This morning I found out that Anna got accepted into a field research internship program that she applied for. I am so stinking proud of her, but it means that she won’t be coming home for the summer, which is making me sad. I like to have all my chicks in my nest 🙂
Seth came with me to take the dogs for a walk tonight. He and Levi have both been doing a good job lately of taking care of their Momma. When I told him my friends couldn’t walk tonight and I didn’t want to walk by myself in the dark he stepped up to the plate with no hesitation. We had a nice chat about his plans for next year and we got to gripe together about work stress…perks of working at the same place 🙂
Levi is working on finishing up his first quarter of high school already. So crazy. He played tennis with a friend today…and I think realized that he is tired and might need to take a day or two break from tennis. He has really been playing a lot and working hard.
I know Jason is looking down at these three kids of ours right now and is just as proud of them as I am. They are the greatest blessings and keep me smiling and getting out of bed each day.
I feel like the hot mess express lately…maybe obvious from my recent blog posts. I’m getting up and doing all the things, but it’s a real struggle. It’s harder to fake that I’m doing okay when people ask…instead I get all teary-eyed. Maybe it’s just my reality feeling more real lately. I don’t know. All I know is that it sucks…and as much as I’m trying to pick myself up…it’s just not working.
I couldn’t resist ordering this shirt the other day. It came in the mail today and I think it is perfect.
Morning Coffee
In the stillness of the morning
I try to find my peace,
Cup of coffee in my hand,
Warm canines at my feet.
But peace is not that kind-
In fact she’s an elusive bitch.
She hides and leaves me sadness
Permeating through every niche.
I’m feeling a bit more grounded right now than I did for most of the weekend…no swearwords in the blog today…I promise. I started out my day by going out to our Sunday morning breakfast with my friend, Vicki. I made sure we went somewhere with Bloody Marys today…I had two…don’t judge.
When I got home I knew that Jason would be telling me “it’s the last nice weekend” and I better get outside to do some Fall cleanup. Seth and Levi had already done the majority of the leaves on Friday. Seth had to go to work, but Levi helped me get the rest of the leaves done and then my neighbors came over later in the day and helped us get our gazebo down. There are still some odds and ends to take care of outside, but for the most part we are ready for snow…at least the yard is. It felt good to get that done.
I felt really good support from friends and family today which I am extremely thankful for. Thank you. I appreciate you.
Disclaimer: I’m having a shitty day. I’ve tried to shake it, but that’s just how today is. If you aren’t prepared to hear about that…probably complete with some swear words…you should just scroll on past today…I won’t hold it against you. If you read this and it hurts your feelings…I’m sorry.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m having such a bad day today. I am just so far down in the doldrums I can’t get myself out…and yes…I’ve tried. Went out to breakfast with the boys. Went to a craft fair with a friend. Took the dogs for a walk. Watched Levi play three tennis matches. All things that would normally help…not today.
When I look back this whole week has been difficult. Maybe it’s just all finally accumulated into one shit-tastic day. Work…which is normally my escape from stress…has been stressful AF this week…with no signs of that stopping any time soon. I feel lucky to work with such awesome people that are making it bearable…but we’re all feeling the strain.
I was filling out more insurance paperwork this week…this time for a disability policy we had forgotten about. It required contacting the doctor to get some paperwork filled out. Emailing with the nurse just made a whole range of emotions surface. On one hand, it was nice chatting with her because she is hands down one of my favorite people I have ever dealt with. She made an incredibly shitty situation as easy as she possibly could. On the other hand it was kind of PTSDish for me. Hard to be dredging up all those months of endless doctor’s appointments and treatments.
I met with my Insurance Guy…the one who lost his wife to brain cancer 5 years ago…so he can start helping me get all my finances in order. It is all really overwhelming, but Jae is an awesome guy and doesn’t rush me into making decisions about anything. He knows I need to feel secure and is helping me get there. He also knows which things should be higher on my priority list than others…super helpful. Right now I have a list of documents I am trying to compile before our next meeting. I felt like I had a pretty good handle on what we were all paying where….eh…maybe not so much. I’ll feel better when I feel more in control…and we have a good plan to get me there…so all good…but lots of stress.
On top of that was the 3 month anniversary of Jason’s death. The lives of most other friends and family have gone back to normal by now…and from some I am starting to feel the pressure…real or imagined…that mine should be as well. Here are answers to a few questions that I have gotten…directly and indirectly. Yes….I am still grieving. No…I am not better. Yes…I still cry. No…I am not ready to “move on”. Yes…I still miss Jason like crazy. No…I am not thinking that I will ever remarry. Yes…I believe in God. No…I don’t think that “keeping busy” will help. Yes…I have been back working full-time for 2.5 months now. No…I am not going to sell my house. Yes…our kids are doing great and I am so proud of them. No…I don’t want to hear about what you think you would feel and/or do in my situation…you have no fucking idea. Yes…I do go to counseling and have made really supportive friends there.
There seems to be some misconception about what grief really is. It’s not just one feeling. It’s a lot of feelings…sometimes conflicting feelings…all at once.
Grief Is…
Grief is sadness.
The kind way deep down that is always there
Even when there is a smile on my face
Or a laugh forced out.
Grief is loneliness.
No one to tell about my day
Cuddle with at night
Wake up with in the morning.
Grief is confusion.
How do I go from living the dream
To watching it slip away
Leaving me empty?
Grief is love.
With no one left
To give
It to.
Grief is jealousy.
Of those who still
Sleep beside their
Loves every night.
Grief is doubt.
Replaying every decision
Over and over
In my head until I’m crazy with it
Grief is anger.
Fuck this world
Where horrible people live and
My husband dies.
Grief is identity crisis.
Switching from reveling in my role as wife
To the new role of widow
“The one who just lost her husband”
Grief is loss.
Not just of my husband
But of friends and family
Who can’t or won’t support me
Grief is guilt.
Why do I get to live?
He was by far the better person
Why am I still here?
Grief is silence.
When I go for hours
Without talking
Because I am alone
Grief is sleeplessness.
When the bed is too big
My mind too busy
And sleep nowhere to be found
Grief is homelessness.
Our house doesn’t feel like home anymore.
Home was where Jason was.
Everywhere I look there he should be.
Grief is fear.
How am I ever going to manage everything-
Do the best for the kids and I?
What if I mess up?
Grief is vulnerability.
I trusted Jason with everything.
Now when I need someone
It’s hard to open up.
Grief is fragility.
Emotions so raw and powerful
I feel like I could shatter
Into a million pieces.
Grief is isolating.
When people don’t understand
And say things that make the hurt
So much worse.
Grief is lack of control.
Feeling like every decision
Has been taken away
And I am just stuck.
Grief is heavy.
A huge weight of
Responsibilty
On my shoulders.
Grief is unpredictable.
A roller coaster
Of emotion
Moment to moment.
Grief is stressful.
The muscles in back
Tightening more
And more.
Grief is exhausting.
So tired of the struggle.
Day after day after
Day after day.
Yesterday was 13….today is 3…13 weeks…3 months. The big question on my mind today is “HOW?” How did this happen? How is it that he is gone and I’m still here? How have I made it three months? How do I keep going? Every day I wake up…reminded of my new reality…drag myself out of bed…just get through this day. I’m thankful for our three beautiful children…and the two furry ones…they give me reasons to keep on keeping on.
This is the poem I was working on last night before my wedding ring debacle…
The Unwelcome Guest
I envy you
For not understanding
How I feel.
I wish I was a stranger
To this
Pain.
Instead grief
Has become
An unwelcome guest.
But not a guest-
A resident-
Here to stay.
I was texting with my SIL a little bit ago while getting some lines down for a new poem that’s been rolling around in my head. My left thumb reached over to fidget with my wedding rings (Mine and Jason’s) on my ring finger….and instant panic…overly pokey prongs…one bent way over…and no diamond in my ring.
I turned the flashlight on my phone and frantically started looking for it while trying to hold back hysterical sobs…pretty sure I would never find it. Did I mention that I had just gotten home from walking the dogs…in the dark? I retraced my steps in the house…no luck. I went out into the garage shining my flashlight on the step and garage floor. Opened the door to my car….and there it was…on the floor mat. I can’t even describe how relieved I was. I don’t think I’m overly attached to material possessions…but this one…yes. It borders on a “one ring to rule them all” obsession.
I’d really like to find a jeweler that can do some cool thing with our rings together and somehow rework mine so that the prongs don’t get caught so easily. This is the second time the diamond has come completely out…I don’t want to chance a third.
I’m in a pretty chill place right now after spending the evening with a good friend and a couple glasses of wine. Everyone needs at least one friend that they can trust to talk about anything with…no judgement. I am blessed to have a few that really get me and put up with me…I know I’m a little “extra”.
I have been listening to this Keith Urban song on repeat since last night. I don’t even know how I first came across it, but it is so good. I’m so thankful for so many good memories.
So many things today that I wish I could tell Jason about…I’ll write them in my “Letters to my Husband” journal later that I got from another good friend. It’s missing Jason in the day-to-day that inspired this poem today.
Ordinary Time
Missing the ordinary-
The normal-
The boring
Every day.
Get up-
Fill up my cup-
Kiss goodbye
Work for the day.
Come home-
Kiss hello-
How was your day?
Mine was so-so
Who did you see?
What did they say?
Dinner with the kids
Make sure school’s going okay.
Do dishes-
Walk the dogs-
My hand in your elbow
Strolling along.
We talk about everything-
Or nothing-
It doesn’t matter
Just happy together.
Come home-
Relax on the couch-
Or help with homework
Math is your realm.
The day is done-
Get ready for bed-
Good night kiss
Before “I love you” is said
We didn’t know it then-
But I know it now-
Wedded bliss is abundant
In ordinary time.
Today is our Baby Girl’s 20th birthday! So crazy! I think Jason and I were barely back from our Honeymoon and I was telling him I wanted to have a baby. I remember him telling me that he wanted to wait until at least after Christmas…and that’s pretty much what we did.
Anna was a bit of a challenge. Because Jason is a twin we had an early ultrasound to check for twins. There were a few moments where two techs were looking at the screen before they said “Okay. Only one. We thought for a few moments there were two”. Then at the ultrasound where they are able to determine the sex she was sleeping soundly with her legs crossed. The tech wouldn’t even guess. Jason wanted him to poke my belly a bit to get the baby to wake up…a suggestion I did not approve of one bit with a full bladder.
Her due date was Oct. 21. Which came and went with no sign of baby. Everyone kept telling me I could have a Halloween baby. I didn’t think there was any way I would still be pregnant on Halloween…well…I was. I finally went into labor on Halloween. I think it was 11pm when we went into the hospital. Some of the nurses were wearing costumes.
I discovered two important things about Jason that night. Number one. He really, really, really is not a lot of help in the delivery room. He was excellent at a lot of things…seeing his wife in pain…combined with blood and other “stuff”…not his strong suit. I think his eyes ventured “south” once during Anna’s birth. He caught a glimpse of my bloody sock…I heard the nurse say “Dad, you doing okay”…and pretty soon he had a nurse as well. Telling him to put his head between his knees and bringing him snacks. When Seth and Levi were born I let the nurses know ahead of time to keep an eye on him.
The second thing I learned is more important…all of my suspicions about Jason being excellent “Dad material” were confirmed. Once Anna was born he was all about being the best Dad he could possibly be. He changed diapers. Rocked her to sleep. Played with her endlessly. During her “challenging years”…and she had quite a few…he and I would tag-team dealing with her. When one of us ran out of patience the other was “it”. He loved his “Nonnie” with his whole heart.
Now she is an amazing young woman. Almost half-way through her Sophomore year of college at UW-Eau Claire. She is finding what she is passionate about. She is involved…has great friends…is happy. All of the things parents want their kids to be. I am so proud of her and know that Jason was too. Happy Birthday Baby Girl!
So this weekend I loaded the boys and the doods up in the car Friday night and went to my Mom and Dad’s for the weekend. We hadn’t been there in probably close to two years…they live about 3 hours away. I’m glad that we went and we had a good time…but it was also just a new and different level of hard.
I went out with my best friends on Saturday night. They are fantastic…super supportive….everything best friends should be. It was still hard. I was having an impossible time focusing on the conversation. I felt like I kept spacing out and was trying really hard to have fun and relax in a situation where that would have come so easily to me before. My mind was just off in all different directions. I got back to my parents’ feeling sad and defeated. I would really love for something to be able to feel “normal”….but nothing does.
Today on the drive home I had way too much time to think. The boys are not great conversationalists. I just kept thinking about Jason’s quality of life and his happiness. I tried to make all the best decisions that I could at the time with the information that we had, but now when I look back it’s really hard not to think about the “what ifs”. What if he would have tried Optune? What if he wouldn’t have had the second surgery? What if we had held out for the trial instead of doing Avastin? I know it’s pointless at this point…and honestly, with this cancer the end result doesn’t change…but maybe we could have kept him feeling better longer. Maybe I should have found some way to work less…or even stop working all together…we could have done more together…taken advantage of our time. I don’t know. Hindsight is 20/20 and regret sucks.
Tonight I just feel like I need a good cry and I would give anything to have Jason’s arms around me and sob into his shoulder.
I am feeling all sorts of tapped out tonight. Levi had his first band concert in….awhile…since pre-covid. Can I just say how much I hate single parenting? Not because it is so much work…or I can’t handle it…or I don’t want to go to the kids’ events. It just really sucks that it is “just me”…I’m it…all they’ve got. The majority of their friends have Mom and Dad…even if their parents are divorced…not mine…not anymore…and that really sucks. I hate walking into places and seeing all the parents together enjoying their kids’ concerts, games, etc and being solo. I just hate it.
I did think about texting one of my friends tonight to see if I could sit next to her so I wouldn’t be by myself. I didn’t because I didn’t want to feel like some sort of odd third wheel with her and her husband. Ironically, she walked in without her husband…he was doing baseball with their son…and she sat down next to me. Five minutes later another friend was also in the same boat…so the three of us sat together. It did make me feel better not to be sitting alone.
One of the band directors at the high school passed away from esophageal cancer about a year ago. Anna had worked with him quite extensively during her four years of high school. He was an amazing man. The band did a really moving tribute to him…with his high school-aged daughter conducting. It was really hard for me not to ugly cry during that. The edge of my mask was soaking up some tears. It’s hard to see what the “big picture” could possibly be. What could possibly be the reason for taking these amazing people away from us…leaving their families…friends…communities…behind to grieve them? It doesn’t make sense.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 