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Happy Heavenly Birthday

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Today is Jason’s 44th birthday…his 1st one in Heaven. Ugh…how all the first things without him suck. So many extra reminders of him not being here…empty spaces that were his.

If he were here we would go out to dinner tonight. Probably somewhere not too fancy because he wouldn’t want to make too big a deal out of it. He’d order an Old Fashioned…with bourbon, not brandy…sorry my Wisconsin friends who make them wrong…and then we would just spend time as a family.

This week I’ve been listening to this song a lot…”Memories” by Maroon Five

So if you’re thinking about Jason and our family today on his birthday. Raise your glass of whatever you are drinking…Old Fashioned or otherwise…and think of your favorite memory of him. He’ll feel us…I know he will.

Happy Birthday Babe
Wish you were here.
I would wake you up with kisses
And whisper in your ear.

Instead you are gone
And nothing feels right.
Without you by my side
Holding me tight

People keep saying
You're in a better place.
But you were happy here
Always a smile on your face.

I know you felt pain
Memory loss and confusion
Is it selfish to want you back?
Death is an unfair conclusion.

I hope you are happy now
Painfree and whole
Playing tennis like you loved
Before the ability was stole.

So happy birthday my love
My angel in Heaven
Keep watching over us
Until we meet again.
Jason’s 40th Birthday

Done Insurance-ing

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Well, I feel like after today I can put at least a small checkmark next to Life Insurance on my long ass list of Things To Do. I have all the “have to be made right now” decisions done and can breathe a little easier now…and pay my bills. No van down by the river for us.

Linc, Emmett, and I met up with a friend of mine tonight and her dood Scarlett to go for a walk. Linc and Scarlett had met when they were puppies and Emmett had never met Scarlett. The five of us had a good walk and it was good catching up with her. The doods enjoyed making a new friend.

Now I’m just sitting here feeling extremely tired and sad. I miss having Jason to share my evenings with…to talk about our days…unwind together. Instead I blog, which does help me process my day…but it’s no replacement for Jason.

At the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden

Coincidence? I Think Not!

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Do you ever feel like certain people are put in your life at certain moments for a reason? I totally had that feeling today. First, I have to set the scene. For the past week I have been trying to get all the life insurance sh..stuff figured out. Jason had policies through three different companies…the one that was through Boston Scientific I think I have taken care of. Simple claim form I’m just wanting on my check. Then there’s the other ones…let’s call them Company A and Company B…they want me to meet with someone to go through the form…I don’t want to meet with someone…I just want to get this over with so I can pay my bills. Or just give me my husband back and you can keep your money.

So I have an appointment with the guy at Company A tomorrow. It’s where the majority of the policies are. I print the paperwork today and I am confused…seems like one of Jason’s policies is actually an annuity. I know nothing about this stuff. I’m asking around to a few people because I do not want to go into this meeting blind tomorrow. I don’t know the guy I’m meeting with…not sure that I really trust he has my best interests at heart…and I would just like to have some idea. Only answer that I’m really getting to my questions is “it all depends what kind of annuity it is”…Okay…I don’t know.

So I get in my car to drive home from work and decide to call the guy at Company B back because he has left a couple messages and I haven’t connected with him….his name is Jason. So I introduce myself to him. He immediately knows who I am and then starts talking to me and my first impression of this guy is…”oh my. He cannot even talk. What is wrong with him?” So suddenly he stops and says “okay. I have to give you some background because I’m struggling. My wife died of brain cancer 5 years ago. We have 6 kids. She was 43. I know exactly what you are going through right now. I’ve been there”. He gave me great advice on what to do with my policies. Straight up told me what my rights are and what I’m entitled to. By the time I pulled into my driveway we were crying together over the phone. He not only helped me with the policies at his company, but gave me the confidence I need to walk into my meeting at Company A tomorrow and feel like I know what I’m talking about…at least a little bit.

So hopefully by this time tomorrow I will have life insurance crossed off my list? Maybe?

October 2020

2 Months

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Feels like 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years…somehow all at the same time. I had a really strange dream about him last night. To understand my dream you would have to know that Jason ALWAYS had chapstick in his pocket…and I never did. I was forever asking to use his…or kissing him after he put it on…maybe TMI…but this is my blog after all…lol. In my dream he had three chapsticks in his pocket…but one of them was the BAD chapstick…I snuck it away from him and then was trying to find somewhere in our closet to hide it because if he found it something BAD would happen. It was very unsettling to wake up after that…but at least I slept?

Today I met up with a friend of mine who specializes in turning t-shirts, sweatshirts, and other clothing into quilts. She is making me one out of Jason’s favorites…all those tennis t-shirts, a few shirts from trips, a marching band sweatshirt for our Anna. It felt like the right decision to give them to her…but there were a couple tears on the way home. It is hard to let go…even of these things I know I will get back in a way that I can actually use.

This is a bit of a bookend week for me. 2 months today and then Jason’s birthday is on Friday. I hate all the “firsts” without him. I’m already dreading the Holidays. If it weren’t for the kids I would just pretend they aren’t happening.

Pictures and Poetry

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My weekend was actually pretty good. I enjoyed going through pictures and thinking about good times. Makes me homesick for the past. I had a conversation with Levi about this one of Jason and I in college… and about how we were younger than Anna is now in the picture. I think he was kind of flabbergasted.

I feel sad that there are whole years of pictures missing. Jason had them all digital and I can’t figure out where he saved them as they are not on our computer. We have a lot printed out from when Anna was a baby, but not very many from Seth and Levi’s baby years before we started taking all of our pictures with cell phones instead of cameras. I wish I could ask him where they are.

I met a friend for breakfast today…which was really awesome. I talked so much I didn’t make it through my whole breakfast burrito. Sorry Vicki…next time you get to talk. Sometimes I feel like unless I’m at work I spend a lot of time alone having whole conversations in my head…or with my dogs. If I’m feeling really down everything in my head starts forming itself into poetry. That doesn’t happen when I’m in a good mood…I’m weird. I guess if I ever start talking to you like I’m Dr. Seuss you might want to throw chocolate at me and run away because I am not in a good mood.

Speaking of poetry, I ordered two more books of poetry that are supposed to come tomorrow. I just can’t get enough. It’s all I want to read. Something about it just connects with me inside. The written word is so powerful. The kind of ironic thing about poetry is that…depending upon what kind it is…there is a lot of math in it as well. It is what makes the cadence of the words so appealing…how many syllables in the words and such. So fascinating. I’ve been thinking about taking a poetry class someday…when I have time…ha!

Aerosmith

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Today I have been immersed in going through photos…the ones from our college years are really fun. Check this one out from our Sophomore year…modeling our matching UWEC gear. Jason bought me that huge white teddy bear on my bed for our first Valentine’s Day. We were young, naive, and already so in love…we knew.

Our love didn’t stay the same…it only grew stronger through the years. Until 25ish years later we ended up here…on a dance floor…dancing to “our song” at his brother’s wedding. I only have a few snippets of video of this dance, but it’s engraved on my heart forever. I love this moment because it is so “us”. We both knew in our hearts it was our last dance, yet even though we were both in pain and crying we found something to talk about and laugh over…what it was I have no idea…and his eyes were filled with such love for me it was all I could see.

And the only thing he could see was me. He didn’t realize that we were the only ones dancing…he hated being the center of attention…until the song ended and everyone applauded.

That right there is a love that is worth everything.

Bunco

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Tonight I let one of my friends talk me into going to her neighborhood ladies’ bunco night. In the “normal” past I would have been all excited to try something new…there would have been no having to “talk me into it”…now it is just hard.

Social situations give me anxiety in a way they never have before. I have an impossible time relaxing…having fun is hard and makes me feel guilty…I don’t want to be a downer…I feel out of place…staying home in my “safe place” is a lot easier.

Tonight I tried it though and I had fun! I had a couple times where I had to take a few deep breaths and tell myself I was fine…but for the most part I did okay! They seemed to like me and even invited me back…so I guess I wasn’t too quiet and weird. It was a really good ending to a rough, rough week.

Sleep has been impossible lately. I am having a really hard time not having Jason next to me. I find myself laying on my side facing away from his side of the bed…as far to the edge as I can get…like I just want to avoid the emptiness. Linc sleeps with me which kind of helps me fall asleep initially, but I always wake up after about 2 hours and then can’t get back to sleep. I feel like I have permagrit behind my eyelids and the bags under my eyes are unreal.

I had the Vets scheduled to come today and pick up a few bags of Jason’s old clothes. I sorted through the majority of his clothes on Monday…saving some and donating some. I felt okay while I was doing that, then the time came this morning to put out those bags and I just couldn’t talk myself into taking that step. It just doesn’t feel right to get rid of any of his things yet. Someday…maybe…

March 2020: Blissfully Unaware of the Cause of His Headaches

Most Days

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This wasn’t going to be a poem post…but this is how my words want to come out tonight I guess.

Most days I feel like I am pretty good
At hiding true emotion.
I get through my day at work
Hide that my heart is broken.

People ask me how I am.
I lie and say I'm fine.
Hanging in there.
One day at a time.

Some days I hold it all in
Until I pull into the garage,
Then all the little reminders
Hit me in a barrage.

Today was not most days.
The mask would not stay up.
My eyes kept overflowing.
There was a huge hole in my cup.

I couldn't lie when people asked me
Are you doing okay today?
All I could do was shake my head
And say the tears won't stay away.

But then you know what happened?
I let some people in-
Affirmed that I am not alone
And now I can breathe again.

Today I feel his presence
I know he would be proud of me
For reaching out to those we love
Who are grieving alongside me.

Grief is an impossible journey
That never really ends
But together maybe we have a chance
As it twists, and turns, and bends.
2016

8 Weeks

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Tomorrow…Wednesday will be 8 weeks. Every day is worse. My hurt keeps getting deeper. My missing him gets more and more. My emotions are all over the place. I don’t know how to center myself without Jason here to “talk me off the ledge”, help me find grace, and remind me about the important things in life. He knew just how to do that….listen to me…and then defuse. He wasn’t afraid to tell me when I was being ridiculous…and he was always right. Now everything feels huge.

Relationships with other people are hard. They take a lot of energy. I feel like everyone is tiptoeing around me…not sure what to say or do. Should they talk about Jason? Not talk about Jason? YES PLEASE! Talk about Jason. That is all that is on my mind. Tell me your memories. Talk about the good times. If I start to cry that is okay…at least I’m not crying alone all by myself.

I feel this weird possessiveness over all things Jason…like Golum in the Lord of the Rings. “mine. mine. mine. my precious”. I just want him back. So badly. He should be here.

I keep pushing people away. Not responding to texts, phone calls, emails. Inadvertently hurting people that try to help. Then I feel left out and am hurt even more. Too many feelings…all conflicting with each other. No one that really seems to get me. I don’t even get myself.

Someday it will get better?

Snapshots of Memories

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Jason was the photographer in our family. He would often take a picture and then say…”documented”…as if it was his job to make sure that particular moment was preserved for all time. He would make fun of the pictures I would try to take. I’m not good at lighting…setting the scene…centering…not getting my fingers in the picture…all that photographering stuff.

Now I am constantly flipping through the pictures on my phone. I feel like Harry Potter gazing into the Mirror of Erised at his heart’s desire. And now through the magic of live photos on my iPhone I can see the photos come to life for a few seconds…also very Potteresque. I have one of those live photos as the lock screen on my phone right now. Feels like a million times a day I press my finger to it just to watch Jason grin as I nuzzle my (probably freezing cold) nose into his neck

And since all my thoughts ramble around in my head as verse these days…

Photos

Photos hold a power
They are more than just a face
Nay...they are a memory
Frozen in time and space

All the trips we took together
Hikes at the state park
Holidays and everydays
Selfies taken on a lark

Now I look at photos
Searching for his smile
Bringing me good memories
At least for a little while

Others look at the pictures
And remark how happy he looks
We had the greatest life
One for the history books

But all they see are the smiles
Not the memory
Those are private moments
No one can take from me.