So this weekend I loaded the boys and the doods up in the car Friday night and went to my Mom and Dad’s for the weekend. We hadn’t been there in probably close to two years…they live about 3 hours away. I’m glad that we went and we had a good time…but it was also just a new and different level of hard.
I went out with my best friends on Saturday night. They are fantastic…super supportive….everything best friends should be. It was still hard. I was having an impossible time focusing on the conversation. I felt like I kept spacing out and was trying really hard to have fun and relax in a situation where that would have come so easily to me before. My mind was just off in all different directions. I got back to my parents’ feeling sad and defeated. I would really love for something to be able to feel “normal”….but nothing does.
Today on the drive home I had way too much time to think. The boys are not great conversationalists. I just kept thinking about Jason’s quality of life and his happiness. I tried to make all the best decisions that I could at the time with the information that we had, but now when I look back it’s really hard not to think about the “what ifs”. What if he would have tried Optune? What if he wouldn’t have had the second surgery? What if we had held out for the trial instead of doing Avastin? I know it’s pointless at this point…and honestly, with this cancer the end result doesn’t change…but maybe we could have kept him feeling better longer. Maybe I should have found some way to work less…or even stop working all together…we could have done more together…taken advantage of our time. I don’t know. Hindsight is 20/20 and regret sucks.
Tonight I just feel like I need a good cry and I would give anything to have Jason’s arms around me and sob into his shoulder.