That Lump in Your Throat

There’s this lump in my throat. It won’t go away. I think it just lives there now. You know that lump that you get when you feel like you’re on the verge of tears. And my eyes feel tired and gritty, and my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching. I don’t really have a headache, but just this tightness that won’t go away. And my jaw hurts from clenching…holding back words…thoughts…emotions…I don’t even know. I feel irritated with just about everyone. Some of it justified…some maybe not. I feel like there are people that want pieces of me…what me in their lives…to care about and show interest in what they have going on….but they don’t really want to be in mine. Does that make sense? I could just be imagining it…I honestly don’t know anymore sometimes what’s real and what’s made up in my head. All I know is hurt inside. I know they say that hearts get “broken”…but it’s more like a shredding. It doesn’t feel like there are any pieces that can be put back together.

I wake up in the morning and feel so numb and on autopilot that I turn into the groomer and realize I forgot the dogs at home. And just that little mistake sends the tears running down my face. And all I can think is “Get your shit together Marie”.

And I get to work and try to lose myself in my job that I am damn good at and take pride in. But tensions are high…people are upset…changes happening again. And it’s all constantly coming at me like a battering ram. And I just want to put my head down…do my job…and go home. But to what? Home sucks. Loneliness. Empty spaces. No one to relax with. Wind down with. Talk with about the day. Release all this tension built up inside. So it keeps building…building…building. And my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching.

And next week I am going on vacation. And I need to get ready for that. Check more things off the damned list. And all I can do is hope that the sunshine will help relax me…maybe melt this lump in my throat a little. But the fear is there that it may just be worse. I don’t know. I don’t feel right vacationing without Jason. I don’t want to go without my person.

Safe Haven

Even when he was dying
His arms made me feel safe
Like everything would be alright
Even when I knew it wasn't

I miss that feeling