Weekends. I love and hate them. I need the break from work and the constant “people-ing”…but I also struggle to keep myself from sinking. Last night, our friend was playing a match for Jason’s old USTA team again. Seth and I went to watch. When I watched a few weeks ago I had a fun time…this time…I was struggling. So sad….couldn’t bring myself to even go out for drinks afterward. Told myself I was just tired and came home and went to bed.
Today I’m melancholy and restless. Just haven’t been able to settle. Thought maybe some fresh air would help…went outside and played with the dogs…nope. Thought maybe I needed a project to do…started cleaning a small part of my kitchen. Wanted to be done with that as soon as I started. Thought maybe I could escape into a book…nope. Harry Potter video game? Nope. I did rearrange some of Anna’s plants. I am getting to be a better “plant Grandma”. Some of them are even growing new leaves! Started some soup that Seth really likes. Might as well make him happy!
Oh that child of ours. All of the sensitive parts of Jason and I in one package. I love all of our children fiercely, but he brings out all my protective Mama Bear instincts. Don’t eff with him or you will see my teeth. Watching him try to navigate this world without his Dad has brought me worry…tears…stress…and unbelievable pride. People might think he’s taking some sort of “easy way out” by living at home and not “doing anything” right now…but if you think it is easy in this society to be a 19 year old boy and admit that you need to pause and get mental health help…think again.
So…here I am…sitting in my “writing spot”…wondering if there’s any hope for “Spring”.
Endless Winter Watching the world out my window Snow on the ground Trodden and worn Icy on the surface Treacherous For the unsuspecting Soul Sunlight bright Glaring off the snow Welcomed, but painful Like a slumbering bear Emerging from her den Blinking ferociously at the Offensive sun The steel skeleton of my gazebo Standing steadfast through the winter Waiting to be clothed again With flowers and a roof A safe and peaceful refuge When the world gets too loud And intrusive Every now and then a brave chickadee Emerges from the naked tree branches Flits to a feeder Selects her choice of delicacy From the buffet Flies back to the tree Leaving the feeders forlorn and waiting The air is still and cold Quiet windchimes Flags hanging Waiting for a breeze To breathe them back to life Winter can’t last forever Can it?
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 