Today I decided to pack up what’s left of Jason’s clothes after having the the awesome quilt made out of his shirts and putting aside a few other things. One of my friends has connections to a homeless shelter for men that is always looking for clothes, especially in winter, and I like the idea of them going to people that can really use them. They aren’t doing anyone any good sitting in drawers in our house. I packed up five bags of clothes!
Then I started going through other things in our bedroom. His nightstand, piles and piles of papers, lots of “stuff”. That was harder than the clothes for me. Jason always had a little bottle of lotion and chapstick in his pocket. I never had chapstick and was forever asking him for his. Those were on his nightstand….along with a bottle of Tums…which he popped like candy at night.
One drawer of his nightstand is full of all the cards the kids and I ever gave him. Right on top of that drawer was an anniversary card that he had gotten for me at some point and had never given to me. I wonder when he got it? He passed away a few weeks before our 21st anniversary and I don’t think he remembered our anniversary was coming up and wouldn’t have been able to get out and buy a card by himself. Unfortunately, he hadn’t written anything in the card. It was still in the bag from the store. It hit me hard though.
Jason is a packrat with other things too. I found lots of papers from when we volunteered with Cub Scouts…must have been 4ish years ago. Lots of papers from various tennis he helped with. I went through a box of personal things he had in his desk at Boston Scientific….pictures of the kids and I…pictures the kids drew him.
It felt good to see some progress made this afternoon. Our bedroom floor was getting so covered in piles of papers and “stuff” I could barely walk in it. It is far from “done”, but it looks and feels a lot better. Of course, it also made me very, very sad. Every time I get rid of something of his…no matter how small or “worthless”…it is just another reminder of him not coming back ever again.
The boys and I went to Jeremy and Cheryl’s for dinner and to hang out this evening. It was really nice to be there. I was having a bit of a hard time picking myself up from the sadness of the afternoon, but it was relaxing and we had fun playing cards together. My mama heart loves to see my boys smiling and laughing…and I always feel like Jason is smiling down on us extra big when we’re with his family.