Four Months

Today marks four months…only four months…already four months…eternity or a second…time is weird. I’m sitting here…wearing Jason’s dress shirt…the one he wore the last time he danced with me at his brother’s wedding…just 11 days before we said goodbye to him. I’m wrapped up in his quilt…the dogs at my side…drinking coffee…listening to music…writing. A pretty typical Saturday morning these days. Soon the boys will be up and we’ll go out to breakfast.

This week has been a horrible struggle for me. I have many moments where I think “I don’t want to be here anymore”….”I don’t want to do this anymore”…”I just want to be with Jason”. I am not suicidal by any means…I would never leave our kids…but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes think about getting in my car and just driving….where? I don’t know. Somewhere I can escape the pain. Impossible…I know.

In my head I know I will be okay…some day…but my heart is so very broken.

Thank you to everyone who tried to lift me up this week…with a hug…a glass of wine…dinner…an ear to listen…a text…a song…a cup of coffee…a shot of whiskey…a 3 ft tall gnome that dances and plays Christmas music. I appreciate all of you.

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