Exhausted Rambles

I’m tired and teary tonight. Way overtired…so I’m sure that has a lot to do with the tears. Physically tired…absolutely…can’t remember the last time I slept well…but also emotionally and mentally spent. This week has just been A LOT….a lot of stress…a lot of brushing off of careless words…a lot of handling things on my own. I know that I’m strong and can do hard things…I just don’t want to effing have to…I’m tired.

Ironically, I actually had a pretty good day today. Seth helped me get my car in for service…overdue for an oil change and had so much ice and snow jammed up in the wheel wells the whole car was shaking when I went over 60…lovely Minnesnowta problem. Levi had tennis in Eden Prairie so I went to watch him. He lost, but still always fun to watch him play. Since I was in my sister’s neck of the woods I texted her and we got together for a few hours. All good stuff. A good Saturday.

And then I came home and just lost it. Sometimes the “good” is hard. I want to be able to sit with Jason and watch our kid play tennis. I want to get together with my sister and then come home and talk to Jason about it. I want he and I to be the partners we always were with all the “life stuff”…like oil changes. Like I said, I know that I can do it by myself…or the boys can help me with some things…maybe I should even be proud of myself. But right now…I’m just in survival mode so much of the time…I’m just getting through day-by-day what I have to do.

I have vacation coming up in a few weeks. Going to Palm Springs with the boys to watch the BNP tennis tournament at Indian Wells. I’m trying to look forward to it…say all the right words at all the right times…and it hopefully will be relaxing once we are there…but so much stress with that too. Solidifying plans for the dogs…ride to the airport and back…getting shifts covered at work…what to pack…trying to think of all the things that Jason would usually do because those are the things I will forget…constantly feeling sad because we’re going without Jason to a professional tennis tournament (again). He would be so excited right now. I feel like an imposter…I’m trying really hard to be excited, but I’m so sad. Tennis was his thing. He should be the one doing this with our boys. The three of them would have loved that so much.

I just don’t know if I can “vacation”. I tried to vacation last summer too and ended up cancelling all our plans. Maybe it’s just that I know vacation isn’t going to fix any damn part of what’s wrong with my life. I’m afraid I’m just going to miss him harder in a different place.

So rambly tonight and I haven’t even been drinking. Probably should just go to bed.

Ephemeral Me

I want my life
To feel real again

For me to be MYSELF

For happy

Are my default ways of being
Instead of ephemeral

But that is an impossible dream
And the nightmare reality.

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