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The Best Surprise

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I got the best surprise ever yesterday when I came home from work! I had picked Levi up from school and was tired, hungry, thinking about everything I still had to do before I could just go to bed…because that’s all I really wanted to do…and I turned the corner to see Anna’s car in the driveway!

I sorta screamed “Nonnie?!”…kinda weird “nickname” for Anna I know…I think Jason used it first and it just stuck. I look over at Levi and he has the biggest grin on his face…everyone was keeping it a secret from me and I had zero inkling. Completely surprised…in the very best of ways.

The funny thing is that I didn’t realize how much I missed her and really needed to see her until she was in front of me. I think I had just clumped all of my sadness and loneliness together and didn’t realize that not all of it is because I miss Jason…some of it is for her. Going from a 5 person household to a 3 person household in the span of a short few weeks was really, really hard.

We made dinner last night…took the dogs for a walk…did a puzzle. I was worried that coming home and not seeing her Dad here would be hard on her. She said that it was…it’s much easier to be distracted at school…and she does have a good friend there that she can talk to. My Mom heart is reassured that she is doing okay.

Listening to her talk about school makes me feel so good. She is loving her Biology class this semester and is talking about wanting to work with the Professor on her research…something having to do with plants….maybe explore some career options in that area. She has great friends….loves band…it’s so amazing watching her whole life open up in front of her.

One of the best things about being a parent…watching your little humans figure themselves out. Last night I laid in bed and my last thought was…I wish Jason were here to listen to hear all her plans…and then we would lay in bed together and marvel at what a good job we did with her. Our stubborn…obstinate…frustrating as all hell little girl…blossoming into a self-assured marvel of a young women. How did that even happen?

One of my favorites of Anna and Jason. She was teaching him about marching band.

Birthday Recap

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Today is my birthday…44 years. I have always loved my birthday. This year I was dreading it. I have felt myself getting wound up about it for the past week or so…my body and emotions just getting tighter and tighter. This morning was the first morning where I really did not want to even get out of bed. I just laid there and laid there and laid there…before finally getting up 20 minutes before I had to be out the door. I missed Jason’s “Happy Birthday Babe” voice in my ear….so much

I had contemplated trying to take some if not all of the day off work today. I am glad that I didn’t because I really felt the love there today. My work peeps continue to take care of me…coffee, chocolate, lunch, flowers, cards, check-ins. Having my mind semi-occupied and being around people was much better than roaming around the house. At least I had people around to hug me when I was teary….and I was many, many times.

Anna called to wish me a Happy Birthday this afternoon. She is doing so good at school. I’m glad that she is having such a great year and having a fantastic college experience. The boys made plans with Jeremy and Cheryl (my BIL and SIL) to take me out for dinner. We went to a newer restaurant in Apple Valley that we had not been to before. A few friends met us there which was a great surprise. Dinner followed by drinks and cards was exactly what I needed today.

I had so many other calls, texts, porch drops, cards, etc from family and friends that I have not had a chance to respond to yet…my day was kept so busy. Thank you…thank you…for thinking about me today. It means so much to me. I appreciate you all.

All of these “first time” things without the love of my life are excruciatingly hard. I don’t even know how to explain it. I just wish he were still here at my side…enjoying life together like we were supposed to be…for many, many more years. It’s hard to find joy in life without my love to share it with.

Growing Old

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In my line of work, and in everyday life really, I hear people complain about “getting old” all. the. time. Usually it’s when something in their body is hurting or not working the way it used to and the first thing out of their mouths is “Getting old sucks”. I get that it’s not ageing that they are really complaining about…we all want to live forever don’t we?…it’s the aches and pains. However, it is really hard for me to let those comments roll of my shoulders lately. In my head my retort is something along the lines of, “Well, plenty of people who die young would disagree with you. Stop complaining. You’ve gotten to do so many things in life. You have Grandkids. You and your spouse are retired and living the best life. Get over it”. I just keep it inside and smile.

Tomorrow is my birthday…44 years. In the past I have always loved my birthday. Jason always made sure I had the best day. He would take off work and we would spend the day together. Usually going for a hike…having lunch out…enjoying some kid-free time. He would often plan the an evening out with our friends…hibachi at Osaka…drinks…fun shenanigans. And then deal with me probably being a bit hungover the next morning.

This year I am dreading it. It feels like the ultimate of things I am now doing without him…getting older. I will no longer be 43..the same age he was when he died…I’ll move on to 44…and he won’t..,

Good-ish Weekend

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My weekend didn’t completely suck! Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I cried. Yes, I miss Jason so bad it hurts inside…but I did manage to find some moments of genuine happiness, smiles, and laughs.

Friday night Levi and I cooked dinner together. I really don’t like cooking much. I hate trying to come up with what to make and then having all the right ingredients and then having the energy to make it. Ugh. Levi and I decided to try a meal subscription service called “Hello Fresh”. We picked 4 meals for the week and they delivered all the ingredients and the instructions for making them. We tried our first one on Friday night and it was awesome. Hopefully the rest of the meals are just as good and cooking can stop being such a dreaded chore…and we’ll eat better and save money if we’re not ordering out so much!

Saturday morning I got my hair cut. Now before you get all excited that I took the time to do something for me I have to give the full disclaimer that I had made this appointment before Jason passed away…so all I had to do was show up…but I did it…and it feels good to have my hair under control a little more again.

I also picked out and purchased myself a new laptop! My old one was about 7 years old and was super frustrating….slow…took forever to start up…and sometimes wouldn’t start up at all. I decided that since writing is giving me so much joy I really need technology that isn’t going to hold me back and frustrate me. Another disclaimer…I needed Levi to help me set it up….but hey…I picked it out myself!

The boys and I went out for dinner Saturday night with my brother and sister-in-law. Then my SIL and I went shopping for a bit…worked on a puzzle…listened to music. My BIL took the boys to go see the new Marvel movie. It was relaxing and chill.

This morning I reconnected with my friend Vicki over coffee. Her and I were tight all through the years that our kids were small and then somehow drifted apart. A 3 hour long coffee date pretty much fixed that and I’m hoping that will become a weekly situation. I decided that I need to get back into some fun routines so that I have things I enjoy to look forward to.

I met up with some friends late afternoon for drinks and appetizers. I almost cancelled on that one…it just takes a lot of self-talk to drag myself out of the house…even when it’s something that I’m excited about when I say “yes”…sometimes the time comes and I just have a hard time. I went and it was great!

I topped the weekend off with a dog walk with my friend Katie…and now I’m feeling pretty good…and hoping that I can actually get good sleep tonight so that I can tackle the week ahead. I have counseling on Wednesday and my birthday on Thursday…two events that I can already feel winding me up inside. I’m going to try to put them out of my head right now though!

Enjoy this cute picture of my boys from last night. They were dressed in matching outfits…just different colors 🙂 I’m a lucky Mom!

Tennis = Life

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I have been thinking a lot about tennis lately…probably because the US Open is happening right now! Sometimes I feel like tennis is literally the glue that holds our family together.

If it weren’t for tennis, Jason and I might have never met. Jason and his brother were recruited by the tennis coach at UW-Eau Claire to play tennis on the team there. We met the day that he moved into the dorms. I had never watched a match before in my life…didn’t even know how the scoring worked. The US Open was on then too. I clearly remember watching tennis with Jason and him teaching me about the sport. Pete Sampras v Michael Chang….love me some Pete!

Jason dropped the UWEC tennis team his Sophomore year. Tough Computer Science classes and a girlfriend were taking up all his time, but he continued to play tournaments during the summers…Red Wing and Hastings mostly…and I loved watching my guy play. His passion for the sport was tangible and he was clearly in his element.

After we graduated and got married it didn’t take him long to hook up with the tennis community here in the Twin Cities. He played on a couple of city leagues first I think…Bloomington and Eagan. Then branched out into USTA leagues. I carted the kids around to watch him as much as I could 🙂 He loved it when “his cheering section” was there.

I’m not gonna lie we had more than one argument about how much tennis he played…but I also understood that tennis was his outlet…his passion…his exercise…his social activity. Tennis filled his cup so that he had more of himself to give to his family.

He also loved sharing tennis with the kids. One year for Easter we got them a portable tennis net and from that moment on “driveway tennis” was a favorite past-time. The net was used so much that it was never put away. We slid it into the garage in between our cars. Only problem with that was I had to make sure it was slid tight against Jason’s car when I backed out or I would run over the back leg…there was swearing more than once when I would forget!

We made so many good friends through tennis. They loved it when the kids and I would come and watch Jason play. When Jason was sick, he would light up when I would tell him that a tennis friend was coming to visit. He would just love reminiscing about past matches. He couldn’t remember what happened yesterday, or what was going to happen tomorrow, but a match 10 years ago he could pull out of his head like nobody’s business.

Four-ish years ago, when I started working at the health club in the Tennis Center the first thing that tennis players would ask me when they would come in would be “oh, do you play tennis?”. I would say “not really, but my husband does”. And when I would tell them that my husband is Jason Fregien many of them would have tales of matches they had played against Jason and what a great player he was.

Seth and Levi loved my new job because it meant they could start taking tennis classes. I learned how to play tennis too and even got to play in a Mixed Doubles tournament with Jason once. I still don’t play tennis very well, but 4 years of working in a Tennis Center means that I can “talk tennis” pretty well…and that is invaluable to me right now because it is my connection with my teenage boys. It gives us common ground. We can talk racquets…strings…players…strategies…and I feel like they value my opinion!

I remember Jason and I having a discussion once about how much money we spend on tennis. It’s not a cheap sport…especially to play all year. The line item of our budget marked “Tennis” has always had a pretty hefty number in it, but you know what? It is well worth it for all that our family has gained. Even the majority of trips both as a couple and as a family have come about thanks to tennis. Jason has played in National tournaments in Palm Springs, Charleston, Mobile, and Orlando. In fact, I think it was almost exactly 8-ish years ago that Jason and I were heading to Charleston where we both saw the ocean for the first time together. Priceless memories…worth every penny.

Dauphin Island, Alabama November 2017

Sitting In The Dark

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“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark” —Mad Hatter

One of my favorite quotes from “Alice in Wonderland” and describes pretty perfectly where I’m at right now. Frankly, I am exhausted…physically, emotional, spiritually, socially…all the ways a person can be tired…I am.

The vast majority of the time I am with people I’m pasting on my smile…forcing my laugh…pretending I’m doing okay. The proverbial “fake it til you make it”. I’m not making it.

When I’m alone, by myself and I can let my fake smile drop it is such a relief. I still have a hard time completely feeling my feelings…my person who could put me back together after I fall apart is no longer here. I feel like if I let myself go to pieces I will not be able to stop.

So I will be thankful for the few people in my life that are not made uncomfortable by my grief. That aren’t constantly trying to cheer me up. Who will just sit with me in my sadness…in my darkness…give me a shoulder to cry on…a hug…and know that happiness is not for me right now…maybe someday…but not today.

Gotta Brag On Our Kids

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Jason would be so proud of our kids right now. Anna has been back at UW-Eau Claire for 3 weeks now and is having a great start to her year. She has already had several marching band performances and made it into symphony band again this year. She also figured out what to do when your windshield wiper “goes flying off” when you’re driving your car. Guys working at auto parts stores are very good at helping teenage girls with such problems.

Seth..our Peter Pan kid…you know…the one that just doesn’t want to grow up…is really stepping up to the plate. He just started a job…his first one! And is learning how to drive thanks to a friend of ours who volunteered to teach him. He is such a great young man and I am so proud of him. He is also usually the one that remembers that Wednesday night is garbage night…why is that so easy to forget??

Levi…complete opposite of Seth…can’t wait to grow up…is starting high school this year. He’s the most social of our kids so he forces me to get out of the house and see people even when I don’t really feel like it. He is also a huge help around the house. He helps make dinner a lot and other chores around the house…like mowing the lawn.

Then there’s me. I feel like if Jason were here he would be very unhappy with my lack of being able to get anything done. He would be very agitated that I haven’t really made a single phone call. He would be on me every day to call life insurance companies, banks, etc and get things squared away. I just can’t. Part of it is time. I’m at work from 8am-4pm every day and then come home and get dinner going and the boys to their stuff. Most of it is…I just can’t. It feels like taking a huge eraser and smudging out everywhere it says Jason Fregien. I like it when his mail still comes to the house. I like that all of his things are still here…right where he put them…where he liked them.

Lonely

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So lonely, but I don’t want to be with people…I want to be with just one person…my person. How am I supposed to go on for the rest of my life feeling lonely? I don’t know.

Jason and I got married young…22 years old! And had all three of our babies before we turned 30. We were just starting to enjoy the sweetness of life. Our kids are awesome and fun now! We don’t have to deal with temper tantrums, naptimes, time outs…well, unless we let Levi get too hungry…lol. Jason was looking forward to being able to play tennis with our boys as equals…instead of holding back with them. Anna is in college and such a lovely young lady…on the precipice of great things.

We were enjoying being able to go out on date nights without worrying about the kids…as long as we ordered them Cane’s! We enjoyed each other’s company so much it didn’t even matter what we did! When Covid hit and nothing was open we would go through the Caribou drive-thru and sit and drink our coffee in a parking lot. It didn’t matter. It sounds cliche, but is totally the truth…all we needed was each other.

And now….what? I want him back. But as I have been repeating to myself all day “He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back”

Self-Care

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Everyone…friends…family…the grief counselor…keeps telling me that I need to make sure I’m taking care of myself and practicing good self-care. This weekend I decided to try to make that a goal.

Yesterday I decided to dump out a jigsaw puzzle. I love doing puzzles. They remind me of my Grandma and give my brain something to do besides spin in circles. And I can watch the US Open while puzzling…bonus!

Yesterday evening I spent with a friend of ours which was fantastic. We took the dogs for a walk and she helped me finish flipping over the 2000 puzzle pieces…so many pieces! I love spending time with her because she is so chill and just goes along with whatever is happening. If I would have said “we’re running to Target to go grocery shopping”…she would have said “cool”.

This morning I spent a lot of time drinking coffee and writing. Then I took the dogs for a walk and ran on my treadmill. I wish I could run outside more, but I feel like I need to be careful of my knee these days. Plus when I run on my treadmill I can read at the same time…bonus!

This evening I took the dogs for a walk with my neighbor friend. It was such a nice evening for walking and talking. Lots of people were out having fires with friends.

I just walked in the door from my walk when I got a phone call from a very good friend of mine who I have not talked to enough in the past years. Thankfully, we have one of those friendships where we can just start talking and pick up right where we left off! I had a great conversation with her and hope that we can talk more frequently. She has two young boys that take up a lot of her time…I remember those years!

I’m not sure what tomorrow looks like yet…but today I think I did ok.

What to Say?

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Today I thought I would try to give 5 pieces of advice on things to say…or not to say… if/when you are talking to someone who either has…or is caring for someone who has…Glioblastoma or another terminal illness. When I think back on some of the things that people have said to me I believe that every single one of them was said with the very best of intentions…which is so important…and which I always tried to keep at the front of my mind.

  1. It is okay to admit that you don’t know what to say….because really there are no perfect words…there is nothing magical you can say that is going to make the situation better. Some of the times I felt most supported were by people who simply said “I am so sorry to hear what your family is going through. That just really sucks. I don’t know what else to say”. This is very non-threatening and allows the person to either just say “thanks” and leave it at that…or say more if they feel the need or want to talk.
  2. Try not to ask “how are you doing?” I know it’s hard because it’s a natural inclination to ask anyone that we talk to that…but it is virtually impossible to answer in this circumstance. My stock answer has quickly become “I’m hanging in there” because nobody wants to hear the real answer to that question…and frankly most of the time I don’t even know.
  3. Please don’t give medical advice based on your neighbor’s friend’s sister that overcame breast cancer…or your uncle who had pancreatic cancer that is in remission. I know it is human to try to understand a new situation by comparing it to something you know about. The fact is that Glioblastoma is a f’ing asshole that is way different than any other type of cancer. Believe me….there is no knowledge that you can share that the caregiver has not already heard of, researched, asked their doctor about, etc. The caregiver quickly becomes an expert on the illness and any and all possible treatments out there.
  4. So many people would say things like “I hope you feel better soon!” or “Keep fighting!” Again…best intentions…not really the best things to say to someone with terminal illness. Something like, “we think about you and your family often” is a much better option.
  5. Instead of saying “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” try to give examples of concrete things you would be able to do to help out. For example, “We live really close to you. Let me know if the boys ever need rides.”

Maybe that is helpful…maybe not. Circumstances like this don’t come with a handbook outlining the perfect things to say and do…because there really aren’t…but I think these are good things to keep in mind. Just try to be as supportive as you can possibly be because that is what the caregiver truly needs…and reassurance that they are doing a good job.