Tonight I let one of my friends talk me into going to her neighborhood ladies’ bunco night. In the “normal” past I would have been all excited to try something new…there would have been no having to “talk me into it”…now it is just hard.

Social situations give me anxiety in a way they never have before. I have an impossible time relaxing…having fun is hard and makes me feel guilty…I don’t want to be a downer…I feel out of place…staying home in my “safe place” is a lot easier.

Tonight I tried it though and I had fun! I had a couple times where I had to take a few deep breaths and tell myself I was fine…but for the most part I did okay! They seemed to like me and even invited me back…so I guess I wasn’t too quiet and weird. It was a really good ending to a rough, rough week.

Sleep has been impossible lately. I am having a really hard time not having Jason next to me. I find myself laying on my side facing away from his side of the bed…as far to the edge as I can get…like I just want to avoid the emptiness. Linc sleeps with me which kind of helps me fall asleep initially, but I always wake up after about 2 hours and then can’t get back to sleep. I feel like I have permagrit behind my eyelids and the bags under my eyes are unreal.

I had the Vets scheduled to come today and pick up a few bags of Jason’s old clothes. I sorted through the majority of his clothes on Monday…saving some and donating some. I felt okay while I was doing that, then the time came this morning to put out those bags and I just couldn’t talk myself into taking that step. It just doesn’t feel right to get rid of any of his things yet. Someday…maybe…

March 2020: Blissfully Unaware of the Cause of His Headaches

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