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Shock

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today I had my first appointment with the Grief Counselor who is available as part of the hospice program that Jason was in. I was not looking forward to it…actively dreading it…almost cancelled it numerous times. Grief counseling is not something I want to have to take advantage of. I don’t want to need it.

Here’s the thing though. I spend a lot of time feeling nothing how I anticipated I would feel…nothing how I think I should feel…nothing how I think other people think I should feel. I thought I would be spending all my time crying…not wanting to get out of bed…not able to function. People tell me I’m so strong because I’m back at work…taking care of my kids and dogs…functioning pretty well. I cry sometimes, but I can also go days without crying. They tell me “I don’t think I could do that”…which by the way makes me feel like shit because I feel like I am not feeling “bad enough”.

My takeaway from the Grief Counselor–I am only functioning well because I am in shock. And my shock has been compounded by the fact that we did at-home hospice…there were many aspects of his end-of-life care and death that were shocking and horrifying and have been impossible to put to the back of my mind. When I close my eyes at night those days are on repeat in my head…over and over and over.

Once she pointed it out to me and explained it to me it was a huge “ah ha moment”. After she left, I found this article published by the Hospice Foundation of America titled “The Shock of Loss“. Several parts of it really hit home for me:

People in shock often appear to be behaving normally without a lot of emotion because the news hasn’t fully sunk in yet.

Detached from the reality of the loss, you may be able to function pretty well at first. This can be confusing to the people around you, when they expect full-blown grief and suffering that you don’t yet feel.

Staying awake late at night obsessing or falling asleep only to wake suddenly in the middle of the night are both normal reactions.

Yes. That is it exactly.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret our decision to do at-home hospice one iota. It was the least that I could do for Jason…to make sure his last days were comfortable and that he was surrounded by the people who loved him with his dogs looking over him.

I just wish I could stop re-living it in my head.

Emmett–worried about his Dad

Four Weeks Today

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today marks four weeks since Jason has been gone. Every day is harder…reality sinks in just a little more…tears are closer to the surface…getting out of bed a chore. My mornings are a struggle…hard to get going. I’m glad that I am back at work…if I get there and just need a hug to give me strength for my day I am always able to find someone to give me one. Then I am able to throw on my “Everything is Fine” mask to get through my day.

Getting home from work is a slap in the face again. Walking in the door and not seeing Jason sitting on the couch waiting for me…happy to see me home. No one to talk to about my day…except the dogs…they’re always happy to see me.

I try to keep up some semblance of normal at home for the boys…eating dinner together…running them to their activities…taking the dogs to the park to play. Then they go to their rooms to chill and I am alone…so I write…missing Jason next to me…wishing my feet were on his lap…or warming up under his thigh.

Someday maybe things will get easier, but that day is not today.

Bring on High School

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

It’s Freshmen Eve in our house tonight. Levi is pretty excited. He’s showered…packed his lunch…backpack ready to go…alarm set. I am hardcore struggling. Yes, he’s my baby so it’s hard to see him growing up…that’s definitely part of it. The other bigger part is that I just can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that his Dad isn’t here with him.

Jason was pretty newly diagnosed for Anna’s graduation and was a very proud Dad to attend her two very strange “covid-style” graduations from Eastview and the School of Environmental Studies. He fought hard to make it to Seth’s graduation…even though it was hotter than blazes outside…there were a lot of people…and a long walk…he did it. So proud of Seth and unwilling to miss the ceremony…no question in his mind that he was going to be there.

Now with Levi, my heart just aches. It is so unfair that his Dad is gone before his high school career even started. He’s left with just me…and I feel like so far from enough. So as I’m putting all the important school days on the calendar…and the chess team schedule…and the tennis drills..trying to make sure nothing slips through the cracks…all I’m thinking is “I wish Jason were here”.

Dreams Too Good To Be True

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Do you ever have a dream that sticks with you throughout the day and you just can’t shake it? That was me today. I had a pretty much identical dream twice last night. In my dream “they” let Jason come back for a few days. I don’t remember him saying anything to me, but I distinctly remember being tucked in his side under his arm and telling him how shit life is without him and how I don’t know what to do with myself when he’s gone. Both times I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I wish he would have said something…but he didn’t.

He would have been so proud of our boys today. Seth got his first job at the same health club I work at. I jokingly told him at dinner that he can now either call me Boss or Mrs. Fregien…he didn’t even chuckle…rude.

Levi had Freshmen Orientation tonight. I’m not ready for my baby to grow up. I was glad it was dark when they were playing the intro video because I was so teary-eyed thinking about how Jason is going to miss all of his high school years. Ugh…that sucks. Go Eastview Lightning Class of 2025!

21 Year Anniversary

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3 days ago I spent our 21st Wedding Anniversary without Jason. It was a very hard day for me. I woke up in the morning brutally sad from the first opening of my eyes….tears just would not stop rolling down my cheeks. I kept trying to pull myself together, but it was a struggle. Up until this point, every time I would see elderly couples together celebrating 60+ years together I would envision Jason and I like that…old and wrinkled and still very much in love…embracing the Grandma/Grandpa life. It hit very hard and hurts very deep the brutal truth that will never be us.

Last August for our 20th Anniversary we took a little getaway and stayed at a cabin on a lake in Alexandria. The pictures from that trip have been showing up on my Facebook memories. Jason was still doing pretty well back then health-wise. He had memory issues and confusion, but for the most part he was still “my Jason”. He hadn’t suffered from seizures yet or had his second brain surgery…the two things that he really never recovered from.

I knew deep down that there was a very real possibility that Jason and I would not spend another anniversary together. It was very hard for me to live in the moment and enjoy every second with that knowledge looming over my head, but for the most part I did and we made a lot of good memories that trip…fished…walked through Downtown Alexandria…went to a winery…went out to eat at a place that had live music outside on the patio.

This is one of my favorite pictures of us…while he was sick anyway…and it is from that trip.

Why “Love, Tennis, and Cancer”?

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When Jason was battling Glioblastoma I faithfully kept up his Caring Bridge site. Although I had never written much of anything in the past, I found that many people enjoyed my writing style…loved being able to keep up with our journey…learn more about us through my posts…and that the writing was therapeutic for me. Now I hope that with this blog I can continue to reflect on the past…mourn in the present…and maybe find some hope for the future.

Love was the building block upon which Jason and I built our whole entire lives around. We loved each other and our children with everything we had. I’m not sure yet what my life looks like without the love of my life in it. It is hard to look forward to a future of loneliness. I am grateful that he left me with three beautiful children to live for.

Tennis has been a big part of our lives from the very beginning. It is what brought Jason to UW-Eau Claire where we met. Jason played tennis for many, many years and we made numerous fantastic friends through tennis. Many of our trips and great memories are tennis-related. Our children have all been involved in tennis…playing and coaching. I work at a local fitness club in the Tennis Center and have a great support system there.

Cancer is a word that you never, ever want to hear in relation to someone you love. Glioblastoma in particular is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is a brutal disease….stealing away bits and pieces of its victim little by little, day by day. For 15 months cancer consumed our whole entire lives…and now our lives are irreparable changed because of it.