Gathering my thoughts for today…It’s Homecoming Week for Levi at school this week. Yesterday was College Day so he wore one of my UWEC sweatshirts that actually used to be Jason’s. Today he came upstairs and I asked him what the theme was for today. It was “Cancer Color” day…so he was wearing gray for brain cancer awareness. Tomorrow is Decade Day…he wants to wear Jason’s old tennis warmup from when he was in high school. So many feelings for me wrapped up in all of that…one of them anger that my kid even has a “cancer color” he wants to wear. When I was in high school I don’t think I knew a single person with cancer. He knows several that are very close to him, not even counting his Dad.
At work today someone came in that didn’t realize Jason had passed away. I hadn’t seen her since April. When I told her that he has been gone for 10 weeks today she said “well, at least he’s not suffering anymore”. I HATE it when people say that to me. I’ve tried to say it to myself a few times to make myself feel better and it just makes me feel awful. To me it’s like saying that Jason is somehow better off dead. Of course I don’t want him to be in pain, but I don’t think things are better in any way, shape, or form now.
On Wednesdays I have virtual group counseling. I was very skeptical of it at first…but it’s weird…now I look forward to it every week. It’s a great group of women all supporting each other where we’re at. Today, at the end of the 90 minutes the counselor said “you have to feel it to heal it”. I kind of thought it was cheesy when she said it and chuckled a little bit, but it has stuck with me for the few hours since. The “feeling” part has definitely been happening this week…maybe the “healing” won’t be far behind.
A lot of the “feeling” for me has come from working on a new page for this blog. I am going back in my memories and Jason’s Caring Bridge site and writing a page about Jason’s Glioblastoma Journey. Going through all of that is bringing up a lot of emotions…remembering how we were so hopeful in the beginning…and how that hope was slowly taken away…how I was trying so hard to just hold everything together and keep up a positive spirit when my world was falling apart before my very eyes…the love of my life slowly losing more and more of himself…me wanting to be able to do everything to take care of my family and take away their pain…and failing…so much hopelessness….helplessness…frustration.
The upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays keep getting mentioned this week as well….and I get teary-eyed every time. Honestly, if it were just me I would probably ignore them the best I could, but I know Jason would want the kids and I to celebrate…so not sure what we’re going to do yet…but it will be hard…always more hard.