Trying to keep the tears away tonight. Started my day out with a trip to the dentist for a cleaning. I would say “routine cleaning” but there was nothing routine about it as I hadn’t been in there for over 3 years. Jason and I and the kids have been going to the same dentist for years and years. I think I was pregnant with Seth (!?) when we first started going there. We quickly found our favorite hygienist and she got used to our pattern of back-to-back appointments so that we could swap the kids. She knew nothing about Jason getting glioblastoma and passing away. So of course, when she called me back and said “So good to see you! How have you guys been?” it was a gut-wrenching, tear-filled moment for both of us. And the whole time she was scraping years of plaque off my teeth (I really don’t recommend it) I could tell she was just shattered. I felt like I should apologize for giving her such bad news right away on a Monday morning. Luckily, I don’t have any cavities…but surprise, surprise…stress makes me clench my teeth when I sleep…so really sexy night guard coming right up. The dogs will be horrified.
April is also a tough month for me because it was three years ago this month that Jason’s behavior started being a little “off” and he was ultimately diagnosed with glioblastoma. So, every time I look out into my yard and think about what I want to do where….my mind goes right back to the day we were trying to measure for mulch and Jason couldn’t figure it out. And from there to the day we we got a call before we were in the door from the MRI. And from there to sitting in the neurosurgeon’s office and hearing “terminal brain cancer”, “glioblastoma”, “craniotomy”, “disability”. And I would give anything to go back to the bliss and ignorance of March 2020.
April 2020 is when I fell in love with the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. I love music, so of course there are lots of songs that take me back to different points in our relationship. This one…and I know I’m posted it here before…takes me right to those days after Jason was diagnosed when I wanted nothing more than to throw the covers over our heads and stay there forever.
This song is definitely on my list of “I Must Learn How to Play This on Piano”. I think I said in my last post that I bought a different online piano course (Pianote). It has been fantastic. Sitting at the piano gives my brain something to focus on when my thoughts start spinning out of control. This new method focuses more on learning chords…at least to start…which is working a lot better for me…and helping my hands work together…not an easy task! I’m finding success with a lot less frustration.
Last night I was thinking a lot about parenting. Just as I don’t consider myself single…I also don’t consider myself a single parent. I would never refer to myself that way. I’m just a Mom to three great kids whose Dad is only with them in spirit…but he’s still with them in every decision they make and in every bit of advice and guidance I give them. I wholeheartedly believe that if Jason were here he would be telling them the exact same things that I tell them.
Tonight Levi was sulking. I knew what he was sulking about but I kept asking him what was wrong and all I was getting was the “teenage eye roll”. Finally, I said to him “I know what you’re upset about. Do you want to talk about it and come up with a solution or keep sulking?” He looked at me…started talking…and we worked it out. At the end of the conversation I said “I love you. Maybe next time just talk to your Momma instead of sulking” and I got a “yeah”. We’re figuring each other out. It’s just extra hard when I’m “by myself” and my emotional energy is often so tapped out. But I’ll take the small victories.
And look…I grew another flower!
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 