The missing him never lessens. Just this today.
The Core I’m flaking off in pieces Into space Losing myself Little by little Layer by layer Like an onion Or a villain Defeated by the hero I’m flaking off in pieces My hero would wrap his arms Around me tight Like a vise Until every atom of my body Felt secure And loved A beautiful, cherished whole I’m flaking off in pieces What will be left At the core?
Valentine’s Day…definitely not anywhere on my list of favorite days anymore. Jason was always good at Valentine’s Day. He didn’t always do the same thing, but always something. A card…flowers…chocolates…balloons. I think it all depended on whether he was shopping for me solo, or whether he took the kids along to help. I remember one year they were really into those cards that play music when you open them. That was a fun…and noisy year! Once the kids were old enough to stay home alone we would sometimes go out for dinner, but most often wait until later in the evening and go out for a drink and dessert. Always to Portercreek. It was “our spot”. Probably won’t ever go there again. Some places just feel too full of memories that I don’t want to “cover up” by going there again.
Spaces and places. I’ve been learning about myself more and more that I put a lot of emotional value on spaces and places. Portercreek…where we went for drinks. Osaka…hibachi on my birthday. Ruttgers…family vacation. Cabin on Geneva Lake…our last anniversary together. My gazebo…peace in nature. Purple chair in my room…reading. The past week I have been working on another space….my writing space. This space started with a desk I fell in love with on Etsy…and now has been transformed into the perfect place that I can sit and write…looking out the window at my gazebo and bird feeders….usually with the dogs laying on the rug next to me or on my bed. It’s not a desk for collecting mail or stuff I have to get done…it’s a space for letting my mind go…for feeling and creating. It’s the place I dream about being when I am at work.
So…back to today being Valentine’s Day. I made it through. I got a cookie from one of my co-worker friends…I adore her…she brings a smile to my face every day. A few people said “Happy Valentine’s Day” to me…which was fine…but I didn’t have to endure any of the awkward “do you have plans for tonight?” conversations. And the best…when I got home…there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting for me from my kiddos. Their Dad taught them well. And now I get to sit and write at my beautiful desk…glass of wine in hand…looking at my gorgeous flowers from the best three things my husband ever gave to me…our kids.
As Taylor Swift would say “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”. I haven’t written anything in about a month now. I “write” a lot in my head, but just haven’t put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. I couldn’t really figure out why until today…and then it came to me…kinda in a dream. It’s because I have been feeling like a complete failure. My last post I was writing about “Intention” and “Fulfillment” and I’ve put so much pressure on myself to “succeed” in those things that I have worked myself up into a stressed out ball of misery. And without my person here to help me work myself out and help me focus I just kept winding myself up tighter and tighter.
And then last night I got up to let the dogs outside at 3am and I was having a really hard time falling back to sleep…I made the mistake of looking at my phone…my brain woke up just a little too much…and I was laying there at 3am despairing over life…feeling like it will never get better. And then I finally dozed off and I had a dream about Jason.
Dream I had a dream last night Last night I had a dream You were there Your lips on mine My hands on your cheeks I can still feel your whiskers On my palms Trying to keep you Even though I knew It was impossible Even in my dream Last night I had a dream
And as the day went by today I started to see more clearly all the stress that I have been putting on myself…really unnecessarily. So…next tactic…find the things over which I have control and make small changes where I can. And continue to look for fulfillment in the things that make me happy…building relationships with family and friends, writing, listening to music, our kids, plans for my yard once the snow melts. At some point the “surviving” has to start feeling like “living” right?
Fun with my Sister-in-Laws!
Nine days in to 2023 already and this is my first blog post. My first day of 2023 started out really well with Fregien Family Christmas. It was a really good day…even though there were a lot of teary moments for me. I love being around Jason’s family because they accept me when I am sad and give me a lot of hugs. Nobody tries to “fix” me…or even cheer me up necessarily…and I love that. I know there are a lot of widows who don’t have the great relationship with their in-laws that I have and I am so grateful for mine.
Here’s a pic of Levi and Svea with by one of my brother-in-law’s dogs for cuteness.
And then I got a cold and still am not feeling 100%. I was able to take some time off work…but there was also a huge snowstorm (12″+ of snow) and I had to get Anna off on her big band trip…so it still felt like a really busy, tiring week.
I did do a lot of reflecting and writing. I decided that there are two words that I want to carry with me this year. The first is “Intention”. The past two years my life has felt out of my control…like I didn’t have any control over what was happening to me. Well, it’s time to start taking my power over my own life back and making intentional choices. The second is “Fulfillment”. I need to discover what things I can do to help my life feel like it is worth living again…not just for my kids…but for me…because it doesn’t feel like it is right now. And that feeling really sucks.
And of course, I wrote a couple poems.
Letting Go
In his last days I whispered in his ear You can leave this suffering Your time is over here I know he didn’t want to And I wanted to hold tight But I had to let him go Let him end his fight And since that August morning When he took his last breath I’ve let go of so many things I wonder what is left Growing old and wrinkly Traveling to exotic places Watching our kids grow up Smiling into our grandkids faces Letting go of that bright future Of him and I together Now ahead is dark and nebulous I’m afloat without my tether Where before I was a wife Now a widow I am called How to let go of an identity When forever is what I vowed And all of this letting go It makes me so angry inside But I have to let that go too It doesn’t fix the hurt–I’ve tried Letting go is not forgetting Don’t make that mistake Our love and all our memories Are way too precious to forsake Letting go is not easy Some days I miserably fail But it’s the only way I’ll survive Until we meet across the veil
How?
And sometimes loneliness Sucks the air out of the room And I feel like I’m being Crushed Suffocating Drowning In the impossibility of Surviving One more second Without you And I yearn to share One more breath with you Look into your eyes once more Kiss Touch Whisper But reality is harsh Unyielding And time goes on Somehow
I used to love the week in between Christmas and New Years. Jason always had off from work…and the years when I had jobs outside the home I would try to take off as much as I could. It was fantastic. We looking forward to it every year. We never really did anything huge. Sometimes we would spend part of the time at my parents’ house. The week culminated with Fregien Family Christmas on New Years Day at Jason’s parents’ house in Red Wing.
This year…ugh…it was hands down the worst week for me of the whole year. It was the busiest it has ever been in my five years at Life Time. Lots of families off for the week…just like we used to be…looking for something to do together. That combined with coworkers taking off and I barely had moments to breathe most days. And of course it’s end of the month…end of session for junior classes…start of new session next week. Just a bad work week. And I was dealing with getting Seth’s car fixed…four new tires now…and Levi played in a tennis tournament 30 minutes away. Thank goodness I had help getting him there because I just couldn’t. I made it to as many matches as I could, but of course still feel Mom guilt for not being there for them all.
And maybe I’m just feeling whiney and sorry for myself, but damn…it’s really hard not to look back and remember how much I used to love this week…and then compare it to the week I just had…and not want to sit down and sob. How did I go from being part of one of those “families spending time together” to now…where I feel like I helped other families get their time together, but had no time of my own? It’s so hard not to think “If Jason were here…” and how much different this week would have looked and felt. I might have still worked just as much, but he would have been there for all the other “stuff” and we would have rocked the “busy” together.
So…last day of 2022 today. Tomorrow the kids and I will go to Fregien Family Christmas…the first one since pre-covid…first one without Jason…first one that Jason’s brother is hosting instead of his parents. So many changes.
Jason and I loved Christmas. We loved melding our families’ traditions together and developing our own…working together to make the season magical for our kids. We enjoyed finding the perfect gifts for family and friends. He especially loved buying for the kids. He was the one on his computer on Black Friday and Cyber Monday looking for the best deals. He would always take the kids out shopping to find something for me…and he would always ask for slippers from the kids….always the same style. He knew that I hate wrapping gifts, so he would do it…sometimes getting Anna to help him. He would put everything in boxes and she would do the wrapping. One year they decided not to put any names on the presents, just numbers. It drove the boys crazy not knowing which gifts were theirs. One year he surprised me and came home from work early just so he could wrap all the gifts.
Usually by Christmas Eve morning I would be feeling stressed with all the things on my “To Do” list. We always fondue on Christmas Eve which means a fair amount of cutting various foods in bite-sized pieces. And we do brunch on Christmas Day…some of that needs to be prepped the day before as well. And I like to have a clean house Christmas Eve. It’s hard to relax in a mess. He could always see me starting to get wound up…and I can hear him saying “Babe, what’s on the list?”…and he would just start helping me cross things off. Inevitably I would have forgotten something at the grocery store…I would say “forget it. Not going to the store today” but he would hop in the car and fight the crazy to get the forgotten item. And always interspersed with all of that…so much love and affection for me…a hug…a swat on the butt…a kiss on my neck. To say that I “miss” that is not nearly strong enough.
And then interspersed in the joyful noise of Christmas…unwrapping gifts, games, laughter…looking across a room and catching his eye…enjoying the joy and happiness of our kids together. Then those magical, quiet moments after the kids had gone to bed…or before they got up in the morning…just him and I. Remembering those moments…more than anything…is what has taken me apart several times today. Just to share one more quiet moment with him…just to look in his eyes one more time…
But now Christmas is different. On the surface we do a lot of the same things…fondue and gifts Christmas Eve…brunch Christmas morning. Instead of Jason helping me with my list yesterday, it was the kids. Levi and I worked on wrapping gifts. I celebrated when I found a bag of giftbags Jason had stashed downstairs. He also helped cut up all the stuff for fondue. And all three of them helped prep brunch. We made it. We did it.
Christmas Christmas morning All is quiet A mug of coffee Dogs snuggling next to me Their bodies like furry heaters Outside the world is blanketed In Snow White and fluffy The sun is peeking over the horizon Treetops interlaced with pinks and oranges Kids will soon stumble out of bed Christmas hubbub Now I breathe in the silence Trying to find peace in my heart But my heart is in pieces And the tears roll down my cheeks
Last week I went to the Empty Chair Service at River Valley Church. I went last year as well and honestly don’t remember much of it except for crying a lot and lighting candles. This year there was still some crying and I did light a candle, but I was also able to take a lot more in and listen more…not only to the pastor, but to my own heart. One of the things that I have been thinking about is hope…
What is Hope?
The whisper of a promise
The spark that becomes an ember
The nudge that moves you forward
Sometimes
Painstakingly
Slowly
Fighting tooth and nail against
The torrent holding you back
Keeping you paralyzed
Pain
Doubt
Anger
.
The night becomes darker
A bitter cold seeps into your bones
Your future unfathomable
Lonely
Dreary
Dark
But in that dark, cold stillness
When it seems like there is nothing left
Your senses take over
A whisper
A warmth
A tug
And that is Hope
Levi had an assignment this week to write a poem about a picture of him with another person. He chose this picture of him with his Dad. I helped him write the poem…so hard to not just sit and cry, but I did okay. I’m glad that he wanted to use this particular picture because it is such a great memory of our last time up at Ruttgers. Jason was holding my pole while I was putting a worm on for Anna and all of a sudden he had a fish on. If Levi wouldn’t have been there to help him reel it in I think I would have lost my pole to the lake.
Northern Memory Sitting on the dock with my Dad He's holding my Mom's pole Suddenly Fish On! Excitement like a kid on Christmas morning A splash of slippers The fish fights angrily Slippery like an eel I can still feel the sun on my face And the aroma of fish and worms I wish I could go back to Sitting on the dock with my Dad.
Last night I had drinks with a really good friend of ours. He is divorced and we talk about all sorts of things when we hang out. Last night we started talking about making dinner. I was sharing with him that I have always been the one to make dinner. I never really liked it…I don’t really like cooking…but it was one of the things that I have always done for our family…especially during those years when I was home with the kids during the day and Jason was at work. Now it is just a chore. I make dinner by myself. The kids come up and eat for five minutes…if I’m lucky…and then bounce their separate ways and leave me to do the dishes by myself. I know I could get them to help me…get them to sit with me more…yada yada…but it just all feels forced. Like it’s a time when we all feel the absence of Jason so keenly and we just want to get it f’ing over with.
I think that conversation must have been stewing in my head last night because I bounced out of bed this morning and jotted this down…
I used to like dinnertime. Making dinner Waiting for you to come home Listening For your car Garage door up Car door slam The yip of happy dogs. You open the doors Your eyes search for me Settle the dogs down Make your way to my side Wrap your arms around my body Kiss my lips Home at last I used to like dinnertime. Refill the wine Call the kids to the table Laughter Stories of the day Secret looks across the table Proud of these humans Our family Dinner’s over Kids go their ways Peace Sharing tasks As we clean the kitchen A dance Together I used to like dinnertime
And what if there is no light Without you? What if you were the light And now darkness Is all that’s left? And what if there is no happiness Without you? What if you were the joy And overwhelming despair Is all that’s left? And what if I am never complete Without you? What if you were the best parts And this hollow shell Is all that’s left? And what if I never feel peace again Without you? What if you were my calm And chaos Is all that’s left? And what if I can’t be strong Without you? What if you gave me confidence And weakness Is all that’s left? And what if I am lost Without you? What if you were my compass And confusion Is all that’s left? And what if I have to survive Without you? What if you made life worth living And loneliness Is all that’s left? What if?
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 