Today I’m feeling tired and defeated. Levi tested positive for Covid on Sunday evening. He had a cold last week…negative Covid test. Was feeling fine for a few days and then started feeling sick again. Of course NYE happened in those few days he was feeling fine and we were over at Jeremy and Cheryl’s house that night.
Today I woke up with a temp and headache. Seth also has a headache. Our tests were negative, but I’m operating on the assumption that we are positive as well. Anna is feeling fine, but is on a forced quarantine from work and trying to stay away from us so that she can go back on Thursday.
I wish life would settle down with the constant “things” all the damn time. I don’t like feeling like I’m constantly reacting and can’t get my feet under me. Of course, it doesn’t help that I don’t feel well and would really like Jason here to take care of me.
Seth had his online orientation and meeting with his advisor today. He seems excited about school and that makes me really happy…and then sad at the same time when I think of him moving out in a week and a half.
2021…the year so many people were anxious to leave behind. It was a hard year, but when I look back I see so many good things…people and events…intertwined with the painful. These are in no particular order.
–Strong relationships with Jason’s health care team–especially his neuro-oncologist Dr. Neil, her nurse Courtney, his hospice nurse Amanda, the hospice chaplain Sheila, Amie my grief counselor through hospice. These women were true blessings to us. I will always, always remember them and be grateful to them for sustaining Jason’s quality of life and his dignity in death. Their compassion is truly a gift.
–Friendships new and old, near and far. I don’t know where I would be without my friends…truly. All the new friends that I have made through my grief counseling group. My constant friends that have been there since middle school, high school, and/or college. My work friends that can take one look at my face and know when I’m having a hard day and just need a freaking hug. Friendships that have been rekindled after a break. Long distance friendships. Friends that teach my kid how to drive. Friends that I can just sit with and talk with about anything…and trust that I have their confidence. Friends that are there for me to go for walks, out for coffee, or drinks. Friends that help with logistics…like Levi needing rides. Friends that text me and say “you have got to listen to this song”. Thank you for “getting me”.
–Family…my kids…my extended family…my in-laws. Thank you for loving me…having patience with me…crying with me…laughing with me…remembering with me. Answering questions for me like “how do you change the furnace filter?” Answering the phone when I’m crying so hard I can’t get words out. Being a presence in the lives of my kids.
–Seth and Levi both playing Varsity on the Eastview tennis team and Jason and I being able to watch so many matches…including Seth going to State.
–Seth graduating from high school, getting his driver’s license, and getting his first job.
–Anna rocking the college life….being involved in band…having great friends…lining up Internships.
–Levi starting high school and working really hard at his tennis game. Jason would love his dedication.
–Family vacation at Ruttgers. Our favorite vacation place that we had gone to for years. It was truly a blessing to be able to go there as a family one last time. Those few days are filled with good memories the kids and I will treasure forever…fishing, pontoon rides, pickleball, tennis
–Jeremy and Cheryl’s wedding. Jason was so proud to stand beside his brother that day. I’m so happy that he had that opportunity…and the chance to see his family and friends. I’ll always cherish the memory of our last dance.
–The opportunity for the kids and I to go to Cincinnati for the Western and Southern Open. This was supposed to be Jason’s bucket list trip. Good friends spearheaded a fundraiser to raise money for the trip so we could go. Sadly, he didn’t make it, but the kids and I and my sister went in his honor. Even though we were devastated that he wasn’t there, it was a good chance for us to bond together. I also was overjoyed to be able to see our friend Sarah while we were there.
–Solo trip to Alexandria in September. Two of my friends gifted me with a weekend up at the cabin that Jason and I celebrated our anniversary at in 2020. Having that time by myself without responsibilities to anyone else was exactly what I needed in that moment.
–Empty Chair Service. Beautiful. Powerful. Healing. I realized some things about God and my Faith that evening.
And I’m sure there are other things that I am forgetting. Yes, 2021 was painful, but it was also filled with great memories. Looking forward to 2022…to me that’s harder…
Time marches on whether we want it to or not. 2022 is here. The kids and I went to Jeremy and Cheryl’s last night. It is always good to hang out with them and was definitely better than spending the evening alone….but there was some “unraveling”…we left early…and I feel like I owe J and C an apology for a less than relaxing NYE.
I was already feeling emotional about the New Year…holding on by a thread…but I felt like I was doing okay. Then I picked up a book from the coffee table that Cheryl’s daughter had made for them for Christmas with pictures from their wedding in July. Beautiful book, beautiful pictures…and then I hit the last photo spread and it was “In Memory of Jason Fregien” and I lost it. I’m crying right now thinking about it again. That small thread snapped and I just really wasn’t able to recover the rest of the night.
Emotions were also running high with Anna…but she never wants to show her sadness…so it comes out cranky and bitchy. She was a handful….literally acting like a 2 year old. And all I kept thinking was “I can’t deal with her right now. I need Jason” over and over again. I have to remind myself that in some ways she is at a different place with her grieving because she went back to school pretty quickly after Jason died…reality is hitting her now.
We were watching NYE celebrations on TV. When Midnight hit on the East Coast and the host said “Make sure you have your person next to you to ring in the New Year!” I knew it was time to go. I was in bed sleeping by midnight Central Time.
My plan for today is to stay warm and cozy inside. Maybe get out a puzzle. Listen to music. Try to find some calm.
Yesterday was the day I *almost* said “eff it” and just didn’t get out of bed. Thank you to everyone who gave me a pep talk on Facebook. Your kind words brightened my day.
These past few weeks have been especially hard for me. Everyone in Holiday mode…work has been busy and stressful…lots of people off work and/or school coming into the Club…coworkers sick or taking PTO. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of great friends at work who give me hugs and a shoulder to cry on, but being at a public desk all day long is also emotionally exhausting…a lot of putting on the “happy mask”….pretending everything is all right.
January will bring a lot of change again. My work schedule changes on Monday. I’ll be going in to work an hour earlier. Levi also goes back to school on Monday. I won’t be able to give him a ride to school anymore so Anna or Seth will have to give him a ride…hopefully no one oversleeps. Seth moves to Wausau mid-January to start school. Anna is home until the end of January. How Levi is going to get to school come February I have no idea…always things to figure out.
Tonight we are going to say goodbye to 2021 with Jeremy and Cheryl. I hope you all have a Happy New Year.
Today at work I heard more than one comment about the new year coming up. People ready to put an end to 2021…saying 2022 has got to be better after all. Well, even though 2021 was not a great year by any means for me and my family, it is also the last year that we will have any memories of Jason. I don’t want to move on from it…put more distance between us.
A New Year
2021 is coming to a close.
2022 is near.
A lot of people have hope
It will be a better year.
I don’t want to move on-
Don’t want to gain distance
Get further away
From your existence.
My mind knows time will heal.
My heart doesn’t believe it-
Broken in too many pieces
To be at all optimistic.
When I look to the future
All I see is blank space-
Hopes and dreams gone
Like they’ve all been erased.
Years stretch on before me-
Decades of loneliness.
I’d like to move backwards-
Time with you was bliss.
Another sleepless night last night. So many worries…anxiety…decisions. Without Jason to talk with and ease them…unravel me…bring me down when I get so worked up…everything compounds. This week it’s my kids’ vehicles. I worry about them driving in the winter weather. Where before I had some trust…some faith…that they would be okay…now I know the bad things that can happen to good people…and I am sick with anxiety every time they drive in weather. It’s supposed to snow all day today. Anna was supposed to have the day off, but her boss switched her schedule so now she’s working…and I’m worried.
Obviously, living in MN just not driving every time it snows is not reasonable, so I’m looking into trading in Jason’s car and Anna’s car for vehicles with AWD. Normally, not hard to do, but as everyone knows there’s a shortage of cars out there right now. Of course there is. And trading in Jason’s car comes with it’s own set of emotions…not only for me, but for the kids…I haven’t discussed it with them yet…ugh.
And then to compound the car situation Anna got pulled over last night on her way home from work. Literally the same situation as when I got pulled over. Officer came to the window and said “I see you’re not Jason. You’re free to go”. I’m glad that they are doing their jobs…trying to keep drivers with revoked licenses off the road…but ooofff. I’m just glad that it had happened to me first so that she knew what was happening. She took it a lot better than I did.
Better pour another cup of coffee and get ready for work.
Horrible day today. Lots of tears. Took a shower just so I could sob my heart out. I don’t even want to listen to music today. Talked to a friend which helped for a bit. Forced myself to get out and take the dogs for a walk. Mostly just sat on the couch drinking wine, writing, and crying my way through the Harry Potter movies.
Trail of Grief
Sometimes grief is like
Navigating
A trail in a jungle.
The trees are so thick
Overhead
That it is always dark.
Around every corner is a
Peril
Ready to strike.
Everyone’s grief is
Different-
So is everyone’s trail.
The trail must be traveled
Alone-
Although others may briefly join
To shine their lights of
Hope
In the darkness.
To provide momentary
Companionship
On the dark and lonely trail.
To offer support in the
Battles
Against the many hazards.
To offer advice at the
Crossroads
When the trail splits.
But ultimately all decisions are made
Alone
By the weary traveler.
There are patches of
Quicksand
Sporadically on the route.
They threaten to pull the traveler
Under
With grief all-consuming.
The traveler must quickly
Learn
Who to call for assistance.
There those who will enter the trail and
Throw
Out a vine without hesitation.
But there are also those who are
Scared
Of the trail and the darkness-
They might want to
Assist
But they don’t know what to do.
When it is time for the weary traveler to
Sleep
The loneliness becomes suffocating.
The traveler wonders
Why
This trail was given.
The traveler questions
How
The end will be reached.
The traveler tries not to run out of
Hope
For a better future-
But how could the future be
Better
Than the past?
Maybe the best days are
Over
And this trail is all that’s left.
Today we made the best of our first Christmas without Jason. This morning was very rough on me when I was alone in a quiet house…the kids still sleeping. Usually Jason and I would have enjoyed the lazy morning together before working together to get brunch made. Today it was just me and my memories and my tears.
Once the kids got up and Jeremy and Cheryl came over for brunch I had worked through some of my tears and sadness. We enjoyed brunch together…opened gifts…played some games. Traditionally, this is how we usually spend Christmas. We usually just relax…do whatever we feel like doing…just enjoy time together as a family.
This year we decided to go down to Red Wing to Jason’s parent’s house in the afternoon and spend some time with them. Normally, they would have everyone to their house on New Year’s Day to celebrate Christmas, but because of Covid those plans are cancelled this year. It felt really good to see them today. I always feel closer to Jason when I’m around his family that’s missing him too.
My Christmas Eve got better as the day went on. Cheryl and I went to to church this morning. The service was beautiful at River Valley and did a lot to lift my spirits…even though I was choked up many times and teary. Their music ministry is especially powerful there which I really appreciate. You may have guessed through my posts that music is important to me. Why is it that music can say so much more than just words alone??
When I got home Levi was ready to help me tackle prep for Christmas Eve fondue and Christmas brunch. He helped me get everything cut up and the Danish rolls baked. Then he and Seth hung out with me in the afternoon and we watched a few Christmas movies until Anna came home from work.
Fondue Christmas Eve is a Fregien family tradition. I don’t think I had ever even heard of fondue before I met Jason. When we decided to adopt that tradition as well our kids embraced it wholeheartedly and love it so much that they usually want to do it for New Years Eve as well. Twice in one week gets to be a little much for me, but they love it…so…we do it.
After dinner we opened gifts. My kids made me cry when they gave me this mug. It has probably 15ish pictures of Jason and I on it.
As teenagers they can be rather stoic a lot of the time, but I know when they are especially quiet or cranky that those are the times that they are really just missing their Dad. And they know how much I miss him too…and put up with me when I get teary and sad.
After opening gifts we played Phase 10 together and I had an Old-Fashioned in memory of Jason in his tennis glass…with bourbon…not brandy as all my Wisconsin friends and family have them…lol
And now…I’m tired…I miss Jason…but I also feel like the kids and I did okay tonight. We smiled…and laughed…and had some tears (mostly mine)…but we did it.
I have a list of things to do today to get ready for dinner tonight (fondue with the kids) and brunch tomorrow, but instead I’m sitting on the couch feeling lonely and weepy. Jason and I always made a good team on Christmas Eve. He knew doing all the putzy kitchen stuff stressed me out so he would pour me wine and help with everything. He would usually take charge of cutting everything up for fondue while I would do the baking. He was also the pro at putting together the Overnight French Toast for Christmas brunch. Inevitably, I would have forgotten to get something from the grocery store and he would get in the car and fight the crowds without complaint to get the forgotten item…plus usually a few other things he found…because that’s the way Fregien men roll. If I forgot anything in my grocery order yesterday that’s just too bad…we’re going to have to make do without.
Thank you to everyone that is keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas. I did have several special deliveries to my door yesterday that made me smile and reminded me that even though “my person” is no longer here, I still do have “my people”.
Blue Christmas
The spirit of Christmas fills the air
I used to feel it too
Now all I feel is empty inside
No joy in my heart without you.
I’m going through the motions
Putting up the tree
Buying gifts and baking
Missing you here with me.
Grief is my constant companion now
Sadness overflows my eyes
Everywhere I look reminds me
Of our last goodbyes.
Empty spaces everywhere
That used to be filled with you
Now your ghost is all we have
Christmas not white, but blue.
The kids and I will do our best
Keeping alive tradition
But every second of the Holiday
It will be you we’re missing.
Candles Lit in Jason’s Memory at the Empty Chair Service
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 