Nine days in to 2023 already and this is my first blog post. My first day of 2023 started out really well with Fregien Family Christmas. It was a really good day…even though there were a lot of teary moments for me. I love being around Jason’s family because they accept me when I am sad and give me a lot of hugs. Nobody tries to “fix” me…or even cheer me up necessarily…and I love that. I know there are a lot of widows who don’t have the great relationship with their in-laws that I have and I am so grateful for mine.
Here’s a pic of Levi and Svea with by one of my brother-in-law’s dogs for cuteness.
And then I got a cold and still am not feeling 100%. I was able to take some time off work…but there was also a huge snowstorm (12″+ of snow) and I had to get Anna off on her big band trip…so it still felt like a really busy, tiring week.
I did do a lot of reflecting and writing. I decided that there are two words that I want to carry with me this year. The first is “Intention”. The past two years my life has felt out of my control…like I didn’t have any control over what was happening to me. Well, it’s time to start taking my power over my own life back and making intentional choices. The second is “Fulfillment”. I need to discover what things I can do to help my life feel like it is worth living again…not just for my kids…but for me…because it doesn’t feel like it is right now. And that feeling really sucks.
And of course, I wrote a couple poems.
In his last days I whispered in his ear You can leave this suffering Your time is over here I know he didn’t want to And I wanted to hold tight But I had to let him go Let him end his fight And since that August morning When he took his last breath I’ve let go of so many things I wonder what is left Growing old and wrinkly Traveling to exotic places Watching our kids grow up Smiling into our grandkids faces Letting go of that bright future Of him and I together Now ahead is dark and nebulous I’m afloat without my tether Where before I was a wife Now a widow I am called How to let go of an identity When forever is what I vowed And all of this letting go It makes me so angry inside But I have to let that go too It doesn’t fix the hurt–I’ve tried Letting go is not forgetting Don’t make that mistake Our love and all our memories Are way too precious to forsake Letting go is not easy Some days I miserably fail But it’s the only way I’ll survive Until we meet across the veil
And sometimes loneliness Sucks the air out of the room And I feel like I’m being Crushed Suffocating Drowning In the impossibility of Surviving One more second Without you And I yearn to share One more breath with you Look into your eyes once more Kiss Touch Whisper But reality is harsh Unyielding And time goes on Somehow