I didn’t sleep well last night…nothing new there. When I did sleep I had a lot of disjointed dreams with Jason in them that were very hard to shake this morning…and are honestly still lingering. Sometimes I have dreams of him where I swear I am awake and can physically feel him next to me…those are awesome and comforting. I don’t know what last night was, but it wasn’t like that…and just left me feeling shaken.
Levi had an all day chess tournament today and a birthday party to go to tonight. It’s the first day that I have had to myself in…ummm…no idea how long. Maybe since the end of September when I went to Alexandria? I was kind of looking forward to it and then realized quite quickly this morning that mentally and emotionally being alone all day today was not going to be good for me. Luckily, I was able to have lunch with my friend Katie today. That kept me on an even keel.
I did work out this morning for the first time in a very long time. It took me awhile to find my Workout playlist on Spotify…it was buried so deep. It felt odd to be listening to Post Malone, P!nk, and Pitbull. Instead of my usual lineup of Keith Urban, Ben Platt, Andy Grammar, etc…that have been more fitting to my mood. The workout felt good…like I had a little bit of my old spark back for a bit.
Otherwise it has been kind of an introspective day today. Yesterday, was the 7 month anniversary of Jason’s death. Do I feel like I’m doing better? I guess it depends what you mean by that. Levi and I have our routines established. I’m able to function…go to work…take care of the house…go out with friends. From the outside I’m sure some would say it looks like I’m doing okay. That’s just the surface. Inside is where the Black Hole lives. The space that used to be filled with Jason and his light. The Black Hole has zero interest in this life. The Black Hole wants me to just get in my car and keep driving and never come back. The Black Hole is disappointed every time I wake up and have to face another fucking day. The Black Hole won’t let me ever be perfectly happy ever again. The Black Hole is so fucking angry and wants to rage and scream about the unfairness of life. I love our kids too much to let the Black Hole win the war…but sometimes it does win the battle. Maybe those battles will start getting easier…doesn’t feel like it yet.
I wrote a poem about my tattoo this morning while I was drinking my coffee…
Love Always, Jason I tattooed your name on my arm today Your permanent mark on my body For everyone to see But mostly me. Your handwriting from a Mother’s Day card I found stashed in my nightstand drawer From years gone past Now will always last. A thousand times a day as I use my arm Love always, Jason Your words flash past my eyes Keeping me grounded while you’re in the skies. You promised you would stay with me Grow old and wrinkly together Now you’re gone and I wish I could follow But I’m stuck until a far away tomorrow Love always, Jason My husband, my love They call me widow, but I say wife Our love didn’t end with your life.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 