Tag: poetry

The re-entry into “real life” has been a little bit rough this week. I learned that with subsequent vacations I really need to give myself a day off before going back to work. I don’t do well handling the week when I am running on a huge sleep deficit right away Monday morning.

A couple of good things this week though. Seth and I have continued to really build our relationship. He comes upstairs and actually asks me how my day was. I also bought a subscription to Tennis TV since we no longer have cable. Best investment ever. It’s $120 for a year subscription and Seth and I have “tennis dates”. Tonight it was just he and I home so we watched both Indian Wells Men’s Semifinal matches and ordered in from a Japanese restaurant he has been wanting to try. Super low-key and fun.

Anna also came home last night and is home for the next week on Spring Break. Of course, she is working most days…but still feels good to have her home. Her and I were talking out plans for the backyard today….where we are going to plant things and whatnot. Last summer with getting new siding, deck, and fence it felt like we were “under construction” for the majority of it. This summer we are dreaming big dreams. A little tricky since she will be in South Africa the whole month of June, but she has assured me that we will have time to get planting and pots done before she goes. She gets my need to have “peaceful spaces”.

I already bought one new plant that is going to find a home in my backyard this summer…and is living on my desk until then…

Tree of Enchantment

Salix Caprea Pendula
Tree of Enchantment
Hand Grafted Weeping Pussy Willow

Sitting lonely on a storeshelf
Your trunk and bare branches
Passed over

Overshadowed by the
Romance of the rose
Hope in the tulip and the daffodil

Yet you call to me
As a kindred spirit
Strength in your sadness

Unapologetic about yourself
Your branches bending
But resilient

And I tuck you in my cart
I will care for you
Even in your sadness

Sit beside you
And listen to your branches
Telling your story in the wind

And I will never ask you to change
Hide yourself
Be anything but who you are

We had a great time watching tennis yesterday. We watched Kokkinakis v Arnaldi. Such amazing tennis. The points were crazy. The first set I think every game went to deuce several times. And we were sitting so close…just amazing. We also watched the first couple of sets of Popyrin v Daniel before our Minnesota skin had enough sun and we headed back to the house. I think the temp got up to like 73ish yesterday and it felt more like 80. I’m not complaining about that at all!

Spent the rest of the day relaxing by the pool and enjoying the hot tub and fire table outside at our house.

I am having a really good time. It feels good to get away from the norm for awhile and the sun is working wonders on my psyche for sure. I’m more relaxed than I have been in a long while…no doubt about that. It’s difficult to stay present in the now…making new memories…enjoying this time and all that it has to offer. I really, really try…but countless times a day I think of Jason and how he would have loved this…and it makes me so sad that he never got to experience anything like this…and all I can really do is be grateful that I am able to experience this with our boys.

And then there are the moments that I just miss vacationing with my husband. The quiet times when it would have been just he and I relaxing and connecting in different ways than we did in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. When we would be having fun and just enjoying each other’s company. And those are the moments that it’s hard to breathe and that lump in my throat comes back.

Present Sadness

Surrounded
By people
I love

Still you
Fill
My thoughts

Be present
Live now
Make memories

I’m trying but
My heart
Hurts

There’s this lump in my throat. It won’t go away. I think it just lives there now. You know that lump that you get when you feel like you’re on the verge of tears. And my eyes feel tired and gritty, and my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching. I don’t really have a headache, but just this tightness that won’t go away. And my jaw hurts from clenching…holding back words…thoughts…emotions…I don’t even know. I feel irritated with just about everyone. Some of it justified…some maybe not. I feel like there are people that want pieces of me…what me in their lives…to care about and show interest in what they have going on….but they don’t really want to be in mine. Does that make sense? I could just be imagining it…I honestly don’t know anymore sometimes what’s real and what’s made up in my head. All I know is hurt inside. I know they say that hearts get “broken”…but it’s more like a shredding. It doesn’t feel like there are any pieces that can be put back together.

I wake up in the morning and feel so numb and on autopilot that I turn into the groomer and realize I forgot the dogs at home. And just that little mistake sends the tears running down my face. And all I can think is “Get your shit together Marie”.

And I get to work and try to lose myself in my job that I am damn good at and take pride in. But tensions are high…people are upset…changes happening again. And it’s all constantly coming at me like a battering ram. And I just want to put my head down…do my job…and go home. But to what? Home sucks. Loneliness. Empty spaces. No one to relax with. Wind down with. Talk with about the day. Release all this tension built up inside. So it keeps building…building…building. And my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching.

And next week I am going on vacation. And I need to get ready for that. Check more things off the damned list. And all I can do is hope that the sunshine will help relax me…maybe melt this lump in my throat a little. But the fear is there that it may just be worse. I don’t know. I don’t feel right vacationing without Jason. I don’t want to go without my person.

Safe Haven

Even when he was dying
His arms made me feel safe
Like everything would be alright
Even when I knew it wasn't

I miss that feeling

I’m tired and teary tonight. Way overtired…so I’m sure that has a lot to do with the tears. Physically tired…absolutely…can’t remember the last time I slept well…but also emotionally and mentally spent. This week has just been A LOT….a lot of stress…a lot of brushing off of careless words…a lot of handling things on my own. I know that I’m strong and can do hard things…I just don’t want to effing have to…I’m tired.

Ironically, I actually had a pretty good day today. Seth helped me get my car in for service…overdue for an oil change and had so much ice and snow jammed up in the wheel wells the whole car was shaking when I went over 60…lovely Minnesnowta problem. Levi had tennis in Eden Prairie so I went to watch him. He lost, but still always fun to watch him play. Since I was in my sister’s neck of the woods I texted her and we got together for a few hours. All good stuff. A good Saturday.

And then I came home and just lost it. Sometimes the “good” is hard. I want to be able to sit with Jason and watch our kid play tennis. I want to get together with my sister and then come home and talk to Jason about it. I want he and I to be the partners we always were with all the “life stuff”…like oil changes. Like I said, I know that I can do it by myself…or the boys can help me with some things…maybe I should even be proud of myself. But right now…I’m just in survival mode so much of the time…I’m just getting through day-by-day what I have to do.

I have vacation coming up in a few weeks. Going to Palm Springs with the boys to watch the BNP tennis tournament at Indian Wells. I’m trying to look forward to it…say all the right words at all the right times…and it hopefully will be relaxing once we are there…but so much stress with that too. Solidifying plans for the dogs…ride to the airport and back…getting shifts covered at work…what to pack…trying to think of all the things that Jason would usually do because those are the things I will forget…constantly feeling sad because we’re going without Jason to a professional tennis tournament (again). He would be so excited right now. I feel like an imposter…I’m trying really hard to be excited, but I’m so sad. Tennis was his thing. He should be the one doing this with our boys. The three of them would have loved that so much.

I just don’t know if I can “vacation”. I tried to vacation last summer too and ended up cancelling all our plans. Maybe it’s just that I know vacation isn’t going to fix any damn part of what’s wrong with my life. I’m afraid I’m just going to miss him harder in a different place.

So rambly tonight and I haven’t even been drinking. Probably should just go to bed.

Ephemeral Me

I want my life
To feel real again

For me to be MYSELF

For happy
Content
Optimistic
Smiling
Fun
Laughing
Peaceful
Secure
Loved

Are my default ways of being
Instead of ephemeral

But that is an impossible dream
And the nightmare reality.

Anxiety. Has been a very real constant companion lately.

The Hydra

Anxiety whispers in my ear
Lists
Every
Thing
That can go wrong
Infinite possibilities in a second

Every text from my kids
Tragedy
Accident
Sickness
Their names on the caller id?
My heart pounds out of my chest

Sleepless nights
Worrying
Panicking
Tossing
Turning
Staring at an empty pillow

One of my deepest fears realized
Anxiety laughs
Tightens her grip
On my emotions
Reminds me
Tragedy is possible

Safety
Security
Happiness
Reality?
Illusion?
Myth?

I try to laugh at Anxiety
Call her out
Force her into the Light
Banish her to Darkness
Take away her Power
Cut off her head

But she is like a hydra
Sprouting heads
Again and again
Laughing
Louder and louder
At me

I never would have labeled myself as an anxious person, but now…looking back on my life there are a few things that I always have had unfounded fears about. One of those fears Jason really helped me work through…and that is driving. He knew how much anxiety driving on highways gave me and instead of making fun of, or teasing me about it, he gave me little tips and tricks to help me feel in control of my anxiety. I still hear his voice in my head a lot when I am driving on highways…calming me down….telling me which lanes to get in on certain highways so that I’m in the right spot for where I want to exit. He knew part of my anxiety was because of my horrible sense of direction, so he bought me a GPS for my car as soon as they were a thing. One of the best gifts ever. He would also take me on a trial drive if he could tell that I was anxious about going somewhere….like a new job in Downtown Minneapolis a few years back. He knew just what to do and say to give me confidence.

Now driving anxiety is creeping back in because Levi is learning how to drive…and I’m supposed to be teaching him !? I am constantly having to hide my anxiety from Levi…and truthfully don’t always do a good job. Third kid…you would think this would be old hat…but I had nothing to do with teaching Anna or Seth to drive. Jason taught Anna and a family friend taught Seth. I hate every second of it.

I always had anxiety about losing Jason….always in a car accident. I would often catch myself when I knew he would be driving home from work…or a tennis match…making mental plans in my head. Something along these lines “If I get the call right now I’ll have to arrange someone to pick up Seth from after-school chess. And then who can come be with Anna and Levi? What hospital will they take him to? How will I get there? Will I be too upset to drive? I’ll have to remember to shut the oven off because I have that casserole cooking.” Totally unfounded anxiety. He was never in a car accident of any sort. I never told him all my crazy thoughts…just was always really glad to see him when he got home.

Never in all my anxious thoughts did I imagine how I would really lose him. Because cancer happens to other people.

Weekends. I love and hate them. I need the break from work and the constant “people-ing”…but I also struggle to keep myself from sinking. Last night, our friend was playing a match for Jason’s old USTA team again. Seth and I went to watch. When I watched a few weeks ago I had a fun time…this time…I was struggling. So sad….couldn’t bring myself to even go out for drinks afterward. Told myself I was just tired and came home and went to bed.

Today I’m melancholy and restless. Just haven’t been able to settle. Thought maybe some fresh air would help…went outside and played with the dogs…nope. Thought maybe I needed a project to do…started cleaning a small part of my kitchen. Wanted to be done with that as soon as I started. Thought maybe I could escape into a book…nope. Harry Potter video game? Nope. I did rearrange some of Anna’s plants. I am getting to be a better “plant Grandma”. Some of them are even growing new leaves! Started some soup that Seth really likes. Might as well make him happy!

Oh that child of ours. All of the sensitive parts of Jason and I in one package. I love all of our children fiercely, but he brings out all my protective Mama Bear instincts. Don’t eff with him or you will see my teeth. Watching him try to navigate this world without his Dad has brought me worry…tears…stress…and unbelievable pride. People might think he’s taking some sort of “easy way out” by living at home and not “doing anything” right now…but if you think it is easy in this society to be a 19 year old boy and admit that you need to pause and get mental health help…think again.

So…here I am…sitting in my “writing spot”…wondering if there’s any hope for “Spring”.

Endless Winter

Watching the world out my window
Snow on the ground
Trodden and worn
Icy on the surface
Treacherous
For the unsuspecting
Soul

Sunlight bright
Glaring off the snow
Welcomed, but painful
Like a slumbering bear
Emerging from her den
Blinking ferociously at the
Offensive sun

The steel skeleton of my gazebo
Standing steadfast through the winter
Waiting to be clothed again
With flowers and a roof
A safe and peaceful refuge
When the world gets too loud
And intrusive

Every now and then a brave chickadee
Emerges from the naked tree branches
Flits to a feeder
Selects her choice of delicacy
From the buffet
Flies back to the tree
Leaving the feeders forlorn and waiting

The air is still and cold
Quiet windchimes
Flags hanging
Waiting for a breeze
To breathe them back to life
Winter can’t last forever
Can it?

The missing him never lessens. Just this today.

The Core

I’m flaking off in pieces
Into space
Losing myself
Little by little
Layer by layer
Like an onion
Or a villain
Defeated by the hero
I’m flaking off in pieces
My hero would wrap his arms
Around me tight
Like a vise
Until every atom of my body
Felt secure
And loved
A beautiful, cherished whole
I’m flaking off in pieces
What will be left
At the core?

As Taylor Swift would say “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”. I haven’t written anything in about a month now. I “write” a lot in my head, but just haven’t put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. I couldn’t really figure out why until today…and then it came to me…kinda in a dream. It’s because I have been feeling like a complete failure. My last post I was writing about “Intention” and “Fulfillment” and I’ve put so much pressure on myself to “succeed” in those things that I have worked myself up into a stressed out ball of misery. And without my person here to help me work myself out and help me focus I just kept winding myself up tighter and tighter.

And then last night I got up to let the dogs outside at 3am and I was having a really hard time falling back to sleep…I made the mistake of looking at my phone…my brain woke up just a little too much…and I was laying there at 3am despairing over life…feeling like it will never get better. And then I finally dozed off and I had a dream about Jason.

Dream

I had a dream last night
Last night I had a dream
You were there
Your lips on mine
My hands on your cheeks
I can still feel your whiskers
On my palms
Trying to keep you
Even though I knew
It was impossible
Even in my dream
Last night I had a dream

And as the day went by today I started to see more clearly all the stress that I have been putting on myself…really unnecessarily. So…next tactic…find the things over which I have control and make small changes where I can. And continue to look for fulfillment in the things that make me happy…building relationships with family and friends, writing, listening to music, our kids, plans for my yard once the snow melts. At some point the “surviving” has to start feeling like “living” right?

Fun with my Sister-in-Laws!