Anxiety

Anxiety. Has been a very real constant companion lately.

The Hydra

Anxiety whispers in my ear
Lists
Every
Thing
That can go wrong
Infinite possibilities in a second

Every text from my kids
Tragedy
Accident
Sickness
Their names on the caller id?
My heart pounds out of my chest

Sleepless nights
Worrying
Panicking
Tossing
Turning
Staring at an empty pillow

One of my deepest fears realized
Anxiety laughs
Tightens her grip
On my emotions
Reminds me
Tragedy is possible

Safety
Security
Happiness
Reality?
Illusion?
Myth?

I try to laugh at Anxiety
Call her out
Force her into the Light
Banish her to Darkness
Take away her Power
Cut off her head

But she is like a hydra
Sprouting heads
Again and again
Laughing
Louder and louder
At me

I never would have labeled myself as an anxious person, but now…looking back on my life there are a few things that I always have had unfounded fears about. One of those fears Jason really helped me work through…and that is driving. He knew how much anxiety driving on highways gave me and instead of making fun of, or teasing me about it, he gave me little tips and tricks to help me feel in control of my anxiety. I still hear his voice in my head a lot when I am driving on highways…calming me down….telling me which lanes to get in on certain highways so that I’m in the right spot for where I want to exit. He knew part of my anxiety was because of my horrible sense of direction, so he bought me a GPS for my car as soon as they were a thing. One of the best gifts ever. He would also take me on a trial drive if he could tell that I was anxious about going somewhere….like a new job in Downtown Minneapolis a few years back. He knew just what to do and say to give me confidence.

Now driving anxiety is creeping back in because Levi is learning how to drive…and I’m supposed to be teaching him !? I am constantly having to hide my anxiety from Levi…and truthfully don’t always do a good job. Third kid…you would think this would be old hat…but I had nothing to do with teaching Anna or Seth to drive. Jason taught Anna and a family friend taught Seth. I hate every second of it.

I always had anxiety about losing Jason….always in a car accident. I would often catch myself when I knew he would be driving home from work…or a tennis match…making mental plans in my head. Something along these lines “If I get the call right now I’ll have to arrange someone to pick up Seth from after-school chess. And then who can come be with Anna and Levi? What hospital will they take him to? How will I get there? Will I be too upset to drive? I’ll have to remember to shut the oven off because I have that casserole cooking.” Totally unfounded anxiety. He was never in a car accident of any sort. I never told him all my crazy thoughts…just was always really glad to see him when he got home.

Never in all my anxious thoughts did I imagine how I would really lose him. Because cancer happens to other people.