This wasn’t going to be a poem post…but this is how my words want to come out tonight I guess.
Most days I feel like I am pretty good
At hiding true emotion.
I get through my day at work
Hide that my heart is broken.
People ask me how I am.
I lie and say I'm fine.
Hanging in there.
One day at a time.
Some days I hold it all in
Until I pull into the garage,
Then all the little reminders
Hit me in a barrage.
Today was not most days.
The mask would not stay up.
My eyes kept overflowing.
There was a huge hole in my cup.
I couldn't lie when people asked me
Are you doing okay today?
All I could do was shake my head
And say the tears won't stay away.
But then you know what happened?
I let some people in-
Affirmed that I am not alone
And now I can breathe again.
Today I feel his presence
I know he would be proud of me
For reaching out to those we love
Who are grieving alongside me.
Grief is an impossible journey
That never really ends
But together maybe we have a chance
As it twists, and turns, and bends.
Tomorrow…Wednesday will be 8 weeks. Every day is worse. My hurt keeps getting deeper. My missing him gets more and more. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t know how to center myself without Jason here to “talk me off the ledge”, help me find grace, and remind me about the important things in life. He knew just how to do that….listen to me…and then defuse. He wasn’t afraid to tell me when I was being ridiculous…and he was always right. Now everything feels huge.
Relationships with other people are hard. They take a lot of energy. I feel like everyone is tiptoeing around me…not sure what to say or do. Should they talk about Jason? Not talk about Jason? YES PLEASE! Talk about Jason. That is all that is on my mind. Tell me your memories. Talk about the good times. If I start to cry that is okay…at least I’m not crying alone all by myself.
I feel this weird possessiveness over all things Jason…like Golum in the Lord of the Rings. “mine. mine. mine. my precious”. I just want him back. So badly. He should be here.
I keep pushing people away. Not responding to texts, phone calls, emails. Inadvertently hurting people that try to help. Then I feel left out and am hurt even more. Too many feelings…all conflicting with each other. No one that really seems to get me. I don’t even get myself.
Jason was the photographer in our family. He would often take a picture and then say…”documented”…as if it was his job to make sure that particular moment was preserved for all time. He would make fun of the pictures I would try to take. I’m not good at lighting…setting the scene…centering…not getting my fingers in the picture…all that photographering stuff.
Now I am constantly flipping through the pictures on my phone. I feel like Harry Potter gazing into the Mirror of Erised at his heart’s desire. And now through the magic of live photos on my iPhone I can see the photos come to life for a few seconds…also very Potteresque. I have one of those live photos as the lock screen on my phone right now. Feels like a million times a day I press my finger to it just to watch Jason grin as I nuzzle my (probably freezing cold) nose into his neck
And since all my thoughts ramble around in my head as verse these days…
Photos
Photos hold a power
They are more than just a face
Nay...they are a memory
Frozen in time and space
All the trips we took together
Hikes at the state park
Holidays and everydays
Selfies taken on a lark
Now I look at photos
Searching for his smile
Bringing me good memories
At least for a little while
Others look at the pictures
And remark how happy he looks
We had the greatest life
One for the history books
But all they see are the smiles
Not the memory
Those are private moments
No one can take from me.
I brought one book with me this weekend. It is a book of poetry that grabbed my attention: “100 Poems to Break Your Heart” by Edward Hirsch. Maybe an odd choice as I clearly don’t need my heart broken any further, but I am really enjoying it. Hirsch compiled poems from the last two hundred years from all over the world and then does a literary breakdown of them….which would be hell on Earth for some people to read, but my English Lit brain loves it. In his introduction he says “Poetry companions us. Poems are written in solitude, but they reach out to others, which makes poetry a social act”….”We become less isolated in our sorrow, and thus are befriended by the words of another.” LOVE that!
This poem has been writing itself in my head for the past 24 hours…insisting that I spit it out on a page.
The Phoenix
I come to the place of past happiness
Alone
When I arrive the night air is nippy and
Dark
I open the door and am welcomed by sweet
Warmth
I thought this place would bring sadness coming
Alone
Instead I feel like I am able to breathe to
Exhale
I wrestle the cork out of my wine bottle and
Sigh
My physical body is spent my spiritual body
Exhausted
I turn down the duvet on the double bed and
Balk
I pilch the pillows and a blanket and shuffle to the sofa
Solitary Sleep
The sun rises in the morning in breathtaking
Beauty
A solitary green heron watches with me in
Stillness
I wonder if it’s the same one I saw when I was not
Alone
I shift and it startles gives me one last stare and
Soars
The steam from my coffee cup rises in the
Cold
My nose is nippy and I wish for your warm neck to
Nuzzle
I sit and ruminate on the nature of being
Alone
How to find elusive peace and happiness in this unwelcome
Solitude
My toes and fingers have now joined my nose in the nip I seek warmth
Inside
I take refuge in my makeshift nest of blankets and pillows seeking
Comfort
One thought is blaring above the rest who am I
Now
Before it was easy as a beloved mother and
Wife
Now a new unwelcome me has intruded named
Widow
The counselor says through grief there is a
Transformation
I loved the me I was before when we were
Us
This transformation sounds tenuous and
Painful
I want to retreat back into my cocoon and
Sleep
I feel like fading into forever except I have a crucial role as
Mother
In the evening I build a fire and feel the
Heat
A lone seagull sits and screeches shrilly
Calling
I feel like we are kindred spirits on this earthly
Plane
The lake is calm also holding secrets in its
Depths
The fire burned hot and fast now
Dying
The wood turns first to coal and then to
Ash
My mind imagines another fire a
Pyre
Your body like the wood first coal then
Ash
I struggle to rise anew as a phoenix out of the
Flame
Usually when the sun comes up in the morning I am annoyed with it blaring right into my eyes as I am driving Levi to Eastview. This morning I was able to take it in and enjoy it’s beauty and feel almost optimistic for a brand new day.
Watching couples together is emotional for me. Not that I need or want couples to stay away from me…not at all. It just really makes me miss Jason and being in that kind of relationship…that secret world where only the two of you exist. This morning there were two couples in a boat that trolled in front of the cabin for hours fishing. I found myself just watching them and making up little stories in my head about them.
In order to ever find any kind of peace I need to try to let go of a lot of anger, hurt, regret, doubt from the past year and a half…and longer. Some of it at myself. Some at other people. None of which I am going to unpack in this blog…I’m not that person.
In order to ever find any sort of happiness again I have to start loving myself in the same way Jason loved me. He left me the perfect blueprint for what to do…I just need to follow it. He knew the things that would “fill my cup”…a lot of them I spoke about in his Eulogy. He knew “when to hand me my running shoes, pour me a glass of wine, leash up the dogs for a hike in the woods, hold me tight”. My running shoes gave me his permission to take a break…get out of the house…do something good for myself…lose myself in music or thoughts. A glass of wine usually went hand-in-hand with something quiet…a book…a quiet evening on the couch…games with our kids. A hike in the woods connected me with nature…took me away from my own small worries and fears and let me see the bigger picture. Just having this short time in this cabin by the lake I can feel my perspectives shift in a way that is almost tangible. It’s the “hold me tight” that’s hard…maybe it’s just remembering my links to other people…and that I am not alone…even though it feels that way sometimes.
The sun is finally warming it up outside after a cool morning. Jason would be proud of me for all the warm clothes I packed, but they weren’t enough to enjoy sitting outside for very long this morning. I’m going to try it again…
I made it to Alexandria! The cabin is nice and warm and toasty. I brought wood to make a fire outside, but it’s chilly and dark outside….with a chance of bats. I’ll do that tomorrow.
As I was driving here I had some random memories and thoughts pop into my head that made me smile. One…there is a lot of road construction on 94!! I hate driving in road construction. My hands are white knuckled in the 10 and 2 and I am a ball of stress. Last year when Jason and I drove up here there was also road construction on 94. He was not driving by that point, so he was navigating. I think we were near St. Michael when he told me to take an exit. I didn’t know why at first but soon realized he was navigating me to a Caribou drive-thru. I was so happy after I had my coffee!! He knew what I needed to take my stress down a bit.
This afternoon I debated stopping and putting gas in my car before I left. I didn’t because I just wanted to get on the road and wanted to be driving more North than West when the sun would be in my eyes. Then I got driving and didn’t want to stop in the road construction areas on 94…so I kept driving. Finally I got out of the construction and determined that I would take the next exit. I take the exit just as my gas light goes on. My gas light coming on is like instant anxiety overload for me. Jason would laugh at me and tell me to chill and that I still have a lot of miles left. Of course the exit was one of those where the gas station is a few miles down the road in a little town. By the time I got there I had convinced myself that I was going to run out of gas and was all worried about what I was going to do. Needless to say, I didn’t run out of gas.
When I got here I went into the kitchen to open my bottle of wine…and immediately remembered that the kitchen has every other thing you could possibly need…except a wine opener. Last year I bought one when we went into town and it is on my fridge at home. I found a broken one in a drawer…basically just the screw part…and muscled the cork out of the bottle. Success!
Sometimes I forget that losing the love of my life doesn’t mean that I’ve lost everyone who loves me….and then I am reminded.
Yesterday I felt like I was at a very low point…feeling like I was trying to pick myself up…do things that are good for me…and in the end just being exhausted. My days are so full of “stuff” that I “have to” do…by the time I sit to have a few moments to myself it is often 9pm or later and I am just oh so tired. I process my thoughts for a few moments by writing…so grateful that I discovered this outlet and was encouraged to keep at it by so many people…and then collapsing in to bed.
Yesterday I was trying to make dinner and cry at the same time…couldn’t even blame it on onions…and I started texting with my besties from high school…saying I was just done and really needed some time alone. A couple insensitive comments had been made to me by different people and I was hanging on by a thread…trying to remember that people just don’t think before their mouths start flapping. When I was asked where I would want to go it just popped into my head…I really want to go back to the cabin in Alexandria where Jason and I stayed for a few days last August to celebrate our anniversary.
So thanks to them and to several other friends that are holding down the fort for me at home…I am taking some time…to sit by the lake…write…read…cry…hopefully find some little shred of peace so that I can come back even the tiniest bit better.
I had a rough day today. Just a pile-up of things that I don’t even want to dwell on…so instead I’m going to write about a good memory…one of my very, very favorite ones.
It is late July 2019…Jason and I decided to plan a little getaway. We were feeling a little footloose and fancy-free since we had determined the kids were old enough to be home alone for overnight. One of those times that we were patting ourselves on the backs for having kids when we were so young.
Jason had never been to a concert so we decided to take an overnight trip to my hometown of Wausau, WI. They hold the Wisconsin Valley Fair there every year with concerts every night. As a kid I had enjoyed such musical stylings as Weird Al Yankovic and Deana Carter at the Fair.
In 2019 Andy Grammer was at the Fair. I am a huge Andy Grammer fan…who can’t help but sing along to “Honey, I’m Good”?…so I bought Jason and I tickets and then booked us a stay at a bed and breakfast in Downtown Wausau. One of those really nice old houses with really squeaky beds.
We had the BEST time. I loved being able to share with him how awesome concerts are…just standing and singing along to the music…our fingers hooked on each other’s belt loops. Caught up in the music and the mood.
We met up with a high school friend of mine and my sister and BIL for a couple drinks before walking back to the bed and breakfast. I think we offended the owner of the bed and breakfast by not coming down for breakfast…apparently they have a really good one.
On our way home the next day we stopped at a park right outside of Eau Claire that we had gone to a few times in college. We just hiked around a little bit and I remember thinking how perfect the weekend was. How great it was to have some alone time connecting with each other and just having fun.
This picture was taken at that park
I remember after Jason’s first surgery we had just gotten him home. It was very emotional because Covid was in full-swing. I had to drop him off at the door to the hospital for his surgery and then pick him up three days later. I wasn’t allowed to go in and visit. I was worried about him because I knew that his spirits were pretty low and he wanted to come home really bad. When we were sitting on the couch once we were settled Andy Grammer came on the radio…but it was a different song…one that brought tears to my eyes then and still does now…”Don’t Give Up On Me”. I remember looking him in the eye and saying “don’t give up on me yet” and he promised me that he wouldn’t and was still fighting. Many times in the year and a half that Jason was sick I would “reach my hands out in the dark and wait for yours to interlock” just as Andy sings about in the song…and Jason’s hands were always there for me. Now my hands are empty.
Andy Grammer songs will always remind me of Jason…he continues to be one of my favorite artists.
This week I have been trying to be better to my body. As if it’s not enough for stress and grief to decimate me emotionally they have also done a number on me physically…and my body isn’t happy. I’m carrying around too much extra weight…which is making my knee unhappy. I’m not sleeping well. Eating has gotten a little better now that we’re ordering Hello Fresh…at least we’re eating actual home-cooked meals and not keeping Door Dash in business…but I probably don’t need a glass of wine (or two) every night. My back is a jacked up mess and standing at work is excruciatingly painful.
No excuse for that when I work at a health club and have so many resources right at my fingertips. Last week I asked my favorite trainer to help me by putting together some workouts for me that I can do from home. Getting to work early and/or staying late to workout is just not feasible for me right now, but I have a fair amount of equipment at home. She gave me a whole plan that I started yesterday. 2 days down! Whoop! Whoop!
Today I had an appointment with the chiropractor for my jacked up back. Basically I have instability in my low back and standing all day aggravates it. My right hip is “stuck” and I’m a tight mess. Surprise. Surprise. Good news is that I’m fixable…at least my back is…the rest of me….ehhhhh
I also went for a walk today with one of my friends Katie and her dog Louie. Linc and Emmett thought they were the luckiest boys ever. Hopefully, the fresh air will help with the sleeping issues. And I’m having a glass of water instead of wine…not nearly as tasty…but I guess it will do!
I am so out of sorts today I am having a hard time even getting my words down. Maybe as I write about my weekend something will start to make sense. Friday evening was such a good surprise with Anna coming home. I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and am so proud of her.
Yesterday, Anna and I went to Taylors Falls and a winery up there with Jeremy and Cheryl, my SIL Jackie, and our friend Ian. We walked around downtown Taylors Falls and enjoyed going in the little shops there. Anna was excited to find some pots and plants. I found a few goodies too…including a galvanized steel pail with a gnome cut out of the side. I may have more than a slight obsession with gnomes. I also bought a matted print of this quote by Winnie the Pooh, “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live a hundred minus one day, so I would never have to live a day without you”. Ooof….that just hit me right in the feels…and I can’t stop thinking about it
The winery was nice. The wine was good. There were a couple guys playing live music. I was just having a hard time having a good time. I felt like I was sitting there and everything was going on around me…and I just…was. All these couples there together…having a nice relaxing day. There was a young couple there with their baby and dog…dancing around to the music….probably not even realizing how damn lucky they are.
At one point I grabbed my wine glass…not realizing a bee had landed on the outside…and got stung. Right on the knuckle of my ring finger. I took my rings off right away…my wedding ring and Jason’s band…because my knuckle swelled up. The bee was probably Jason’s way of telling me to stop drinking so much.
I really hate not having my rings on though. Last night I had a dream that I was looking all over the place for them. Everyone kept asking me “why would you want them? You’re not married anymore.” But I am. I so am.
So today has been hard. I was putting laundry away this morning and just sat in my closet sobbing. I don’t outright cry that much. I get teary…yes…but downright sobbing…not very much. Maybe it’s because I just feel so numb a lot of the time….just going through the motions.
The thought running through my head today that I’m sure stems from that Winnie the Pooh quote…we are told all the time through songs and other media that love is finding that person that we can’t live without…what are we supposed to do when we find that person, but then have to live without them? Honestly, I’m kind of pissed that I have to figure it out. Why don’t Jason and I deserve our happily-ever-after?
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 