Tag: gliosarcoma

This week I’ve been working extra hard to keep my mental/emotional state on an even keel despite some “landmines”. Sunday was the Super Bowl and the first year that I was home alone with no plans. Do I care about the Super Bowl….no…but it was one of those things that we always did…even if we were just home watching with the kids and some snacks. This year Seth was working and Levi went to his girlfriend’s house. When Seth left the house he looked at me and said “You’re just staying home by yourself?” When I said “yup” I could tell he knew I was having a rough time, but I assured him I was fine. So…I was left with an empty house…and zero desire to watch the Super Bowl by myself…so I drank wine…put on some music…rearranged some furniture…and did some retail therapy online.

Monday I was glad to have some self-care already planned. Lunch with friends…which was fantastic…and then the usual Forced Fregien Family Food and Fun. Honestly, I think calling it “Forced” at this point is a lie. We all love it so much it doesn’t feel “Forced” at all. We tried three new recipes this week…Chicken Pad Thai, Chicken Fried Rice, and Brownies with Frosting. It was all edible, but nothing that will be made again…lol.

Yesterday I worked during the day and got to listen to all my coworkers talk about their Valentine’s Day plans…ouch. I had a good dinner with a friend after work. Then got home to see that Levi had set up the results of my Sunday retail therapy. I actually sat outside with my book for a bit last night and had my coffee on the deck this morning.

Today I really want to just hide out in my house and not see any people, but I have to work the closing shift…so I’m gearing myself up for all the inevitable Valentine’s Day questions/comments. What I really want is Jason sitting in that second chair on the deck…enjoying morning coffee with me…throwing the ball for Emmett…yelling at Linc to stop barking back at a dog that’s two blocks away…letting me warm up my chilly nose on his neck. Instead I’m just getting through another hard day without him.

2024 has been very emotional for me so far. My new job has been incredibly hard for me to adjust to. For the most part, I love the job itself. I like feeling like I am helping people. Sometimes it is very stressful, but for the most part it feels rewarding…like I did some good at the end of the day. I miss my people at Life Time though…and being around tennis. Nobody “gets me” at my new job. 

I’m constantly bombarded with conversations that rip at my emotions…not that anyone is trying to be hurtful towards me; they just don’t know what I’ve been through…not that I keep it a secret. One of my coworkers asked me last Friday night if my husband minds when I work until 10:30pm. This is someone I’ve worked with for over two months now. I said “No. He passed away 2 1/2 years ago. I don’t mind working evenings because it gives me something to do”. She said “Oh. I didn’t realize that. My husband gets up at 3:30am to go to work, so he goes to bed early. He doesn’t mind when I work evenings either”. I didn’t know what to say. Did she somehow think we are the same?? And I try to excuse it by thinking…well, she probably felt awkward and didn’t know what to say…but that doesn’t help me hurt less. Another one of my coworkers described me as “edgy” because I wear Doc Martens boots, drive a Bronco, and have tattoos. I wanted to tell her I’m just trying to get some of my “badass” back…but 20 year olds don’t quite get that.

I also promised myself that I was going to get all my finances in order this year. I was working with Jae…my finance guy…two years ago…trying to get everything in my name and then doing smart finance stuff with it so I have someone watching it for me and I know what’s going on with it. Well…I was close to getting it all done and just couldn’t do it anymore. Literally, ghosted Jae and everything has been just sitting half-done since. So…I reconnected with Jae…and bless his heart…he is so awesome. All he said was “It’s great to hear from you” and he was ready to jump back in. Never made me feel guilty…totally respected that I needed time…and he has been awesome in helping me talk through decisions that are very tough to make. And my emotions are all over the place. I’ve had to think about my future…what I want that to look like…when I would ideally want to retire. Go back through old papers trying to find statements and numbers. Ran across the folder from hospice and the folder from the funeral home…that put me in a tailspin. And all of this is supposed to feel like progress….like “getting something done”…but it feels like taking an eraser to Jason and our future we had planned together. What was “ours” is now just “mine”….and that feels horrible and lonely. And I know Jason is happy that he was able to leave the kids and I “secure”…but my heart still hurts.

On a good note. I was feeling like I was having a hard time connecting with the kids with all four of us having jobs and being pulled in different directions…so I instituted Forced Fregien Family Food and Fun every Monday night. Basically the kids take turns picking the menu and helping me cook…and then we play games. It has been the best thing ever. I look forward to it every week.

On another good note. It was warm enough to put the top down on the Bronco today…best investment in my mental health ever! As my friend Terri says, “You can’t frown when the top is down”…even if you have to wear your winter cap…and stop at Caribou for a coffee to warm up!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday, but managed to pull everything together for a really good evening with the kids. We enjoyed our traditional fondue for dinner…complete with the annual hunt for another surge strip because two pots plugged into one NEVER works. We exchanged gifts and I was so relieved that they seemed to really like what I found for them this year.

And then we spent the rest of the evening playing games. Our favorite one right now is Everdell. It has a pretty steep learning curve, but once you play a game or two it is really fun….especially for teen+. Younger kids might have a hard time with it. I think Seth especially enjoys the strategy involved.

Some of my favorite moments with the kids are the times when I can see their Dad in them. Yesterday Anna was helping me put together the overnight French toast for today. It involves layering the bread in the pan and then pouring the egg mixture on the top. Instead of just pouring it on she got out a ladle and was very precisely spooning it on evenly. Sooo much something Jason would have done. I pointed it out to her and it sparked a little conversation. They are very quiet about their Dad a lot of the time, so I really treasure those moments when they will reminisce with me.

I hope you all enjoy time with loved ones today… Here’s a picture of Linc. He’s been jealous of all the attention Emmett has been getting….

Emmett ends up with a face full of burrs and needs a trip to the emergency vet to get the ones by his eye removed. They had to put him under general anesthesia and shave the area around his eye. They also put some dye in his eye to check for cornea damage. Thankfully, his eye is fine, but the drugs hit him hard. He was extremely doped up last night and is still not himself this morning.

As I was up and down with him last night…making sure he was okay as he stumbled around…I had to keep holding back my tears. Just another time when I miss Jason. Every one of life’s curveballs were easier to handle with him by my side.

And now I’m starting Christmas Eve over-tired and overly emotional. And I have lots of food prep to do today. Jason would be telling me to make a list so that he can help me. I guess I’ll make a list and try to rope in some kids.

But first…coffee

Last night I went to the Empty Chair Service for the third year. That hits me in the gut….the third Christmas already without Jason. I think the only things that makes it a little bit easier are the routines/traditions that the kids and I have worked out. At least when we’re asked what we’re doing for the Holiday we can just say “the usual”. Fondue Christmas Eve…brunch Christmas Day…as much time together playing games as we can handle.

The Empty Chair Service has become part of my routine. My time to sit….take a breath…let everything else go away… Every year is pretty much the same…but every year it feels a little different all the same…like I hear the words differently…or they hit me in a different place. This year I kept finding myself getting irritated…I’ve got to sit with that for awhile.

Yesterday morning I went to the Zoo by myself. Sitting in my house on my days off has not been good for my mental health…and I have a Zoo membership…so why not? I felt like it was me and then a whole bunch of stressed, sleep-deprived young moms with kiddos in strollers. Doesn’t seem so long ago I was one of them. I laughed out loud at this one little boy. He was probably 3. His mom was trying to keep it all together…stroller full of stuff…and he’s standing there at about 9:30am asking “When are we going to have lunch?” Levi still asks me that when we are on vacation.

And in good news….my Baby Girl is finally home from school! I get her for about 10 days and then she’s off to South Africa again!

Woke up this morning and immediately knew I had two choices…. a) spend my whole day crying in bed with the covers over my head; or b) gas up the Bronco and find some R&R (Road and River). I chose b. I put Wabasha in my GPS as the destination, but ended up stopping in Lake City instead….Lundell’s I waved at you! I walked along the shore of the river. The water looked so calm and clear covered in ice.

I sat on a bench until I started to get chilly…soaking in some Vitamin D…contemplating life and the elusiveness of happiness. The bench that I sat on was dedicated to Gary Blum “The Goose Poop Guy”…which of course brings up all sorts of questions in my mind. What a legacy to leave for the world…being known as “The Goose Poop Guy”. Does anyone still remember Gary? Or why he was known as such? Do people ask similar questions to themselves when they sit on Jason’s bench? Who was Jason? How do you even pronounce that last name? And why does he have a bench here? Or, more likely, they are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice. 

Well Gary Blum…I didn’t know you while you were living….but I thought about you today as I sat for awhile.

After my adventures by the shore of the river, my heart was calling me to stop in at Jason’s Mom and Dad’s house in Red Wing. I had a very relaxing time sipping coffee and visiting with them for a couple hours. Jason’s sister happened to be there for a little while too. Turns out that their hugs and understanding of my grief were just what I needed today.

Well, my first week at The UR is in the books! Every shift I get a little bit more comfortable and enjoy it more and more. My boss has been very appreciative of how quickly I pick things up. I have appreciated how open she is to all my questions. Not having worked in health care before there is a lot of terminology that is thrown around that I just don’t know…and she never makes me feel stupid for asking. Insurance is also very complicated…medical assistance, medicare, supplements, replacements, copays…it makes my head spin. I will do a happy dance the day that all clicks in my head.

I love interacting with the patients that come in. It is a very, very busy environment with a huge variety of patients. We check them in and we are also the ones that show them to their rooms. I am able to room patients by myself now and I really like doing that. I feel like that’s where I can let my personality shine a little bit and try to brighten someone’s day…even when they feel crappy and may have been sitting in the waiting room for awhile.

My coworkers have been really great so far. One of the newer employees is also an ex-Life Time employee. She worked at a different Club, but I think my boss got a kick out of listening to the two of us. We had a lot of the same “issues”. Another one of my coworkers also has her Masters in Library and Information Science and previously worked at Rasmussen College…although not when I was there. I’m looking forward to getting to know them all better. I’m really liking the “team atmosphere”. Not that I wasn’t part of a team at Life Time, but I was also working solo a lot.

I filled out an “All About Me” for my boss to send to everyone and post up on the wall. I went back and forth with myself about whether or not I should include that I am a widow in that information. In the end, I decided that I would rather have that information out there from the get-go than go through potentially dozens of really awkward conversations with my coworkers in the next few months. So, I included that my husband passed away in Aug, 2021 from glioblastoma…but I also said that I love to talk about him so it is okay to ask about him. I’m glad that I did that because just yesterday one of my coworkers commented on my tennis racquet tattoo and asked about the initials. I said they were my husband’s and she asked if he plays a lot of tennis. I said that he did…and then she said “oh. I’m so sorry. I read that in your All About Me and I forgot”. I could tell she felt bad and instead of making it awkward for her I just said “It’s okay” and also showed her his signature on my arm…and it felt like a good moment.

Although I feel a lot happier this week and more in control of my world I sure am missing having Jason here to talk to. I feel like I would do about anything to be out on one of our daily walks with the dogs. I’m pretty sure I could jibber jabber his ear off talking everything through.

Today I need to go grocery shopping…and then I’m planning on wrapping presents. Maybe. It is one of those tasks that I have always hated doing so much that eventually Jason just took it over from me. Now it’s become a task that I still hate doing, but it also makes me teary. Might need some wine.

SKOL Vikings!

Well, my days of being “in-between” jobs are over. I am now an official employee of The Urgency Room…got my badge and everything! Today was spent at the corporate office doing all the fun HR stuff and getting logged in to a million different software programs. The only one that is familiar to me is Outlook….so…yeah…checking my email…I can do that!

Other than getting logged into programs we talked a little bit about the different tiers of patients…emergent, urgent, appointments. Part of my job will be triaging…determining which patients need to be seen immediately because they may be having a heart attack or stroke…which need to be seen soon, but are not emergent…broken bones, lacerations, that sort of thing…and which need to make appointments for more illness-ish things…sore throat, cough, etc. The manager I was working with today asked me after we had been talking about that if I was worried or nervous about that part of the job. I honestly said, “Well, yeah. It’s kind of a big deal”. I’m glad that I am “in training” until mid January!

Tomorrow I have my first day at The Urgency Room. I am excited to meet some of my coworkers and actually see how everything works so I can wrap my head around all the information!

And look! My thanksgiving cactus is blossoming!