I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. What is it exactly? If somebody were to ask you the question “Are you happy?” What do you say to that? It trips me up. Am I happy? Merriam-Webster defines “happy” as “enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment”. I think I equate being happy with feeling a sense of inner-peace…rightness in my world. Those moments are hard to come by…but they do happen…even if they are AND moments for me…happy AND sad…happy AND lonely. And I wonder is it that the ANDs taint the happy…or do the ANDs enrich the happy?
I think having “base-layer” sadness has helped me to recognize the glimpses of happy more quickly when they happen. Kind of like flashes of light in a dark cave. Moments of connection with family and friends. Watching my kids interact with each other. Seeing glimpses of Jason in them. Times when I realize that I can trust myself to take care of myself. Realizing that I do have something to give in relationships…after just feeling like the “needy” one for so long…such a shitty feeling. And while those moments may have gotten taken for granted before…now they are treasured.
I have also been working on taking ownership of my own happiness…and conversely realizing that other people’s happiness is their own responsibility. This is hard when my life has taken a very unexpected, and very unwelcome turn completely out of my control. On bad days I’m pissed off about it and it feels impossible to even think about the future in any sort of hopeful way. On good days I can almost convince myself it’s an exciting adventure…almost. Most days are somewhere in the middle….focusing on the glimpses.
Tomorrow is Easter. My kids are all home. Do we have any big plans? Nope. I think Levi said he wants to make cinnamon rolls. And what I’ve come to realize…maybe even more around holidays…big plans are so unnecessary. I’ll be happy with another moment with our kids…as I talk to Jason in my head about how awesome they are….smiling AND having teary eyes.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 