Hello 2023

Nine days in to 2023 already and this is my first blog post. My first day of 2023 started out really well with Fregien Family Christmas. It was a really good day…even though there were a lot of teary moments for me. I love being around Jason’s family because they accept me when I am sad and give me a lot of hugs. Nobody tries to “fix” me…or even cheer me up necessarily…and I love that. I know there are a lot of widows who don’t have the great relationship with their in-laws that I have and I am so grateful for mine.

Here’s a pic of Levi and Svea with by one of my brother-in-law’s dogs for cuteness.

And then I got a cold and still am not feeling 100%. I was able to take some time off work…but there was also a huge snowstorm (12″+ of snow) and I had to get Anna off on her big band trip…so it still felt like a really busy, tiring week.

I did do a lot of reflecting and writing. I decided that there are two words that I want to carry with me this year. The first is “Intention”. The past two years my life has felt out of my control…like I didn’t have any control over what was happening to me. Well, it’s time to start taking my power over my own life back and making intentional choices. The second is “Fulfillment”. I need to discover what things I can do to help my life feel like it is worth living again…not just for my kids…but for me…because it doesn’t feel like it is right now. And that feeling really sucks.

And of course, I wrote a couple poems.

Letting Go

In his last days
I whispered in his ear
You can leave this suffering
Your time is over here

I know he didn’t want to
And I wanted to hold tight
But I had to let him go
Let him end his fight

And since that August morning
When he took his last breath
I’ve let go of so many things
I wonder what is left

Growing old and wrinkly
Traveling to exotic places
Watching our kids grow up
Smiling into our grandkids faces

Letting go of that bright future
Of him and I together
Now ahead is dark and nebulous
I’m afloat without my tether

Where before I was a wife
Now a widow I am called
How to let go of an identity
When forever is what I vowed

And all of this letting go
It makes me so angry inside
But I have to let that go too
It doesn’t fix the hurt–I’ve tried

Letting go is not forgetting
Don’t make that mistake
Our love and all our memories
Are way too precious to forsake

Letting go is not easy
Some days I miserably fail
But it’s the only way I’ll survive
Until we meet across the veil

How?

And sometimes loneliness
Sucks the air out of the room
And I feel like I’m being
Crushed
Suffocating
Drowning
In the impossibility of
Surviving
One more second
Without you

And I yearn to share
One more breath with you
Look into your eyes once more
Kiss
Touch
Whisper
But reality is harsh
Unyielding
And time goes on
Somehow