Missing the Happy Me

Feeling all sorts of emotional tonight. Might just have to sit down and have a good cry. Really missing Jason and having a partner to share all the BS that life likes to throw at me all at once sometimes. Luckily, I have really good friends and family to help me and commiserate with me when the suck happens, but at the end of the day it is just me…making decisions, worrying, trying not to eff things up, worrying, making sure my kids are okay, worrying. Then I get myself so wound up and exhausted that everything seems ten times worst than it is…and my person who could unwind me is gone.

I feel whiney, pessimistic, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, stuck, etc…and I hate it….I hate feeling that way. I miss the days when I blissfully thought that bad things only happened to other people….those were good, ignorant, happy days. Now I feel like I’m just always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I hate that way of living.

My house doesn’t feel like home anymore…not without Jason. Everywhere I look he should be there. All of his things are still here…just waiting. Yesterday I thought maybe if I start going through his things…try to make the house more “me” instead of “us” it will feel better. I got as far as sitting on my bed with a garbage bag and then just sat there paralyzed….couldn’t do it. I know…I know…give myself grace and time. I’m trying. I just want him back.

Home

Rattling around the house
That used to be our home
Now it’s just all full of
Stuff
I can’t seem to let go.

Plastic tennis trophies collecting dust
I want to throw away
But then feel
Panic
They stay in boxes on the floor

Your nightstand is just how you left it
Empty Tums bottles
Kleenex box
Junk
I can’t throw in the trash.

So much stuff
I’m caught between
Wanting to let
Go
And holding on tight.

I look around and see you
Even though you’re gone
Our house still holds its shape for you
My heart
Not ready to move on.

I long to feel at home again
But my home was always you
These walls were just a container
Our love
Was the glue.

I will stay strong love on this Earth
Living this fake life
Until I find my
Home
On the other side.

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