Tag: mourning

Vehicle Anxiety

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Another sleepless night last night. So many worries…anxiety…decisions. Without Jason to talk with and ease them…unravel me…bring me down when I get so worked up…everything compounds. This week it’s my kids’ vehicles. I worry about them driving in the winter weather. Where before I had some trust…some faith…that they would be okay…now I know the bad things that can happen to good people…and I am sick with anxiety every time they drive in weather. It’s supposed to snow all day today. Anna was supposed to have the day off, but her boss switched her schedule so now she’s working…and I’m worried.

Obviously, living in MN just not driving every time it snows is not reasonable, so I’m looking into trading in Jason’s car and Anna’s car for vehicles with AWD. Normally, not hard to do, but as everyone knows there’s a shortage of cars out there right now. Of course there is. And trading in Jason’s car comes with it’s own set of emotions…not only for me, but for the kids…I haven’t discussed it with them yet…ugh.

And then to compound the car situation Anna got pulled over last night on her way home from work. Literally the same situation as when I got pulled over. Officer came to the window and said “I see you’re not Jason. You’re free to go”. I’m glad that they are doing their jobs…trying to keep drivers with revoked licenses off the road…but ooofff. I’m just glad that it had happened to me first so that she knew what was happening. She took it a lot better than I did.

Better pour another cup of coffee and get ready for work.

Trail of Grief

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Horrible day today. Lots of tears. Took a shower just so I could sob my heart out. I don’t even want to listen to music today. Talked to a friend which helped for a bit. Forced myself to get out and take the dogs for a walk. Mostly just sat on the couch drinking wine, writing, and crying my way through the Harry Potter movies.

Trail of Grief

Sometimes grief is like
Navigating 
A trail in a jungle.

The trees are so thick
Overhead
That it is always dark.

Around every corner is a
Peril
Ready to strike.

Everyone’s grief is
Different-
So is everyone’s trail.

The trail must be traveled
Alone-
Although others may briefly join

To shine their lights of
Hope
In the darkness.

To provide momentary
Companionship
On the dark and lonely trail.

To offer support in the
Battles
Against the many hazards.

To offer advice at the
Crossroads
When the trail splits.

But ultimately all decisions are made
Alone
By the weary traveler.

There are patches of
Quicksand
Sporadically on the route.

They threaten to pull the traveler
Under
With grief all-consuming.

The traveler must quickly
Learn
Who to call for assistance.

There those who will enter the trail and
Throw
Out a vine without hesitation.

But there are also those who are
Scared
Of the trail and the darkness-

They might want to
Assist
But they don’t know what to do.

When it is time for the weary traveler to
Sleep
The loneliness becomes suffocating.

The traveler wonders
Why
This trail was given.

The traveler questions
How
The end will be reached.

The traveler tries not to run out of
Hope
For a better future-

But how could the future be
Better
Than the past?

Maybe the best days are
Over
And this trail is all that’s left.
Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

Merry Christmas

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today we made the best of our first Christmas without Jason. This morning was very rough on me when I was alone in a quiet house…the kids still sleeping. Usually Jason and I would have enjoyed the lazy morning together before working together to get brunch made. Today it was just me and my memories and my tears.

Once the kids got up and Jeremy and Cheryl came over for brunch I had worked through some of my tears and sadness. We enjoyed brunch together…opened gifts…played some games. Traditionally, this is how we usually spend Christmas. We usually just relax…do whatever we feel like doing…just enjoy time together as a family.

This year we decided to go down to Red Wing to Jason’s parent’s house in the afternoon and spend some time with them. Normally, they would have everyone to their house on New Year’s Day to celebrate Christmas, but because of Covid those plans are cancelled this year. It felt really good to see them today. I always feel closer to Jason when I’m around his family that’s missing him too.

Merry Christmas to you and your families.

Christmas Eve

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My Christmas Eve got better as the day went on. Cheryl and I went to to church this morning. The service was beautiful at River Valley and did a lot to lift my spirits…even though I was choked up many times and teary. Their music ministry is especially powerful there which I really appreciate. You may have guessed through my posts that music is important to me. Why is it that music can say so much more than just words alone??

When I got home Levi was ready to help me tackle prep for Christmas Eve fondue and Christmas brunch. He helped me get everything cut up and the Danish rolls baked. Then he and Seth hung out with me in the afternoon and we watched a few Christmas movies until Anna came home from work.

Fondue Christmas Eve is a Fregien family tradition. I don’t think I had ever even heard of fondue before I met Jason. When we decided to adopt that tradition as well our kids embraced it wholeheartedly and love it so much that they usually want to do it for New Years Eve as well. Twice in one week gets to be a little much for me, but they love it…so…we do it.

After dinner we opened gifts. My kids made me cry when they gave me this mug. It has probably 15ish pictures of Jason and I on it.

As teenagers they can be rather stoic a lot of the time, but I know when they are especially quiet or cranky that those are the times that they are really just missing their Dad. And they know how much I miss him too…and put up with me when I get teary and sad.

After opening gifts we played Phase 10 together and I had an Old-Fashioned in memory of Jason in his tennis glass…with bourbon…not brandy as all my Wisconsin friends and family have them…lol

And now…I’m tired…I miss Jason…but I also feel like the kids and I did okay tonight. We smiled…and laughed…and had some tears (mostly mine)…but we did it.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Eve Morning

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I have a list of things to do today to get ready for dinner tonight (fondue with the kids) and brunch tomorrow, but instead I’m sitting on the couch feeling lonely and weepy. Jason and I always made a good team on Christmas Eve. He knew doing all the putzy kitchen stuff stressed me out so he would pour me wine and help with everything. He would usually take charge of cutting everything up for fondue while I would do the baking. He was also the pro at putting together the Overnight French Toast for Christmas brunch. Inevitably, I would have forgotten to get something from the grocery store and he would get in the car and fight the crowds without complaint to get the forgotten item…plus usually a few other things he found…because that’s the way Fregien men roll. If I forgot anything in my grocery order yesterday that’s just too bad…we’re going to have to make do without.

Thank you to everyone that is keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas. I did have several special deliveries to my door yesterday that made me smile and reminded me that even though “my person” is no longer here, I still do have “my people”.

Blue Christmas

The spirit of Christmas fills the air
I used to feel it too
Now all I feel is empty inside
No joy in my heart without you.

I’m going through the motions
Putting up the tree
Buying gifts and baking
Missing you here with me.

Grief is my constant companion now
Sadness overflows my eyes
Everywhere I look reminds me
Of our last goodbyes.

Empty spaces everywhere
That used to be filled with you
Now your ghost is all we have
Christmas not white, but blue.

The kids and I will do our best
Keeping alive tradition
But every second of the Holiday
It will be you we’re missing.
Candles Lit in Jason’s Memory at the Empty Chair Service

My Car is Mine!

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Well, I thought I was going to have a semi-relaxing “me” day today…laze around the house…not get dressed…that sort of thing…so. very. wrong. Instead I spent hours at the Honda dealership finalizing my “divorce” with US Bank. After multiple phone calls with them in the past month…dealing with the hassle of even getting them to talk to me…having them turn off my auto pay without telling me…I finally thought I had it resolved…my payments set up to keep paying the lease every month until it ends in September. Nope, today they called me and told me continuing the lease is not an option since it’s in Jason’s name. I either need to turn the car in or pay it off. What?! Why was I not told this before by any of the other people I have talked to in the last month??

I got off the phone and just broke down. I knew that I needed to get my car taken care of TODAY for my mental health and that I had reached my mental and emotional capacity to deal with it by myself…so I called in backup…aka Jeremy. Cheryl let me steal him for the afternoon so he could go sit at the car dealership with me and get my car taken care of. It took hours and the guy at the dealership having to talk to THREE separate people at US Bank to even get the payoff quote…but I now own my car IN MY NAME…and don’t have to deal with those US Bank f’ers anymore. Merry Christmas to me. Given a choice I will NEVER finance anything through them again.

I’m grateful to Jeremy and Cheryl today for being there when I needed them during this busy time of year. Most things I can deal with by myself…and really need to just to prove to myself I’m capable…but I guess there is strength in realizing there’s also a time when it’s okay to call in “backup” even if all the “backup” does is sit next to me while I write out a big check 🙂

GLOW Fest

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I took a mental health day off of work today. Yesterday, was a better day at work than Tuesday was, but when I decided to take today off I felt like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I think yesterday was emotionally draining for me more than anything. The Club is busy…lots of people with family in from out of town…kids home from college…kids off school…the Christmas buzz is in the air…and I really just want to pull what’s left of my family in close and not leave the house for a few days. I don’t begrudge anyone their Christmas Spirit…this used to be my favorite time of year…but that’s just not the place I’m at now.

Last night the kids and I went with Jeremy and Cheryl and their family to the GLOW fest at the State Fair Grounds. If you live in the area I highly recommend it. The tickets are a little spendy, but if you are looking for something a little special to do I think it’s worth it. I’m really glad that we went. I think we needed a little Forced Fregien Family Fun. Being without Jason at things like that is really hard though…and something I’m not sure I will ever get used to…or that will ever get easier. I wanted him beside me so I could hold onto his elbow as we strolled along in the lights. We would have taken selfies. He would have gotten hot chocolate while I really enjoyed the mulled wine. I would have nuzzled my nose into his neck when it got cold. Instead I was watching the kids…happy that they seemed to be having a good time…wiping tears from my cheeks before they froze.

Terrible Tuesday

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Not a good day today. Personal stress and work stress all converging into a silent scream. Some days I feel like stress and grief are turning me into a person I don’t even like very much and I really hate that. Recently someone actually told me that I “don’t have a sense of humor” which is pretty close to the worst insult I can think of. I used to have a great sense of humor. I would laugh hysterically at the littlest things. Jason would say “You really crack yourself up don’t you?”. To which I would reply “Well, you married me for my sense of humor didn’t you?” Real laughter is a lot harder these days.

I had dinner plans with Terri after work today. She helped me decompress quite a bit before I came home, but I still feel like there is a huge stress ball in my gut, my nerves are stretched to their breaking point, and my jaw hurts from constantly clenching it. The kids all had plans tonight. Anna’s at a friend’s house and the boys are playing tennis. I’m glad because I am no good for anyone tonight.

2017

Cookies

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I’m trying really hard to get in the Christmas spirit. Yesterday, Anna and I made Chex mix…definitely a holiday staple in our house. Today, my sister came over for the afternoon and her, Anna, and I made some cookies. I made sure we made Peanut Blossoms because they are Jason’s favorite.

I’m trying…but it’s hard. Again, if it weren’t for my kids, I wouldn’t be doing Christmas anything….but I want them to be happy…so I’m trying.

I’m not looking forward to this week at work at all. All the people asking if I’m ready for Christmas. My response has become “as ready as I’m going to get”. I just want to hide for the next two weeks and venture out again in January.

This right here is the only good things about the Holidays for me this year…all my chicks in my nest…plus an extra just for breakfast 🙂

Christmas Party

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This morning I am exhausted….and maybe a titch hungover…but I’m grinning ear to ear as I’m sipping coffee out of my new red Santa mug.

My Baby Girl is on her way home from school this morning. She made a point to leave early enough to be home in time to go out to Saturday breakfast with the boys and I. We all love our new Saturday breakfast tradition. Once she is here I think she’ll help me get a little more Christmas spirit going in the house.

Last night my grief counseling group met for a Christmas party at my friend Terri’s house. Oh my goodness! It was so much fun! It was almost 3am when I got home. In a lot of ways we are the oddest mix of women. And it’s so strange to me how quickly we have become so close…and also that I have all of these really good friends that Jason has never met…yet he was the one that brought us together. We just all take emotions as they come. We laugh. We cry. We listen to each others stories and get to know each other’s loved ones through them. We all understand the need to talk about our people…to keep them alive through memories and stories….to say their names often.

I have a lot of hope for a good day today.