I have a lot on my mind tonight…really missing being able to talk things through with Jason. He was the practical one…the one that could see “big picture”…who shouldered a lot of responsibility while I was constantly trying to figure myself out.
I’m sure he was frustrated with me sometimes, but he never let it show. He just always encouraged me to do my best and put so much faith in me.
Now I’m shouldering all the responsibility…no back up if I eff up. I hate it. I don’t think I was made for this level of adulting.
Babe…if you could just give me some signs to tell me what to do…preferably neon and blinking…that would be cool.
I’m tired and cranky tonight so instead of dwelling on my day…which was fine…nothing “bad” happened…I’m going to write about a good memory instead. This memory goes waaaay back 11 whole years to 2010. Jason and I were both 33.
To set the stage…Jason and I both grew up in big families. I was the second oldest…and the obvious favorite (lol)…of 6 kids. Jason and his brother were the babies in their blended family of 7 kids. My family’s vacations usually entailed camping somewhere in Northern Wisconsin. One year we took a trip to Pictured Rock National Lakeshore in Michigan…and I do remember visiting an aunt and uncle in Chicago…but for the most part we camped. Great memories were made. I think the most exotic trip that Jason remembered going on was out to Yellowstone…and they also took lots of trips to North Dakota to visit family. Again…lots of great memories.
So back to my memory…here we are 33 and neither one of us had ever been on an airplane. Jason was working at Boston Scientific by this time and they decided to send him and a few of his coworkers to a conference in Denver. When Jason found out they were sending him he was so nervous about the plane. I think mostly that he would get motion sickness and throw up…he absolutely hated throwing up. The conference was during the week..Monday-Thursday I think…so he asked me if I would want to fly out to Denver on Thursday and meet him and spend the weekend out there with him. I think he was surprised that I said yes because he didn’t think I would want to fly on the plane for the first time by myself. He would at least have coworkers to fly with and show him the ropes. I was not about to miss out on spending a weekend in Denver with him though! As it turned out one of his coworkers had the same plan with his wife…so her and I flew out together.
This was not only our first “airplane vacation” it was also the first time we had really left our kids for the weekend. Anna was 8, Seth 7, and Levi 4. We had such a great time together. We hiked in the Rockies. Rode the cog railway up to Pikes Peak. Went to the Garden of the Gods. Took in the Cave of the Winds…I was on full alert for bats! It was fantastic to have that time to concentrate on each other and just have fun together. Of course we talked about the kids a lot…either that we were glad they weren’t along (when we were hiking)…or when we did something we thought they would enjoy (like the cog railway up the mountain).
This trip was the first of many more “airplane vacations” and I think really gave us a desire to see more of the world. There are so many beautiful spots out there and it is so fun to explore and discover them with the people you love.
I had a very busy day yesterday…went to bed without writing about it…and then tossed and turned all. night. long. There was almost a 2:00am blog post…
Yesterday I went with 5 other women from my grief counseling group on a road trip/field trip. We drove over to Stillwater…walked around a bit and had lunch…and then drove up to Taylor’s Falls…had ice cream…and drove back. It was the first time I had met any of these ladies in person…but it really didn’t feel like it at all. There were a lot of laughs…and only a few tears…plus there was gorgeous weather. It was a really good day. It’s amazing how sharing heartache can form strong bonds pretty quickly.
In the evening I met up with the insurance guy I wrote about a few weeks back who lost his wife to brain cancer 5 years ago. That was great too. Although his wife had a different kind of cancer than Jason, he and I had a lot of similar experiences and emotions as spouses and caregivers. He was the first person who I have encountered that really “gets it”…brain cancer…young spouse…kids…trying to hold the pieces together somehow. He gave me a lot of things to think about. Two of them have been in the forefront of my mind today.
The first is the idea that “people are watching me” to see how I deal with Jason’s death…how our family deals with it…how we journey through grief…and spiritual/religious beliefs that are all wrapped up in that. Obviously I write a blog about my journey. It started with Caring Bridge…as a tool for me to keep people informed about Jason’s health and how our family was doing…then with this blog it morphed into something much more for me than for anyone else. Writing helps me process my day…my feelings…things that have happened. This is where I am “real”.
So let me be completely real for a second because the insurance guy asked me about my spiritual path last night…fair question…and I think maybe one of the things that people wonder about as they are “watching me” grieve. Other than asking for prayers…and thanking people for their prayers…I don’t really say much about it. Why?? Because I believe in God but I am also completely confused and more than a little bit angry right now. I do believe that Jason is in Heaven. He was such a completely good person how could he not be?? But why did this happen to him?? Why do horrible things like this happen to good people when there are so many assholes out there walking around completely healthy?? I want to stomp my foot at how unfair that is. Insurance guy said that there is always a bigger picture…a bigger plan…we just can’t see it yet. I guess I’d like to believe that in some way some good can happen out of all of this pain.
I remember a night when Jason was sick. We were laying in bed and I was crying. Completely heartbroken…overwhelmed…devastated. I said to him “I just don’t understand why this is happening to you” You know what he said? “Cancer doesn’t care”. Why is it that he was able to be so much more accepting of his fate than me? He was always the better person. The one with more grace. The one who was just so selfless.
That was a lot for the first thing I have been thinking about today…on to the second. Insurance guy said that he has a friend who always is telling him he has to “live his own story”. I don’t know why that hit me as being very profound because it is really so simple on the surface. Maybe because I always worry about what other people will think…or what someone else would do…or I search for approval for my actions. Maybe it’s because right now I feel stuck and frustrated…unable to go back…unable to look to the future…miserable in the present. I have no idea what my story is now…but I have to remind myself that I do have some power in what my story will look like.
So that’s why I was tossing and turning last night. Lots of heavy thoughts. Today was a less heavy day. Work and then a nice walk with a friend.
Today I really wanted to give myself a relaxing day after all the hub-bub of Friday and Saturday. It started with breakfast with my friend Vicki. We have a no-pressure standing Sunday morning breakfast date. When we are both available we go out for breakfast…if we’re not, we don’t. It is the best thing ever. When it does work out I enjoy our breakfasts immensely.
I have been writing a lot of poetry and decided that I needed to learn more about poetry and read more poetry. It is enjoyable and makes me feel like I am “doing” something…learning something…in this time right now where my inability to “do” is causing me a lot of frustration. So I took myself to Barnes and Noble this morning and went a little overboard in the poetry section…if you were going to go to the Burnsville Barnes and Noble and buy poetry books you might want to wait until they restock…
After spending the afternoon reading, I decided to turn the TV on and see if there was anything on Netflix or Hulu worth watching. Other than watching a movie or two with the kids…and tennis…I have not turned the TV on since Jason passed away. TV was more his thing than mine. I am much more likely to be reading or listening to music. Trying to find something to watch was frustrating. Everything reminded me of Jason in some way…a show or movie I had watched with him…too much romance…too sad…etc. I ended up watching a few episodes of The Wonder Years and then turning the TV off.
Tonight I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. I took the day off work and am going on a drive to have lunch/look at leaves/get away with some of the ladies from my grief counseling group. Since we meet virtually this will be the first time I meet them in person. Today I was thinking how odd it feels to be making friends that Jason doesn’t know…and will never know…that’s hard for me to accept. We definitely had some separate friends before…but a lot of them eventually became “our” friends…and we met each other’s friends for sure. Just another thing to get used to somehow…
Here’s the poem I was working on today. The concept has been rattling around in my brain for a few weeks. Not sure it’s done yet….there might be more to this one…we’ll see.
The Merry-Go-Round
Life is like a merry-go-round
Music playing
Laughter
Smiles.
Parents standing next to toddlers
Keeping them safe
From
Falling.
Older children hop on in groups-
Choosing their
Mounts
Carefully.
Couples hold hands as they
Bob together
Up and
Down.
I stand in the middle.
Paralyzed.
Watching.
Alone.
Feeling over-tired and emotional tonight. I had a really good time in Eau Claire with Emily and Tim. We went out for breakfast this morning and then headed over to the UW-Eau Claire Homecoming Game to watch the marching band. We got there early enough to chat with Anna and her friend Ashleigh beforehand.
The marching band also did a “tailgate show” before the game started that was really fun. Anna was in the back row so we were only able to catch glimpses of her now and again. We did manage to snag a picture as they were walking into the stadium.
We suffered through watching the first half of the football game…and then watched the Halftime Show. I was excited that we sat on the correct side of the field and I was able to pick Anna out pretty easily. She is the second trumpet from the left in this picture
I left to come home after the Halftime Show and then went to watch Levi play tennis.
He lost his first match and won his second match. He hadn’t played a match for a couple of months so he enjoyed competing again. He has really been working hard on improving his technique and game strategy. I love watching him play…although he told me he started playing bad when I started watching…sigh. He never complained about Jason watching him.
Jason would be so proud of how well our kids are doing. They obviously miss him. We talk about him…what he would’ve said or done in certain situations. I think in a lot of ways having their Dad here and seeing how sick he was…how he couldn’t do the things he loved to do with them anymore…how he was in pain…and then ultimately watching him die…that was extremely hard on them. Now they are feeling more settled…more secure in their day-to-day…they are able to look to the future. I am so proud of them. They bring me joy like nothing else can…just seeing them happy…doing the things they love…indescribable emotion. They are living like their Dad wanted them to.
Then there’s me. So broken. Even though I had fun in Eau Claire a huge part of me was just bleeding inside the whole time. Seeing all the other happy couples there. Every young college couple was Jason and I. Listening to conversations around us on the bleachers…a couple behind us who had met at UWEC and got married…just like we did. All these people not even realizing how lucky they are…blissfully going about their lives. By the time the Halftime Show was over I was ready to run out of there…by the time I got to my car tears were rolling down my cheeks. Jason would have loved to be there today seeing his Girl. I wanted him next to me…watching her…talking about how amazing she is.
I spent the evening with my sister Emily, my brother-in-law Tim, and Anna (my Baby Girl). Oh my gosh…it felt so good to spend the evening laughing with them…telling stories…hanging out. Emily is my baby sister. I was a Sophomore in high school when she was born. I think she was about four when Jason and I became “Ree and Jas”. This is my absolute favorite picture of the two of them. I knew right then he would be a really good Dad.
We are going to go watch the UW-Eau Claire football game tomorrow…and more importantly the marching band’s halftime show. It does my heart so much good to see how well Anna is doing here at UW-Eau Claire. She is really thriving…Jason would be so very proud of her…his Daddy’s girl.
Now is the time when I start to feel really sad and alone. Listening to music…writing…and wishing I had my person here with me. Nothing can take his place. I just keep looking for him…wishing he were here…
When Jason was home and I would go to work I would keep track of people that I had seen…who had asked how he was doing…funny stories…anything that I could tell him when I got home. Today at work we had the girls 1AA Individual Tennis Section Tournament. Jason’s tennis coach from his “glory days” at Red Wing High School was there…the legendary Tom Gillman. Coach always meant a lot to Jason. He and his wife Theresa came to our wedding. I remember when Anna was born and we were down in Red Wing visiting Jason’s Mom and Dad we called Coach so he could come over and see her. Jason played in tennis tournaments in Red Wing for years. We saw them several times in the 15 months that Jason was sick.
Today when I saw Coach at work all I could think was “I have to remember to tell Jason that I saw Gillman today when I get home”. And then I would catch myself and remember. Ripped my heart out every time.
This afternoon I published the page I had been working on title “Jason’s Glioblastoma Journey”. You can check it out if you’d like to know more about Jason’s diagnosis, the treatments that he had, etc. I couldn’t write about his last 6 days yet…so it’s a work in progress.
Gathering my thoughts for today…It’s Homecoming Week for Levi at school this week. Yesterday was College Day so he wore one of my UWEC sweatshirts that actually used to be Jason’s. Today he came upstairs and I asked him what the theme was for today. It was “Cancer Color” day…so he was wearing gray for brain cancer awareness. Tomorrow is Decade Day…he wants to wear Jason’s old tennis warmup from when he was in high school. So many feelings for me wrapped up in all of that…one of them anger that my kid even has a “cancer color” he wants to wear. When I was in high school I don’t think I knew a single person with cancer. He knows several that are very close to him, not even counting his Dad.
At work today someone came in that didn’t realize Jason had passed away. I hadn’t seen her since April. When I told her that he has been gone for 10 weeks today she said “well, at least he’s not suffering anymore”. I HATE it when people say that to me. I’ve tried to say it to myself a few times to make myself feel better and it just makes me feel awful. To me it’s like saying that Jason is somehow better off dead. Of course I don’t want him to be in pain, but I don’t think things are better in any way, shape, or form now.
On Wednesdays I have virtual group counseling. I was very skeptical of it at first…but it’s weird…now I look forward to it every week. It’s a great group of women all supporting each other where we’re at. Today, at the end of the 90 minutes the counselor said “you have to feel it to heal it”. I kind of thought it was cheesy when she said it and chuckled a little bit, but it has stuck with me for the few hours since. The “feeling” part has definitely been happening this week…maybe the “healing” won’t be far behind.
A lot of the “feeling” for me has come from working on a new page for this blog. I am going back in my memories and Jason’s Caring Bridge site and writing a page about Jason’s Glioblastoma Journey. Going through all of that is bringing up a lot of emotions…remembering how we were so hopeful in the beginning…and how that hope was slowly taken away…how I was trying so hard to just hold everything together and keep up a positive spirit when my world was falling apart before my very eyes…the love of my life slowly losing more and more of himself…me wanting to be able to do everything to take care of my family and take away their pain…and failing…so much hopelessness….helplessness…frustration.
The upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays keep getting mentioned this week as well….and I get teary-eyed every time. Honestly, if it were just me I would probably ignore them the best I could, but I know Jason would want the kids and I to celebrate…so not sure what we’re going to do yet…but it will be hard…always more hard.
Feeling all sorts of emotional tonight. Might just have to sit down and have a good cry. Really missing Jason and having a partner to share all the BS that life likes to throw at me all at once sometimes. Luckily, I have really good friends and family to help me and commiserate with me when the suck happens, but at the end of the day it is just me…making decisions, worrying, trying not to eff things up, worrying, making sure my kids are okay, worrying. Then I get myself so wound up and exhausted that everything seems ten times worst than it is…and my person who could unwind me is gone.
I feel whiney, pessimistic, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, stuck, etc…and I hate it….I hate feeling that way. I miss the days when I blissfully thought that bad things only happened to other people….those were good, ignorant, happy days. Now I feel like I’m just always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I hate that way of living.
My house doesn’t feel like home anymore…not without Jason. Everywhere I look he should be there. All of his things are still here…just waiting. Yesterday I thought maybe if I start going through his things…try to make the house more “me” instead of “us” it will feel better. I got as far as sitting on my bed with a garbage bag and then just sat there paralyzed….couldn’t do it. I know…I know…give myself grace and time. I’m trying. I just want him back.
Home
Rattling around the house
That used to be our home
Now it’s just all full of
Stuff
I can’t seem to let go.
Plastic tennis trophies collecting dust
I want to throw away
But then feel
Panic
They stay in boxes on the floor
Your nightstand is just how you left it
Empty Tums bottles
Kleenex box
Junk
I can’t throw in the trash.
So much stuff
I’m caught between
Wanting to let
Go
And holding on tight.
I look around and see you
Even though you’re gone
Our house still holds its shape for you
My heart
Not ready to move on.
I long to feel at home again
But my home was always you
These walls were just a container
Our love
Was the glue.
I will stay strong love on this Earth
Living this fake life
Until I find my
Home
On the other side.
I had a hard time falling asleep last night. Usually I write or read until my eyes can’t stay open and then I’m out. Staying asleep is usually the hard part. Last night I just lay there thinking about how much I miss hearing Jason say “I love you”. For almost 21 years of marriage those were the last words I heard every night before I went to sleep…and the last 15 months when his memory was untrustworthy he would sometimes say it more than once. He would say “I love you” and then “I can’t remember if I said it or not yet”. I would just tell him he could tell me a million times and I wouldn’t mind.
Sometimes when he was having a rough day he would follow-up his “I love you” with “Thank you for taking care of me”. To which I would respond “You don’t have to thank me for that. You would do the same for me”.
When he was first diagnosed he would get really frustrated with himself when he couldn’t remember things…details about his doctor appointments and such. I told him not to worry about all that…the only thing you need to remember is that I love you and the kids love you. That’s it. And you know what? He never did forget that. He couldn’t keep track of anything else…day of the week…plans for the day…whether he had eaten or showered on a particular day…but love…that he remembered.
Those three words are powerful…don’t forget to use them.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 