Yesterday I went back to work. New CDC guidelines now say that 5 days of quarantine is enough…followed by 5 days of masking…and I guess they know what they’re talking about…right? I am feeling a lot better…still congested and I feel really tired. Having to wear the mask is probably a good thing since my nose is all red and peeling. No one needs to see that. Also, nothing makes a girl feel more appreciated than lots of people excited to see her when she comes back…and all the work to be done!
I was putting dishes away today and suddenly I was standing there in the kitchen, just watching the slide show of pictures of Jason in the electronic frame…tears running down my face. All I could think was, “I really am never going to see him again”…”He’s really gone”. On the surface it might appear that I’m “moving on”…I really hate that term…trading in his car, donating his clothes, etc…but underneath a part of me is in such huge denial.
That’s the part of me that hasn’t thrown away his toothbrush or cleaned out any of his drawers in the bathroom. The part that has left his tennis bag all packed in the closet. The part that has left his cap hanging on the post by the steps. The part that comes home from work and immediately looks to his spot on the couch hoping to see him there. The part that rolls over in bed and only finds emptiness. The part that keeps charging his cell phone. The part that hears Anna watching shows on Animal Planet and expects to go into the living room and see her and Jason watching “Northwoods Law” together.
When I close my eyes I can see him so clearly…hear his voice…feel him under my fingertips…my nose remembers his smell when I would nuzzle into his neck. Now that’s all that’s left…memories in the mist…and me trying to make sense of it all…of anything really.
So tonight I’ll take my tears and go to bed. Maybe I’ll sleep and dream of the past…where life made sense.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 