Painting

The last few days have been a little better for me. I met a really good friend for dinner on Thursday. We have been friends for over 20 years and she is one of a select handful of people that I can talk to “undiluted”. I cried and felt pretty raw a few times, but just being able to talk openly and feel HEARD was something that I desperately needed…this week especially.

Levi and I decided to tackle the painting of our living room this weekend. We enlisted our friends Erik and Edith to help today. Last night Levi and I worked on prep…getting the room cleaned out…taking off receptacle covers. The painting went really well today and we’re happy with how it turned out. I have never painted before. Painting was always Jason’s realm while I entertained the kids. Sometimes Jeremy would come over and help him. It does feel good to do projects around the house with Levi. I think it gives both of our brains something else to think about and helps us bond.

I still haven’t been sleeping well. Last night I think one of the dogs was snoring and in my sleep it sounded like Jason’s last breaths. Horrible…so horrible…and very hard to calm myself down and go back to sleep after that. I had to get my phone out and scroll through pictures of happier times to get my brain out of it’s “hospice loop”. It’s scary feeling hijacked by my own thoughts and memories at times when I can’t or don’t want to deal with them.

Pain of Memory

Salt flavors my wine
As tears run down my face.
I take a sip anyway
Anything to ease this ache.

I can’t stop replaying
Those days in my head-
Watching you dying
Gasping for breath in that bed.

Those days haunt my dreams-
Asleep and awake-
The memories hurt
How much more can I take?

But do I want to forget?
That scares me too
Because if I forget
What is left of you?

So I try to take the pain
Welcome it in
Until I’m drowning in tears
That won’t stop flowing.
2002

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