Winter Weekend

Weekends. I love and hate them. I need the break from work and the constant “people-ing”…but I also struggle to keep myself from sinking. Last night, our friend was playing a match for Jason’s old USTA team again. Seth and I went to watch. When I watched a few weeks ago I had a fun time…this time…I was struggling. So sad….couldn’t bring myself to even go out for drinks afterward. Told myself I was just tired and came home and went to bed.

Today I’m melancholy and restless. Just haven’t been able to settle. Thought maybe some fresh air would help…went outside and played with the dogs…nope. Thought maybe I needed a project to do…started cleaning a small part of my kitchen. Wanted to be done with that as soon as I started. Thought maybe I could escape into a book…nope. Harry Potter video game? Nope. I did rearrange some of Anna’s plants. I am getting to be a better “plant Grandma”. Some of them are even growing new leaves! Started some soup that Seth really likes. Might as well make him happy!

Oh that child of ours. All of the sensitive parts of Jason and I in one package. I love all of our children fiercely, but he brings out all my protective Mama Bear instincts. Don’t eff with him or you will see my teeth. Watching him try to navigate this world without his Dad has brought me worry…tears…stress…and unbelievable pride. People might think he’s taking some sort of “easy way out” by living at home and not “doing anything” right now…but if you think it is easy in this society to be a 19 year old boy and admit that you need to pause and get mental health help…think again.

So…here I am…sitting in my “writing spot”…wondering if there’s any hope for “Spring”.

Endless Winter

Watching the world out my window
Snow on the ground
Trodden and worn
Icy on the surface
For the unsuspecting

Sunlight bright
Glaring off the snow
Welcomed, but painful
Like a slumbering bear
Emerging from her den
Blinking ferociously at the
Offensive sun

The steel skeleton of my gazebo
Standing steadfast through the winter
Waiting to be clothed again
With flowers and a roof
A safe and peaceful refuge
When the world gets too loud
And intrusive

Every now and then a brave chickadee
Emerges from the naked tree branches
Flits to a feeder
Selects her choice of delicacy
From the buffet
Flies back to the tree
Leaving the feeders forlorn and waiting

The air is still and cold
Quiet windchimes
Flags hanging
Waiting for a breeze
To breathe them back to life
Winter can’t last forever
Can it?

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