Usually when the sun comes up in the morning I am annoyed with it blaring right into my eyes as I am driving Levi to Eastview. This morning I was able to take it in and enjoy it’s beauty and feel almost optimistic for a brand new day.
Watching couples together is emotional for me. Not that I need or want couples to stay away from me…not at all. It just really makes me miss Jason and being in that kind of relationship…that secret world where only the two of you exist. This morning there were two couples in a boat that trolled in front of the cabin for hours fishing. I found myself just watching them and making up little stories in my head about them.
In order to ever find any kind of peace I need to try to let go of a lot of anger, hurt, regret, doubt from the past year and a half…and longer. Some of it at myself. Some at other people. None of which I am going to unpack in this blog…I’m not that person.
In order to ever find any sort of happiness again I have to start loving myself in the same way Jason loved me. He left me the perfect blueprint for what to do…I just need to follow it. He knew the things that would “fill my cup”…a lot of them I spoke about in his Eulogy. He knew “when to hand me my running shoes, pour me a glass of wine, leash up the dogs for a hike in the woods, hold me tight”. My running shoes gave me his permission to take a break…get out of the house…do something good for myself…lose myself in music or thoughts. A glass of wine usually went hand-in-hand with something quiet…a book…a quiet evening on the couch…games with our kids. A hike in the woods connected me with nature…took me away from my own small worries and fears and let me see the bigger picture. Just having this short time in this cabin by the lake I can feel my perspectives shift in a way that is almost tangible. It’s the “hold me tight” that’s hard…maybe it’s just remembering my links to other people…and that I am not alone…even though it feels that way sometimes.
The sun is finally warming it up outside after a cool morning. Jason would be proud of me for all the warm clothes I packed, but they weren’t enough to enjoy sitting outside for very long this morning. I’m going to try it again…