Resilience

I dipped down to one of the lowest points I have been in awhile this past week. It was one of those times that it was not the never-ending physical loneliness that cut me down, but the emotional loneliness. The knowing that there is not a single person out there who honestly understands how I feel. There are people who can come close…like my friends who are widows…but even their circumstances are different. Just like I don’t know how it feels for my husband to die quickly and unexpectantly, they don’t know how my experience feels. Do I want my friends and family to know exactly how I feel? Of course not! They know how losing Jason feels to them, but it is a different experience than losing the love of your life. I’m not saying that their grief is not as deep or as painful as mine…just different.

Of course, those lowest points always hit in the middle of the night…when the physical loneliness is also at it’s worst and the empty side of the bed feels like it is the only thing that matters.

Tears at Night

I need your arms around me
Your thumbs catching my tears
Whispering I love you
Erasing all my fears

The tears are pooling on my pillow
As I pull the covers tight
And fears are running rampant
In the dark of night

I’m a hostage to my sobs
Attacking with no mercy
Emotion beaten down too long
Is nothing if not messy

The sobs have run their course
Release me from their grasp
Flip the pillow to the dry side
Wish for sleep to find me fast

And then the alarm goes off the next morning…and the last thing that I want to do is function…but I have to…and I’m still teary-eyed when I get into work…and it takes me longer than usual to get in “work mode”. I’m grateful for my tribe who are at the other end of a text or phone call at times like that.

Yesterday this flower opened up. I think just to remind me that I’m still capable of “creating” beautiful things. I have gone from single-handedly decimating all of Anna’s house plants about a year ago to not only keeping them all alive, but keeping them all thriving…and flowering. I now have over 60 plants in my house that I am constantly “babying”. I think sometimes even Anna thinks I’m whacked when I facetime her just so I can show off a new leaf. I started thinking of names for them…and then decided that was crazy.

Today we woke up to 8 inches of snow on the ground…not exactly a welcome sight…but I’ve had a really good day today. Seth…who has been an immense help lately…cleared the driveway with the help of the neighbor’s snowblower. I don’t think ours would have stood a chance with this wet stuff. I put a huge pot of chili on the stove. Made chocolate chip cookies…which Levi enjoyed especially. Practiced the piano with the help of a new online program I invested in. Talked to my sister on the phone. Watched the snow melt and the birds at the feeder. And thought a lot about resilience.

Resilience

Woke up this morning
To a world blanketed in 
White

Unwelcome snow
Crushing spirits in
April

The winter has been
Hard enough
Why now?

Don’t we deserve the 
Green life of
Spring?

I look out the front window
My poor birch tree
Flattened.

The weight of
Snow and ice
Overwhelming

My first instinct is to
Go out and
Help

Knock the snow off
Her branches
Rescue her

But what if her branches
Are encased in ice and 
Brittle?

And helping ease her
Weight will cause them to
Snap?

So I wait with
Bated breath
Hopeful

The the sun’s warmth
Will bring her back to
Life

In her own time
She will stand tall
Again.