painful moments in a “best day”, but the memories of the “worse days” don’t fade in the same way? They’re always right there in technicolor…dolby surround sound (is that even a thing anymore? I don’t know). The moments that ripped me apart…and keep ripping me apart…that play over and over in my brain without my permission. This past week I looked at my therapist through my tears and flat out said, “This is what I pay you for. Fix me”…and I was joking…but not.
And really when my heart is aching and I can’t take a deep breath…it’s not the “best days” or the “worse days” that I’m thinking about. It’s the “normal days”. The mundane things. The feeling of picking up my phone to see some random text from Jason…of hearing his car pull into the driveway…of doing dishes after dinner together and him teasing me because I would put the leftovers in containers, but forget to put them in the fridge…going on walks with my hand in the crook of his elbow because holding hands while walking always felt awkward…having a warm place to stick my cold feet in bed…the way he thought my sense of humor was ridiculous “you think you’re hilarious, don’t you?”…watching our kids do all their things and looking at each other and feeling so much pride in the humans we made together…his arms around me at night when it’s storming or even just windy because he knew I was freaking out inside…watching him play tennis and the way he always wanted me and the kids to be present and included in his tennis world…I could go on and on…
And now the normal just feels mundane. And as much as I have great kids and fantastic friends…making the normal somehow feel like LIVING again is something I just have to figure out solo. And that is exhausting.
I’ve been trying to pay more attention to the Universe lately. Synchronicities. Those times when the same things…same ideas…same people keep coming up over and over again. In November and December especially I was struggling being around people. Cancelling plans with friends. Just wanting to be left alone really. Even texts from friends or family “just checking in” were annoying to me. Like I wanted them to be concerned on the one hand…but then on the other I didn’t want to talk to them. Mostly, because I didn’t know what to talk about…what to say…how to describe what was wrong…other than “Jason’s not here”. And really isn’t that enough?? But then if I didn’t respond I would feel guilty…like I was hurting their feelings. So…the solution…mask UP…pretend all is well. So…big clue from the Universe number ONE.
Clue from the Universe number TWO came from my kids. As the years without Jason go on and our kids get older I have been letting them see more and more the struggle around the Holidays. How hard it is for me to “do the right thing”. In 2024, I didn’t even put a tree up. In 2025, I woke up on Thanksgiving and decided that maybe a tree would be okay. The boys were at a tennis drill that morning so it was just Anna and I. I mentioned getting the tree out and 15 minutes later she had all things Christmas dragged up from the basement. I put some things up. Some things I said “no” to. She put the tree up and got the lights on. And suddenly I was overwhelmed. I told her how I was feeling as she was opening up the box of ornaments and without question she took it back downstairs. And I realized that these years when I have been wanting to do what they expect…wanting to make the Holidays special…they have been more worried about me than anything else. We exchanged minimal gifts on Christmas Day…but one of the things that they gave me was “Travel Money”….and I burst into tears.
Around the New Year I was scrolling on Facebook and happened to see a post from a MN travel blogger that I don’t even follow…and haven’t seen anything from since…about a treehouse in Pepin, WI. Do you know what has always fascinated me? Treehouses. I mean I love trees. What could be better than actually having a house in one? I found the treehouse on AirBNB and they happened to have a random couple nights in February open. Guess what? Clue from the Universe number THREE.
So yesterday afternoon I battled some kinda crappy weather to check into my treehouse, for my much-needed solo adventure. And if I needed a clue from the Universe number FOUR that I am in the right spot…it’s the train tracks. Yeah…yeah…weird right? Most people don’t want to vacation right by train tracks…except…I do. In August, 2020 Jason and I celebrated what we were hoping wouldn’t be our last anniversary. 20 years…no small accomplishment…but also so much less than what we thought we would get together. We rented a teeny tiny cabin in Alexandria and had a fantastic time. When I think back to the last time that I can point at and remember US…just being “Ree and Jas”…it is our time in that cabin. Right by train tracks….very active train tracks…that would shake the whole cabin multiple times during the day and night. After he died in August, 2021 the place that I longed to go back to was that cabin…and I did….by myself. It’s where I was finally by myself and able to fall completely apart. So yesterday, when I got here and heard the train, and felt the slight shaking of the treehouse, all I thought was “Hi Love. I miss you”.
And man it’s hard being here by myself. It would be the perfect spot for a romantic couple’s getaway. https://www.pepinforesttreehouse.com/ …you’re welcome. I can totally imagine Jason and I in this space…and how different it would be. But then I also have to remind myself that just because it’s different now, doesn’t mean it’s bad. I love having time by myself to just be myself…find myself…figure out who I am as a person without the responsibilities of every day life on my shoulders. I have spent my day today reading, writing, playing guitar. I enjoyed the hot tub a few times. I have spent time just gazing out the window…watching the birds in the trees…and thinking.
And what I have been thinking about the most is “regret” and “guilt”. I don’t know that I have come to any profound conclusion about either of those things…other than both of them suck ass. Guilt is an emotion that comes so easily to me. It makes me sacrifice myself again and again and again for things that are not my fault and I really have no business owning. My therapist calls me on it ALL the time…sometimes multiple times a week. “That’s not yours to hold”…she says over and over. And even when I try to believe her…something in me still doesn’t. And regret…well, regret just hurts because a lot of what I regret is unfixable…unchangeable…un-do-over-againable. And I guess the answer to regret is grace…but let’s face it…grace has never been my strong suit…even with myself. I have overwhelming compassion for people until they hurt me…and then well…they’re out. Grace was all Jason. I try to play a WWJD (What Would Jason Do) scenario in my head, but honestly, in some instances I think even Jason would say “F them”. But how do I move forward from that?
But other than some “heavy” thoughts, my time here in the treehouse has been so peaceful….and exactly what I needed.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 