Tomorrow…Wednesday will be 8 weeks. Every day is worse. My hurt keeps getting deeper. My missing him gets more and more. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t know how to center myself without Jason here to “talk me off the ledge”, help me find grace, and remind me about the important things in life. He knew just how to do that….listen to me…and then defuse. He wasn’t afraid to tell me when I was being ridiculous…and he was always right. Now everything feels huge.
Relationships with other people are hard. They take a lot of energy. I feel like everyone is tiptoeing around me…not sure what to say or do. Should they talk about Jason? Not talk about Jason? YES PLEASE! Talk about Jason. That is all that is on my mind. Tell me your memories. Talk about the good times. If I start to cry that is okay…at least I’m not crying alone all by myself.
I feel this weird possessiveness over all things Jason…like Golum in the Lord of the Rings. “mine. mine. mine. my precious”. I just want him back. So badly. He should be here.
I keep pushing people away. Not responding to texts, phone calls, emails. Inadvertently hurting people that try to help. Then I feel left out and am hurt even more. Too many feelings…all conflicting with each other. No one that really seems to get me. I don’t even get myself.
Someday it will get better?
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 