As Taylor Swift would say “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”. I haven’t written anything in about a month now. I “write” a lot in my head, but just haven’t put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. I couldn’t really figure out why until today…and then it came to me…kinda in a dream. It’s because I have been feeling like a complete failure. My last post I was writing about “Intention” and “Fulfillment” and I’ve put so much pressure on myself to “succeed” in those things that I have worked myself up into a stressed out ball of misery. And without my person here to help me work myself out and help me focus I just kept winding myself up tighter and tighter.
And then last night I got up to let the dogs outside at 3am and I was having a really hard time falling back to sleep…I made the mistake of looking at my phone…my brain woke up just a little too much…and I was laying there at 3am despairing over life…feeling like it will never get better. And then I finally dozed off and I had a dream about Jason.
Dream I had a dream last night Last night I had a dream You were there Your lips on mine My hands on your cheeks I can still feel your whiskers On my palms Trying to keep you Even though I knew It was impossible Even in my dream Last night I had a dream
And as the day went by today I started to see more clearly all the stress that I have been putting on myself…really unnecessarily. So…next tactic…find the things over which I have control and make small changes where I can. And continue to look for fulfillment in the things that make me happy…building relationships with family and friends, writing, listening to music, our kids, plans for my yard once the snow melts. At some point the “surviving” has to start feeling like “living” right?
Fun with my Sister-in-Laws!