Love, Tennis, and Cancer

Another Evening

Posted on December 9, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

It’s a wine drinking, music listening, poetry writing kind of night…

Empty Nest

Some souls recognize each other.
From the very first time that they meet.
Some call it love at first sight.
To you and I it was home so sweet.

People have searched for years
To find the one that makes their soul sing
You and I were the lucky ones
Our souls singing like birds on the wing

The melody grew through the years
As we added beloved chicks to our nest
Now my soul has been silenced
My heart in pieces in my chest.

And now our chicks are fledging
Taking flight on their own
They’re ready for the world
Tears fall when I’m alone.

When I’m alone.

Slippers

Posted on December 8, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

Writing is hard tonight. Too much crying…everything’s blurry. I was actually having an okay day today. Then after dinner I was talking to Seth about his plans for next year. That turned into him talking to my brother-in-law and applying to the tech school in Wausau for SPRING semester…as in he would start at the end of January. After he went downstairs the tears came. I am so proud of him and want him to be happy and spread his freaking wings…but damn…it will be so hard on me when he moves out. A 5 person household down to just 2 in less than 6 months…makes my heart hurt…so much. It is absolutely the best thing for him though. He did of course have to check and make sure there is an indoor tennis option in Wausau…there is.

Then Anna called. I don’t even remember why and I told her about Seth applying to school and of course got teary again. And she’s great and telling me she’ll be home in just a couple weeks. And then we start talking about Christmas…which is just going to be lowkey at home for us this year…and I say something about not buying slippers this year. Jason got slippers for Christmas so many years in a row I don’t even know. It was always what he wanted and he just loved the comfort of a new pair of slippers. And then I’m just crying on the phone. Which I hate because I want her to think I’m fine while she’s at school….but damn.

Everything feels hard. I’m tired of being “strong”…keeping all the shit together…things changing right from under me constantly. I just want my husband back. Ree and Jas together were an awesome team that could handle anything life threw at us. Now I’m just Marie and I suck at this shit….and every fiber of me just misses him so bad.

Words on the Walls

Posted on December 7, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

One of my very favorite ladies was at work today. She is a spunky older lady that comes in once a week for a tennis lesson and is always redecorating something in her house. Today she brought in some wallpaper to show that she was using in her bathrooms. I decided that I’m just going to fill the walls of my house with words. That way when people come over they will be so busy reading my house they won’t even notice that I don’t dust…ha!

There will be lots of poetry…ee cummings, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, Pablo Neruda, Walt Whitman, Shakespeare. Song lyrics will also be plentiful from artists like Ed Sheeran, Andy Grammar, Aerosmith, Imagine Dragons, Maroon 5, Snow Patrol, Keith Urban, Garth Brooks, Ben Platt. And of course book quotes…”Alice in Wonderland” for sure, the Harry Potter series, Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, the Bronte sisters, AA Milne

I feel like it would be comforting to be surrounded by all those words. All those poets, artists, authors that in some way are like me. That feel like me. Maybe then I would feel less alone. Of course, it would also give visitors a very scary look inside my head…might lead to short visits!

We got our first snow today in MN…so here’s a winter picture 🙂

Loving Eyes

Posted on December 6, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

My cold has gotten a lot better today…thank you to everyone who checked in on me today. My sister asked me tonight if I was “hydrated and medicated”…I told her I was on my second glass of wine…so yes? Truth is that I feel a lot better physically, but my mental and emotional state are….not sure what the right word is…melancholy?

I tried starting a new series on Netflix…”Shadow and Bone”…it’s based on a book series that I have read. I forgot about the underlying romances in the storyline…ugh… I watched a few episodes and then turned it off. It’s frustrating because “normally” it’s the type of series that I would love…fantasy, intrigue, romance…now it just all makes me sad.

Then I was working on some Christmas gifts. I almost feel like I need to apologize to anyone that gets a gift from me this year because they are not at all uplifting, fun gifts. I did almost all of my shopping on Etsy…and some I created myself. Maybe I should hand out little packs of Kleenex with my gifts?

I had music going, like I usually do. Spotify thought I would really like the song “Tuesdays” by Jake Scott. Spotify gets me. I’d like more Tuesdays….or anydays.

And then because I guess I’m a glutton for punishment and “Tuesdays” had me thinking about weddings I was watching clips of Jason and I dancing at his brother’s wedding…and then that led to this poem.

Loving Eyes

When the sadness feels so heavy
Concrete block sitting on my chest

And the tears fall from my eyes
But the scream is stuck inside

I look at pictures and watch videos
I need so bad to see you

To see your smile, the way you moved
Your laugh, the way you looked at me

With eyes that had a special language
That spoke straight to my heart

They told me how much you loved me
How you didn’t want to leave

I wanted those eyes, that love
For the rest of my life

But instead I had them
For yours.

Caught a Cold

Posted on December 6, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

I caught a cold. I can’t even remember the last time I was sick. I was able to rest pretty much all of Sunday…other than carting Levi to and from tennis…and am home from work today. I miss Jason being here to take care of me. If he were here he would be taking care of all the kids’ stuff and all the house things so that I could just rest. He would be the one driving the kids to their activities, taking the dogs for a walk, making dinner, etc. He would often either take a day off work or work from home on days that I was sick. He would nag me to take medicine…which I hate doing…make sure I was drinking enough liquids. In the evening I would lay on the couch with my head in his lap while we watched a movie. If I had a headache he would give the best temple massages. And at night he would cuddle me in bed even if I was coughing or blowing my nose every few minutes and he couldn’t get any sleep.

I am very blessed and thankful for my friends that have been checking in on me. It’s not that I need anything really…every delivery driver in Apple Valley knows the way to my house I’m pretty sure…but it’s nice to feel loved.

Four Months

Posted on December 4, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

Today marks four months…only four months…already four months…eternity or a second…time is weird. I’m sitting here…wearing Jason’s dress shirt…the one he wore the last time he danced with me at his brother’s wedding…just 11 days before we said goodbye to him. I’m wrapped up in his quilt…the dogs at my side…drinking coffee…listening to music…writing. A pretty typical Saturday morning these days. Soon the boys will be up and we’ll go out to breakfast.

This week has been a horrible struggle for me. I have many moments where I think “I don’t want to be here anymore”….”I don’t want to do this anymore”…”I just want to be with Jason”. I am not suicidal by any means…I would never leave our kids…but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes think about getting in my car and just driving….where? I don’t know. Somewhere I can escape the pain. Impossible…I know.

In my head I know I will be okay…some day…but my heart is so very broken.

Thank you to everyone who tried to lift me up this week…with a hug…a glass of wine…dinner…an ear to listen…a text…a song…a cup of coffee…a shot of whiskey…a 3 ft tall gnome that dances and plays Christmas music. I appreciate all of you.

Photograph

Posted on December 3, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

Spent a lot of time last night journaling and looking at pictures of happier times. Trying to pull myself up a bit. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

This morning I was listening to music on Spotify like I always do when I get ready for the day and Spotify randomly played me this version of Ed Sheeran’s “Photograph”. I love Ed…but this version…whole new level…so many tears

Drowning

Posted on December 1, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

I’m feeling pretty rough today….really have been all week…or for a few weeks…months…I don’t know any more. Today is 17 weeks. Saturday will be 4 months. I get teary at work and get hugs from really whoever is willing to give me one…coworkers, members, it doesn’t matter. Went to the bank today and was choking back tears sitting at the banker’s desk. I cried during grief counseling today…not the norm…a lot of times we do more laughing than crying actually! I went out to dinner with a friend….felt better…and then got teary when I got in the car. Called my Mother and Father-in-law and talked with them fine…and then cried after I hung up. I want Jason here to cheer me up in all the ways he only knew how.

Drowning in Grief

Sometimes I think I’m on the verge of being okay.
And then, just kidding, another wave pulls me away.

The shore is getting further and further in the distance.
I’m getting pulled under without much resistance.

Living without my love beside me
Is like swimming with a missing limb in the sea.

There are sharks all around
Watching and waiting for me to drown.

My tribe cheers me on as I swim in the storm
Alone…this is my new norm.

Tired…so tired.

I would do anything for a rest on the beach
With my love right beside me in my reach.

But he has gone where I can’t see
The water gets deeper as my tears run free.

Vampires

Posted on November 30, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

I sat down to write tonight and started listening to music instead. I came across this song…”If We Were Vampires”…by an artist I had never heard of before…Jason Isbell. It is a poetically beautiful song and very fitting because it is about ideas that have been going through my head a lot lately.

After Jason was diagnosed, I honestly would have done ANYTHING to trade places with him. Seeing the person I love most in this world in pain and losing parts of himself bit by bit…slowly. Confused…unsure of himself…unable to make the simplest of decisions. He did not deserve any of that and it was excruciating to not be able to do anything to make it better.

And now I think he’s the lucky one, because this pain…this being the one left behind…being alone…looking into a future without him in it…sucks.

"Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone"
--Jason Isbell

I wish we would’ve had 40 years…

Sunday Tired Day

Posted on November 28, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

I’m just feeling fully exhausted today…and not the type that can be solved with a nap. It was great having Anna home this weekend and having more time with our kids…but also tiring not having much down time and trying to keep my mood up for them. I’m continually working on getting accounts and whatnot switched over to my name…lots of frustrations and roadblocks with that. Work has been frustrating and stressful…thank God for awesome coworkers at least. Health issues in my extended family are causing me worry and stress and flashbacks to taking care of Jason. All of that combined with deeply missing Jason…and then the holiday season…I just want to get in bed…pull Jason’s quilt up over me…and stay there all day.

I have read a fair amount of articles about getting through the holidays without your loved one. The common thread through all of them has been “don’t do what you don’t feel like doing”. Honestly, none of the authors of those articles must have had kids, because that is complete bullshit. I don’t feel like doing any of the normal holiday things…but when I ask our kids what they want to do, they want to do all of our usual traditional things…so that’s what we’ll do…and I’m already exhausted just thinking about it. I know that they desperately just want things to feel “normal”.

One of the things that I always enjoyed so much about the holidays was just the extra time together. I loved the long Thanksgiving weekend…start it out with family…but then spend the rest quiet at home…just enjoying each other. And then at Christmas-time Jason would always have off work the whole week between Christmas and New Years…and that was my absolute FAVORITE. I loved having him home. We just loved spending time together.