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Andy Grammer

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I had a rough day today. Just a pile-up of things that I don’t even want to dwell on…so instead I’m going to write about a good memory…one of my very, very favorite ones.

It is late July 2019…Jason and I decided to plan a little getaway. We were feeling a little footloose and fancy-free since we had determined the kids were old enough to be home alone for overnight. One of those times that we were patting ourselves on the backs for having kids when we were so young.

Jason had never been to a concert so we decided to take an overnight trip to my hometown of Wausau, WI. They hold the Wisconsin Valley Fair there every year with concerts every night. As a kid I had enjoyed such musical stylings as Weird Al Yankovic and Deana Carter at the Fair.

In 2019 Andy Grammer was at the Fair. I am a huge Andy Grammer fan…who can’t help but sing along to “Honey, I’m Good”?…so I bought Jason and I tickets and then booked us a stay at a bed and breakfast in Downtown Wausau. One of those really nice old houses with really squeaky beds.

We had the BEST time. I loved being able to share with him how awesome concerts are…just standing and singing along to the music…our fingers hooked on each other’s belt loops. Caught up in the music and the mood.

We met up with a high school friend of mine and my sister and BIL for a couple drinks before walking back to the bed and breakfast. I think we offended the owner of the bed and breakfast by not coming down for breakfast…apparently they have a really good one.

On our way home the next day we stopped at a park right outside of Eau Claire that we had gone to a few times in college. We just hiked around a little bit and I remember thinking how perfect the weekend was. How great it was to have some alone time connecting with each other and just having fun.

This picture was taken at that park

I remember after Jason’s first surgery we had just gotten him home. It was very emotional because Covid was in full-swing. I had to drop him off at the door to the hospital for his surgery and then pick him up three days later. I wasn’t allowed to go in and visit. I was worried about him because I knew that his spirits were pretty low and he wanted to come home really bad. When we were sitting on the couch once we were settled Andy Grammer came on the radio…but it was a different song…one that brought tears to my eyes then and still does now…”Don’t Give Up On Me”. I remember looking him in the eye and saying “don’t give up on me yet” and he promised me that he wouldn’t and was still fighting. Many times in the year and a half that Jason was sick I would “reach my hands out in the dark and wait for yours to interlock” just as Andy sings about in the song…and Jason’s hands were always there for me. Now my hands are empty.

Andy Grammer songs will always remind me of Jason…he continues to be one of my favorite artists.

It Does a Body Good

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This week I have been trying to be better to my body. As if it’s not enough for stress and grief to decimate me emotionally they have also done a number on me physically…and my body isn’t happy. I’m carrying around too much extra weight…which is making my knee unhappy. I’m not sleeping well. Eating has gotten a little better now that we’re ordering Hello Fresh…at least we’re eating actual home-cooked meals and not keeping Door Dash in business…but I probably don’t need a glass of wine (or two) every night. My back is a jacked up mess and standing at work is excruciatingly painful.

No excuse for that when I work at a health club and have so many resources right at my fingertips. Last week I asked my favorite trainer to help me by putting together some workouts for me that I can do from home. Getting to work early and/or staying late to workout is just not feasible for me right now, but I have a fair amount of equipment at home. She gave me a whole plan that I started yesterday. 2 days down! Whoop! Whoop!

Today I had an appointment with the chiropractor for my jacked up back. Basically I have instability in my low back and standing all day aggravates it. My right hip is “stuck” and I’m a tight mess. Surprise. Surprise. Good news is that I’m fixable…at least my back is…the rest of me….ehhhhh

I also went for a walk today with one of my friends Katie and her dog Louie. Linc and Emmett thought they were the luckiest boys ever. Hopefully, the fresh air will help with the sleeping issues. And I’m having a glass of water instead of wine…not nearly as tasty…but I guess it will do!

Winnie the Pooh

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I am so out of sorts today I am having a hard time even getting my words down. Maybe as I write about my weekend something will start to make sense. Friday evening was such a good surprise with Anna coming home. I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and am so proud of her.

Yesterday, Anna and I went to Taylors Falls and a winery up there with Jeremy and Cheryl, my SIL Jackie, and our friend Ian. We walked around downtown Taylors Falls and enjoyed going in the little shops there. Anna was excited to find some pots and plants. I found a few goodies too…including a galvanized steel pail with a gnome cut out of the side. I may have more than a slight obsession with gnomes. I also bought a matted print of this quote by Winnie the Pooh, “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live a hundred minus one day, so I would never have to live a day without you”. Ooof….that just hit me right in the feels…and I can’t stop thinking about it

The winery was nice. The wine was good. There were a couple guys playing live music. I was just having a hard time having a good time. I felt like I was sitting there and everything was going on around me…and I just…was. All these couples there together…having a nice relaxing day. There was a young couple there with their baby and dog…dancing around to the music….probably not even realizing how damn lucky they are.

At one point I grabbed my wine glass…not realizing a bee had landed on the outside…and got stung. Right on the knuckle of my ring finger. I took my rings off right away…my wedding ring and Jason’s band…because my knuckle swelled up. The bee was probably Jason’s way of telling me to stop drinking so much.

I really hate not having my rings on though. Last night I had a dream that I was looking all over the place for them. Everyone kept asking me “why would you want them? You’re not married anymore.” But I am. I so am.

So today has been hard. I was putting laundry away this morning and just sat in my closet sobbing. I don’t outright cry that much. I get teary…yes…but downright sobbing…not very much. Maybe it’s because I just feel so numb a lot of the time….just going through the motions.

The thought running through my head today that I’m sure stems from that Winnie the Pooh quote…we are told all the time through songs and other media that love is finding that person that we can’t live without…what are we supposed to do when we find that person, but then have to live without them? Honestly, I’m kind of pissed that I have to figure it out. Why don’t Jason and I deserve our happily-ever-after?

Anna and I

The Best Surprise

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I got the best surprise ever yesterday when I came home from work! I had picked Levi up from school and was tired, hungry, thinking about everything I still had to do before I could just go to bed…because that’s all I really wanted to do…and I turned the corner to see Anna’s car in the driveway!

I sorta screamed “Nonnie?!”…kinda weird “nickname” for Anna I know…I think Jason used it first and it just stuck. I look over at Levi and he has the biggest grin on his face…everyone was keeping it a secret from me and I had zero inkling. Completely surprised…in the very best of ways.

The funny thing is that I didn’t realize how much I missed her and really needed to see her until she was in front of me. I think I had just clumped all of my sadness and loneliness together and didn’t realize that not all of it is because I miss Jason…some of it is for her. Going from a 5 person household to a 3 person household in the span of a short few weeks was really, really hard.

We made dinner last night…took the dogs for a walk…did a puzzle. I was worried that coming home and not seeing her Dad here would be hard on her. She said that it was…it’s much easier to be distracted at school…and she does have a good friend there that she can talk to. My Mom heart is reassured that she is doing okay.

Listening to her talk about school makes me feel so good. She is loving her Biology class this semester and is talking about wanting to work with the Professor on her research…something having to do with plants….maybe explore some career options in that area. She has great friends….loves band…it’s so amazing watching her whole life open up in front of her.

One of the best things about being a parent…watching your little humans figure themselves out. Last night I laid in bed and my last thought was…I wish Jason were here to listen to hear all her plans…and then we would lay in bed together and marvel at what a good job we did with her. Our stubborn…obstinate…frustrating as all hell little girl…blossoming into a self-assured marvel of a young women. How did that even happen?

One of my favorites of Anna and Jason. She was teaching him about marching band.

Birthday Recap

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Today is my birthday…44 years. I have always loved my birthday. This year I was dreading it. I have felt myself getting wound up about it for the past week or so…my body and emotions just getting tighter and tighter. This morning was the first morning where I really did not want to even get out of bed. I just laid there and laid there and laid there…before finally getting up 20 minutes before I had to be out the door. I missed Jason’s “Happy Birthday Babe” voice in my ear….so much

I had contemplated trying to take some if not all of the day off work today. I am glad that I didn’t because I really felt the love there today. My work peeps continue to take care of me…coffee, chocolate, lunch, flowers, cards, check-ins. Having my mind semi-occupied and being around people was much better than roaming around the house. At least I had people around to hug me when I was teary….and I was many, many times.

Anna called to wish me a Happy Birthday this afternoon. She is doing so good at school. I’m glad that she is having such a great year and having a fantastic college experience. The boys made plans with Jeremy and Cheryl (my BIL and SIL) to take me out for dinner. We went to a newer restaurant in Apple Valley that we had not been to before. A few friends met us there which was a great surprise. Dinner followed by drinks and cards was exactly what I needed today.

I had so many other calls, texts, porch drops, cards, etc from family and friends that I have not had a chance to respond to yet…my day was kept so busy. Thank you…thank you…for thinking about me today. It means so much to me. I appreciate you all.

All of these “first time” things without the love of my life are excruciatingly hard. I don’t even know how to explain it. I just wish he were still here at my side…enjoying life together like we were supposed to be…for many, many more years. It’s hard to find joy in life without my love to share it with.

Growing Old

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In my line of work, and in everyday life really, I hear people complain about “getting old” all. the. time. Usually it’s when something in their body is hurting or not working the way it used to and the first thing out of their mouths is “Getting old sucks”. I get that it’s not ageing that they are really complaining about…we all want to live forever don’t we?…it’s the aches and pains. However, it is really hard for me to let those comments roll of my shoulders lately. In my head my retort is something along the lines of, “Well, plenty of people who die young would disagree with you. Stop complaining. You’ve gotten to do so many things in life. You have Grandkids. You and your spouse are retired and living the best life. Get over it”. I just keep it inside and smile.

Tomorrow is my birthday…44 years. In the past I have always loved my birthday. Jason always made sure I had the best day. He would take off work and we would spend the day together. Usually going for a hike…having lunch out…enjoying some kid-free time. He would often plan the an evening out with our friends…hibachi at Osaka…drinks…fun shenanigans. And then deal with me probably being a bit hungover the next morning.

This year I am dreading it. It feels like the ultimate of things I am now doing without him…getting older. I will no longer be 43..the same age he was when he died…I’ll move on to 44…and he won’t..,

Good-ish Weekend

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My weekend didn’t completely suck! Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I cried. Yes, I miss Jason so bad it hurts inside…but I did manage to find some moments of genuine happiness, smiles, and laughs.

Friday night Levi and I cooked dinner together. I really don’t like cooking much. I hate trying to come up with what to make and then having all the right ingredients and then having the energy to make it. Ugh. Levi and I decided to try a meal subscription service called “Hello Fresh”. We picked 4 meals for the week and they delivered all the ingredients and the instructions for making them. We tried our first one on Friday night and it was awesome. Hopefully the rest of the meals are just as good and cooking can stop being such a dreaded chore…and we’ll eat better and save money if we’re not ordering out so much!

Saturday morning I got my hair cut. Now before you get all excited that I took the time to do something for me I have to give the full disclaimer that I had made this appointment before Jason passed away…so all I had to do was show up…but I did it…and it feels good to have my hair under control a little more again.

I also picked out and purchased myself a new laptop! My old one was about 7 years old and was super frustrating….slow…took forever to start up…and sometimes wouldn’t start up at all. I decided that since writing is giving me so much joy I really need technology that isn’t going to hold me back and frustrate me. Another disclaimer…I needed Levi to help me set it up….but hey…I picked it out myself!

The boys and I went out for dinner Saturday night with my brother and sister-in-law. Then my SIL and I went shopping for a bit…worked on a puzzle…listened to music. My BIL took the boys to go see the new Marvel movie. It was relaxing and chill.

This morning I reconnected with my friend Vicki over coffee. Her and I were tight all through the years that our kids were small and then somehow drifted apart. A 3 hour long coffee date pretty much fixed that and I’m hoping that will become a weekly situation. I decided that I need to get back into some fun routines so that I have things I enjoy to look forward to.

I met up with some friends late afternoon for drinks and appetizers. I almost cancelled on that one…it just takes a lot of self-talk to drag myself out of the house…even when it’s something that I’m excited about when I say “yes”…sometimes the time comes and I just have a hard time. I went and it was great!

I topped the weekend off with a dog walk with my friend Katie…and now I’m feeling pretty good…and hoping that I can actually get good sleep tonight so that I can tackle the week ahead. I have counseling on Wednesday and my birthday on Thursday…two events that I can already feel winding me up inside. I’m going to try to put them out of my head right now though!

Enjoy this cute picture of my boys from last night. They were dressed in matching outfits…just different colors 🙂 I’m a lucky Mom!

Tennis = Life

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I have been thinking a lot about tennis lately…probably because the US Open is happening right now! Sometimes I feel like tennis is literally the glue that holds our family together.

If it weren’t for tennis, Jason and I might have never met. Jason and his brother were recruited by the tennis coach at UW-Eau Claire to play tennis on the team there. We met the day that he moved into the dorms. I had never watched a match before in my life…didn’t even know how the scoring worked. The US Open was on then too. I clearly remember watching tennis with Jason and him teaching me about the sport. Pete Sampras v Michael Chang….love me some Pete!

Jason dropped the UWEC tennis team his Sophomore year. Tough Computer Science classes and a girlfriend were taking up all his time, but he continued to play tournaments during the summers…Red Wing and Hastings mostly…and I loved watching my guy play. His passion for the sport was tangible and he was clearly in his element.

After we graduated and got married it didn’t take him long to hook up with the tennis community here in the Twin Cities. He played on a couple of city leagues first I think…Bloomington and Eagan. Then branched out into USTA leagues. I carted the kids around to watch him as much as I could 🙂 He loved it when “his cheering section” was there.

I’m not gonna lie we had more than one argument about how much tennis he played…but I also understood that tennis was his outlet…his passion…his exercise…his social activity. Tennis filled his cup so that he had more of himself to give to his family.

He also loved sharing tennis with the kids. One year for Easter we got them a portable tennis net and from that moment on “driveway tennis” was a favorite past-time. The net was used so much that it was never put away. We slid it into the garage in between our cars. Only problem with that was I had to make sure it was slid tight against Jason’s car when I backed out or I would run over the back leg…there was swearing more than once when I would forget!

We made so many good friends through tennis. They loved it when the kids and I would come and watch Jason play. When Jason was sick, he would light up when I would tell him that a tennis friend was coming to visit. He would just love reminiscing about past matches. He couldn’t remember what happened yesterday, or what was going to happen tomorrow, but a match 10 years ago he could pull out of his head like nobody’s business.

Four-ish years ago, when I started working at the health club in the Tennis Center the first thing that tennis players would ask me when they would come in would be “oh, do you play tennis?”. I would say “not really, but my husband does”. And when I would tell them that my husband is Jason Fregien many of them would have tales of matches they had played against Jason and what a great player he was.

Seth and Levi loved my new job because it meant they could start taking tennis classes. I learned how to play tennis too and even got to play in a Mixed Doubles tournament with Jason once. I still don’t play tennis very well, but 4 years of working in a Tennis Center means that I can “talk tennis” pretty well…and that is invaluable to me right now because it is my connection with my teenage boys. It gives us common ground. We can talk racquets…strings…players…strategies…and I feel like they value my opinion!

I remember Jason and I having a discussion once about how much money we spend on tennis. It’s not a cheap sport…especially to play all year. The line item of our budget marked “Tennis” has always had a pretty hefty number in it, but you know what? It is well worth it for all that our family has gained. Even the majority of trips both as a couple and as a family have come about thanks to tennis. Jason has played in National tournaments in Palm Springs, Charleston, Mobile, and Orlando. In fact, I think it was almost exactly 8-ish years ago that Jason and I were heading to Charleston where we both saw the ocean for the first time together. Priceless memories…worth every penny.

Dauphin Island, Alabama November 2017

Sitting In The Dark

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“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark” —Mad Hatter

One of my favorite quotes from “Alice in Wonderland” and describes pretty perfectly where I’m at right now. Frankly, I am exhausted…physically, emotional, spiritually, socially…all the ways a person can be tired…I am.

The vast majority of the time I am with people I’m pasting on my smile…forcing my laugh…pretending I’m doing okay. The proverbial “fake it til you make it”. I’m not making it.

When I’m alone, by myself and I can let my fake smile drop it is such a relief. I still have a hard time completely feeling my feelings…my person who could put me back together after I fall apart is no longer here. I feel like if I let myself go to pieces I will not be able to stop.

So I will be thankful for the few people in my life that are not made uncomfortable by my grief. That aren’t constantly trying to cheer me up. Who will just sit with me in my sadness…in my darkness…give me a shoulder to cry on…a hug…and know that happiness is not for me right now…maybe someday…but not today.

Gotta Brag On Our Kids

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Jason would be so proud of our kids right now. Anna has been back at UW-Eau Claire for 3 weeks now and is having a great start to her year. She has already had several marching band performances and made it into symphony band again this year. She also figured out what to do when your windshield wiper “goes flying off” when you’re driving your car. Guys working at auto parts stores are very good at helping teenage girls with such problems.

Seth..our Peter Pan kid…you know…the one that just doesn’t want to grow up…is really stepping up to the plate. He just started a job…his first one! And is learning how to drive thanks to a friend of ours who volunteered to teach him. He is such a great young man and I am so proud of him. He is also usually the one that remembers that Wednesday night is garbage night…why is that so easy to forget??

Levi…complete opposite of Seth…can’t wait to grow up…is starting high school this year. He’s the most social of our kids so he forces me to get out of the house and see people even when I don’t really feel like it. He is also a huge help around the house. He helps make dinner a lot and other chores around the house…like mowing the lawn.

Then there’s me. I feel like if Jason were here he would be very unhappy with my lack of being able to get anything done. He would be very agitated that I haven’t really made a single phone call. He would be on me every day to call life insurance companies, banks, etc and get things squared away. I just can’t. Part of it is time. I’m at work from 8am-4pm every day and then come home and get dinner going and the boys to their stuff. Most of it is…I just can’t. It feels like taking a huge eraser and smudging out everywhere it says Jason Fregien. I like it when his mail still comes to the house. I like that all of his things are still here…right where he put them…where he liked them.