Tag: grief

I’ve been quiet this week I know….pulling into myself. Spinning in my head instead of processing through writing. Part of it is that I started dragging myself out of bed early in the mornings and getting a workout in before I go to work. By the time 8pm rolls around I am fighting to keep my eyes open, but I do feel better throughout the day…especially since I have been working on eating healthier as well. Trying to take control over some aspect of my life when everything else feels out of control. Unfortunately, getting tired earlier in the evening has not translated to sleeping better at night.

I’ve been trying to get in to see a counselor. My grief group has been great, but I’m feeling like I could use something more than that. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any success in getting an appointment. The first place I called never got back to me and the second place said they aren’t accepting new patients right now. Super frustrating….and really hard to keep myself making those calls…just another item on the list of “Shit I Don’t Want to Do”.

Levi and I got to have dinner with Anna and her friend Olivia tonight. Their band is touring this week…playing at a few high schools in the Twin Cities area. I picked them up from their hotel and took them to Red Robin. Olivia is from a really small town in Wisconsin and was excited to go there. It was nice getting to see Anna. She has Spring Break in a few weeks and will be home again.

Tomorrow I get to pick up my ring from the jeweler. I am looking forward to having it back on my finger!

Ugh…my workout backfired on me today. I did some intervals on my treadmill and then even gloved up and hit the bag for awhile…like 5 minutes…cuz holy shit I’m out of shape…but I was trying to find my inner bad ass again. I was all sweaty and red-faced enjoying my exercise endorphins and then went upstairs and for half a second was expecting Jason to be up there. And of course he wasn’t and suddenly I’m sitting on the floor crying with the dogs all over me trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with their Mom now.

Jason and I had this banter we would have done. I would have come upstairs. He would have said, “Have a good workout Babe?”. I would’ve said yes and then tried to get close to him and give him a kiss. At which point he would tell me how sweaty and stinky I was and I would say, “But sweat is sexy”. I always thought he was sexy when he was out sweating on the tennis court after all!

Levi and I are gong out for breakfast today. Hopefully that will pick my mood back up a bit again.

I’m still smiling today…even though I had a really long day at work. Work friends and member friends stopped by to chat with me today and see my tattoo. Every time I look down it makes me teary and also brightens my day at the same time. It doesn’t feel great when my sleeve rubs it, but other than that it doesn’t hurt and looks great.

My brain has been replaying good memories for me instead of the “hospice days loop”…such a relief…too many days of that and I felt like I was standing on the rim of a very black hole…and jumping in was not as scary as it should have been. The black hole is very much still there, but I don’t feel like I’m flirting with the edge quite so much.

Today I was thinking about the only time in our 25 years together that Jason and I really ever spent any time apart. It was the summer in between our Sophomore and Junior years of college. Jason had a temp job in Red Wing working at a factory cutting up fruits and vegetables. It was a miserable job…like 40 degrees in there…he had to dress warm…boots and everything that summer. I was working at Menards in Wausau and only had every other weekend off. So we took turns visiting each other every other weekend. Those two weeks in between sure were long. We spent a lot of time at night after our families went to bed meeting in chat rooms using good ole dial-up internet.

That was the summer the movie “Armageddon” came out. One of the weekends that Jason came to visit me he bought the soundtrack of that movie for me. In fact, I just found it in our basement the other day…one of the few CD’s we had saved. Our wedding song “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith was from that movie. And that was also the song that we danced to for the last time at Jeremy and Cheryl’s wedding 11 days before he died. Memories I don’t ever want to forget.

Tonight I’m truly smiling more than I have for a long while. I worked until Noon today and then ran some “errands”. First, I went to the UPS Store to get a beneficiary form notarized and overnighted to Vanguard. The first step in getting Jason’s 401k transferred over to me. This is the last of the “big accounts” I need to take care of. Yes, there are still things in his name…but this is the last big piece that really matters. After this is complete I can sit down with my finance guy and look at things “big picture” and secure my financial future. Not real fun stuff…at least for me…but it is certainly peace of mind.

Second…you may remember that months back I snagged the solitaire on my wedding ring on something…the diamond fell out…panic ensued…and thankfully I ended up finding it in my car. Since then I have been wearing Jason’s wedding band. Today, I went to a local jeweler thinking that I would talk to somebody about designing a new ring out of the two bands together. Well, I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I thought about changing my ring and decided to just get it fixed…because when it comes down to it what I really want is to wear MY ring again…the one BOTH of us picked out. So next week my ring should be ready for me to wear again. They are going to put a completely new crown on it and set it a bit lower so that it doesn’t stick up so much and snag everything…but I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I feel to know that it will soon be back on my finger where it belongs.

Third…I got a tattoo. Since Jason passed I have had the idea in my head that I wanted to get his handwriting on my forearm…where all I have to do is look down and know that I am still loved by him forever. It’s my first tattoo, so it took me a bit to get up the nerve…but damn…I love it so much. Arthur, the tattoo artist, was so nice and kind. He was covered in a zillion and one tattoos, but this guy cares so much about his craft and was 100% dedicated to making sure my tattoo is exactly how I want it…from the size to the exact spot it is on my arm. He chatted with me and let me talk about Jason….completely listening…not prying at all…just letting me know he cared about my story and what this tattoo means to me. I got all teary is his chair and he just let me be and was just so kind. Jason is not a fan of tattoos, but I feel like he’s okay with this one.

To top off my day I had dinner with two of my really good widow friends. We were all smiling and laughing so hard together. And it just felt GOOD. We talk so much about our husbands that I feel like I know theirs and I’m sure they feel like they know my Jason. My friendship with them has truly been a light in the darkness these past 7 months.

Hopefully, my smiles will bring me a peaceful night’s sleep and will continue into my day tomorrow.

Teary day today. Didn’t sleep again. I couldn’t even hang out with Levi tonight, which makes me feel bad. I just spent the evening alone trying to get a handle on myself somehow. This Friday will be 7 months. Why those anniversaries seem to be hitting me hard I’m not really sure. Maybe because I feel like I’m getting pulled further and further away from Jason…and I don’t want to be. I want to be back in his arms…instead of forward into a future without him.

This song has been on repeat a lot for me lately..

In my post on Saturday I shared that I had woken up thinking about Jason’s last five days. The ones that he spent in hospice care at home. Those days have not stopped replaying in my head over and over again. I’ll be at work and suddenly thinking “Oh my God I don’t remember what the last thing he said to me was”. What kind of person am I that I can’t remember that? What was the last thing I said to him? I don’t know.

I haven’t been sleeping well. My focus is all off. I’m trying to re-discover my motivation to do anything in my house….which…other than the basement…is a huge disaster. I can’t even park in the garage. I had a meeting scheduled with my finance guy that I cancelled. We have a huge event at work for the next four days. I feel like I should offer to work a little bit on Saturday and Sunday if needed…and I just can’t do it. I always work a shorter day on Wednesdays. I got in my car today after work and just couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. I don’t even really know why I was crying.

I had my grief counseling group today and the therapist said that I have PTSD. Which I guess makes sense. I just know I don’t feel “okay”. Most of the time I don’t even feel like I’m in my own body. I’m just watching myself go through the motions. Until I’m at home by myself crying into my wine glass.

Last night I had a dream that Jason and I were spending a weekend away at a VRBO. He took my hand and led me into the bathroom where he had filled the bathtub up for me…bubbles and everything. Of course, my thought in the dream was “I wonder if the tub is big enough for two?”….or maybe he’s just trying to tell me I need to relax and chill the eff out…or maybe he’s not telling me anything and it was just a stupid dream.