Disclaimer: I’m having a shitty day. I’ve tried to shake it, but that’s just how today is. If you aren’t prepared to hear about that…probably complete with some swear words…you should just scroll on past today…I won’t hold it against you. If you read this and it hurts your feelings…I’m sorry.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m having such a bad day today. I am just so far down in the doldrums I can’t get myself out…and yes…I’ve tried. Went out to breakfast with the boys. Went to a craft fair with a friend. Took the dogs for a walk. Watched Levi play three tennis matches. All things that would normally help…not today.
When I look back this whole week has been difficult. Maybe it’s just all finally accumulated into one shit-tastic day. Work…which is normally my escape from stress…has been stressful AF this week…with no signs of that stopping any time soon. I feel lucky to work with such awesome people that are making it bearable…but we’re all feeling the strain.
I was filling out more insurance paperwork this week…this time for a disability policy we had forgotten about. It required contacting the doctor to get some paperwork filled out. Emailing with the nurse just made a whole range of emotions surface. On one hand, it was nice chatting with her because she is hands down one of my favorite people I have ever dealt with. She made an incredibly shitty situation as easy as she possibly could. On the other hand it was kind of PTSDish for me. Hard to be dredging up all those months of endless doctor’s appointments and treatments.
I met with my Insurance Guy…the one who lost his wife to brain cancer 5 years ago…so he can start helping me get all my finances in order. It is all really overwhelming, but Jae is an awesome guy and doesn’t rush me into making decisions about anything. He knows I need to feel secure and is helping me get there. He also knows which things should be higher on my priority list than others…super helpful. Right now I have a list of documents I am trying to compile before our next meeting. I felt like I had a pretty good handle on what we were all paying where….eh…maybe not so much. I’ll feel better when I feel more in control…and we have a good plan to get me there…so all good…but lots of stress.
On top of that was the 3 month anniversary of Jason’s death. The lives of most other friends and family have gone back to normal by now…and from some I am starting to feel the pressure…real or imagined…that mine should be as well. Here are answers to a few questions that I have gotten…directly and indirectly. Yes….I am still grieving. No…I am not better. Yes…I still cry. No…I am not ready to “move on”. Yes…I still miss Jason like crazy. No…I am not thinking that I will ever remarry. Yes…I believe in God. No…I don’t think that “keeping busy” will help. Yes…I have been back working full-time for 2.5 months now. No…I am not going to sell my house. Yes…our kids are doing great and I am so proud of them. No…I don’t want to hear about what you think you would feel and/or do in my situation…you have no fucking idea. Yes…I do go to counseling and have made really supportive friends there.
There seems to be some misconception about what grief really is. It’s not just one feeling. It’s a lot of feelings…sometimes conflicting feelings…all at once.
Grief Is… Grief is sadness. The kind way deep down that is always there Even when there is a smile on my face Or a laugh forced out. Grief is loneliness. No one to tell about my day Cuddle with at night Wake up with in the morning. Grief is confusion. How do I go from living the dream To watching it slip away Leaving me empty? Grief is love. With no one left To give It to. Grief is jealousy. Of those who still Sleep beside their Loves every night. Grief is doubt. Replaying every decision Over and over In my head until I’m crazy with it Grief is anger. Fuck this world Where horrible people live and My husband dies. Grief is identity crisis. Switching from reveling in my role as wife To the new role of widow “The one who just lost her husband” Grief is loss. Not just of my husband But of friends and family Who can’t or won’t support me Grief is guilt. Why do I get to live? He was by far the better person Why am I still here? Grief is silence. When I go for hours Without talking Because I am alone Grief is sleeplessness. When the bed is too big My mind too busy And sleep nowhere to be found Grief is homelessness. Our house doesn’t feel like home anymore. Home was where Jason was. Everywhere I look there he should be. Grief is fear. How am I ever going to manage everything- Do the best for the kids and I? What if I mess up? Grief is vulnerability. I trusted Jason with everything. Now when I need someone It’s hard to open up. Grief is fragility. Emotions so raw and powerful I feel like I could shatter Into a million pieces. Grief is isolating. When people don’t understand And say things that make the hurt So much worse. Grief is lack of control. Feeling like every decision Has been taken away And I am just stuck. Grief is heavy. A huge weight of Responsibilty On my shoulders. Grief is unpredictable. A roller coaster Of emotion Moment to moment. Grief is stressful. The muscles in back Tightening more And more. Grief is exhausting. So tired of the struggle. Day after day after Day after day.