Feeling all sorts of emotional tonight. Might just have to sit down and have a good cry. Really missing Jason and having a partner to share all the BS that life likes to throw at me all at once sometimes. Luckily, I have really good friends and family to help me and commiserate with me when the suck happens, but at the end of the day it is just me…making decisions, worrying, trying not to eff things up, worrying, making sure my kids are okay, worrying. Then I get myself so wound up and exhausted that everything seems ten times worst than it is…and my person who could unwind me is gone.
I feel whiney, pessimistic, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, stuck, etc…and I hate it….I hate feeling that way. I miss the days when I blissfully thought that bad things only happened to other people….those were good, ignorant, happy days. Now I feel like I’m just always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I hate that way of living.
My house doesn’t feel like home anymore…not without Jason. Everywhere I look he should be there. All of his things are still here…just waiting. Yesterday I thought maybe if I start going through his things…try to make the house more “me” instead of “us” it will feel better. I got as far as sitting on my bed with a garbage bag and then just sat there paralyzed….couldn’t do it. I know…I know…give myself grace and time. I’m trying. I just want him back.
Home
Rattling around the house That used to be our home Now it’s just all full of Stuff I can’t seem to let go. Plastic tennis trophies collecting dust I want to throw away But then feel Panic They stay in boxes on the floor Your nightstand is just how you left it Empty Tums bottles Kleenex box Junk I can’t throw in the trash. So much stuff I’m caught between Wanting to let Go And holding on tight. I look around and see you Even though you’re gone Our house still holds its shape for you My heart Not ready to move on. I long to feel at home again But my home was always you These walls were just a container Our love Was the glue. I will stay strong love on this Earth Living this fake life Until I find my Home On the other side.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 