I am so out of sorts today I am having a hard time even getting my words down. Maybe as I write about my weekend something will start to make sense. Friday evening was such a good surprise with Anna coming home. I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and am so proud of her.
Yesterday, Anna and I went to Taylors Falls and a winery up there with Jeremy and Cheryl, my SIL Jackie, and our friend Ian. We walked around downtown Taylors Falls and enjoyed going in the little shops there. Anna was excited to find some pots and plants. I found a few goodies too…including a galvanized steel pail with a gnome cut out of the side. I may have more than a slight obsession with gnomes. I also bought a matted print of this quote by Winnie the Pooh, “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live a hundred minus one day, so I would never have to live a day without you”. Ooof….that just hit me right in the feels…and I can’t stop thinking about it
The winery was nice. The wine was good. There were a couple guys playing live music. I was just having a hard time having a good time. I felt like I was sitting there and everything was going on around me…and I just…was. All these couples there together…having a nice relaxing day. There was a young couple there with their baby and dog…dancing around to the music….probably not even realizing how damn lucky they are.
At one point I grabbed my wine glass…not realizing a bee had landed on the outside…and got stung. Right on the knuckle of my ring finger. I took my rings off right away…my wedding ring and Jason’s band…because my knuckle swelled up. The bee was probably Jason’s way of telling me to stop drinking so much.
I really hate not having my rings on though. Last night I had a dream that I was looking all over the place for them. Everyone kept asking me “why would you want them? You’re not married anymore.” But I am. I so am.
So today has been hard. I was putting laundry away this morning and just sat in my closet sobbing. I don’t outright cry that much. I get teary…yes…but downright sobbing…not very much. Maybe it’s because I just feel so numb a lot of the time….just going through the motions.
The thought running through my head today that I’m sure stems from that Winnie the Pooh quote…we are told all the time through songs and other media that love is finding that person that we can’t live without…what are we supposed to do when we find that person, but then have to live without them? Honestly, I’m kind of pissed that I have to figure it out. Why don’t Jason and I deserve our happily-ever-after?