I dipped down to one of the lowest points I have been in awhile this past week. It was one of those times that it was not the never-ending physical loneliness that cut me down, but the emotional loneliness. The knowing that there is not a single person out there who honestly understands how I feel. There are people who can come close…like my friends who are widows…but even their circumstances are different. Just like I don’t know how it feels for my husband to die quickly and unexpectantly, they don’t know how my experience feels. Do I want my friends and family to know exactly how I feel? Of course not! They know how losing Jason feels to them, but it is a different experience than losing the love of your life. I’m not saying that their grief is not as deep or as painful as mine…just different.
Of course, those lowest points always hit in the middle of the night…when the physical loneliness is also at it’s worst and the empty side of the bed feels like it is the only thing that matters.
Tears at Night I need your arms around me Your thumbs catching my tears Whispering I love you Erasing all my fears The tears are pooling on my pillow As I pull the covers tight And fears are running rampant In the dark of night I’m a hostage to my sobs Attacking with no mercy Emotion beaten down too long Is nothing if not messy The sobs have run their course Release me from their grasp Flip the pillow to the dry side Wish for sleep to find me fast
And then the alarm goes off the next morning…and the last thing that I want to do is function…but I have to…and I’m still teary-eyed when I get into work…and it takes me longer than usual to get in “work mode”. I’m grateful for my tribe who are at the other end of a text or phone call at times like that.
Yesterday this flower opened up. I think just to remind me that I’m still capable of “creating” beautiful things. I have gone from single-handedly decimating all of Anna’s house plants about a year ago to not only keeping them all alive, but keeping them all thriving…and flowering. I now have over 60 plants in my house that I am constantly “babying”. I think sometimes even Anna thinks I’m whacked when I facetime her just so I can show off a new leaf. I started thinking of names for them…and then decided that was crazy.
Today we woke up to 8 inches of snow on the ground…not exactly a welcome sight…but I’ve had a really good day today. Seth…who has been an immense help lately…cleared the driveway with the help of the neighbor’s snowblower. I don’t think ours would have stood a chance with this wet stuff. I put a huge pot of chili on the stove. Made chocolate chip cookies…which Levi enjoyed especially. Practiced the piano with the help of a new online program I invested in. Talked to my sister on the phone. Watched the snow melt and the birds at the feeder. And thought a lot about resilience.
Resilience Woke up this morning To a world blanketed in White Unwelcome snow Crushing spirits in April The winter has been Hard enough Why now? Don’t we deserve the Green life of Spring? I look out the front window My poor birch tree Flattened. The weight of Snow and ice Overwhelming My first instinct is to Go out and Help Knock the snow off Her branches Rescue her But what if her branches Are encased in ice and Brittle? And helping ease her Weight will cause them to Snap? So I wait with Bated breath Hopeful The the sun’s warmth Will bring her back to Life In her own time She will stand tall Again.