I can sit for hours and “do” nothing. It’s a new talent in the past few months…since I bought my new desk really. I spend hours here…sitting here…usually with a couple dogs at my feet…watching the birds at the feeder…the squirrels underneath. Today Jason’s blue jays are decimating the peanuts I put out for them. The chickadees are enjoying any small seed or nut they can fit in their beak and fly away with. Three kinds of woodpeckers are at the suet. A pair of cardinals stopped by before the blue jays scared them away. Finches and nuthatches flitting in for their breakfast as well.
Sometimes I listen to music while I sit here. This morning it’s Dermot Kennedy in my ear buds. He’s usually my pick when I’m feeling lonely…out of sorts…and know I just need to sit in that for awhile. He sits with me a lot in my sadness.
Sometimes this is where my poems are born…and there are a few lines turning themselves over in my brain…but nothing ready for the page yet.
Today is Easter. The kids and I are going out to brunch. I’m also hoping they will help me out in the yard. I really want to get my gazebo set up now that it seems like Spring is finally here. Easter was always a quiet holiday for us. We usually never even did a big meal. Most of the time we spent it outside. Going to the park for a walk…bringing a picnic with egg salad sandwiches. A lot of times Jason’s brother Jeremy would be with us. Now it’s just the four of us…and I’m taking my time this morning before the kids are up to be sad about that.
Trying to keep the tears away tonight. Started my day out with a trip to the dentist for a cleaning. I would say “routine cleaning” but there was nothing routine about it as I hadn’t been in there for over 3 years. Jason and I and the kids have been going to the same dentist for years and years. I think I was pregnant with Seth (!?) when we first started going there. We quickly found our favorite hygienist and she got used to our pattern of back-to-back appointments so that we could swap the kids. She knew nothing about Jason getting glioblastoma and passing away. So of course, when she called me back and said “So good to see you! How have you guys been?” it was a gut-wrenching, tear-filled moment for both of us. And the whole time she was scraping years of plaque off my teeth (I really don’t recommend it) I could tell she was just shattered. I felt like I should apologize for giving her such bad news right away on a Monday morning. Luckily, I don’t have any cavities…but surprise, surprise…stress makes me clench my teeth when I sleep…so really sexy night guard coming right up. The dogs will be horrified.
April is also a tough month for me because it was three years ago this month that Jason’s behavior started being a little “off” and he was ultimately diagnosed with glioblastoma. So, every time I look out into my yard and think about what I want to do where….my mind goes right back to the day we were trying to measure for mulch and Jason couldn’t figure it out. And from there to the day we we got a call before we were in the door from the MRI. And from there to sitting in the neurosurgeon’s office and hearing “terminal brain cancer”, “glioblastoma”, “craniotomy”, “disability”. And I would give anything to go back to the bliss and ignorance of March 2020.
April 2020 is when I fell in love with the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. I love music, so of course there are lots of songs that take me back to different points in our relationship. This one…and I know I’m posted it here before…takes me right to those days after Jason was diagnosed when I wanted nothing more than to throw the covers over our heads and stay there forever.
This song is definitely on my list of “I Must Learn How to Play This on Piano”. I think I said in my last post that I bought a different online piano course (Pianote). It has been fantastic. Sitting at the piano gives my brain something to focus on when my thoughts start spinning out of control. This new method focuses more on learning chords…at least to start…which is working a lot better for me…and helping my hands work together…not an easy task! I’m finding success with a lot less frustration.
Last night I was thinking a lot about parenting. Just as I don’t consider myself single…I also don’t consider myself a single parent. I would never refer to myself that way. I’m just a Mom to three great kids whose Dad is only with them in spirit…but he’s still with them in every decision they make and in every bit of advice and guidance I give them. I wholeheartedly believe that if Jason were here he would be telling them the exact same things that I tell them.
Tonight Levi was sulking. I knew what he was sulking about but I kept asking him what was wrong and all I was getting was the “teenage eye roll”. Finally, I said to him “I know what you’re upset about. Do you want to talk about it and come up with a solution or keep sulking?” He looked at me…started talking…and we worked it out. At the end of the conversation I said “I love you. Maybe next time just talk to your Momma instead of sulking” and I got a “yeah”. We’re figuring each other out. It’s just extra hard when I’m “by myself” and my emotional energy is often so tapped out. But I’ll take the small victories.
I dipped down to one of the lowest points I have been in awhile this past week. It was one of those times that it was not the never-ending physical loneliness that cut me down, but the emotional loneliness. The knowing that there is not a single person out there who honestly understands how I feel. There are people who can come close…like my friends who are widows…but even their circumstances are different. Just like I don’t know how it feels for my husband to die quickly and unexpectantly, they don’t know how my experience feels. Do I want my friends and family to know exactly how I feel? Of course not! They know how losing Jason feels to them, but it is a different experience than losing the love of your life. I’m not saying that their grief is not as deep or as painful as mine…just different.
Of course, those lowest points always hit in the middle of the night…when the physical loneliness is also at it’s worst and the empty side of the bed feels like it is the only thing that matters.
Tears at Night
I need your arms around me
Your thumbs catching my tears
Whispering I love you
Erasing all my fears
The tears are pooling on my pillow
As I pull the covers tight
And fears are running rampant
In the dark of night
I’m a hostage to my sobs
Attacking with no mercy
Emotion beaten down too long
Is nothing if not messy
The sobs have run their course
Release me from their grasp
Flip the pillow to the dry side
Wish for sleep to find me fast
And then the alarm goes off the next morning…and the last thing that I want to do is function…but I have to…and I’m still teary-eyed when I get into work…and it takes me longer than usual to get in “work mode”. I’m grateful for my tribe who are at the other end of a text or phone call at times like that.
Yesterday this flower opened up. I think just to remind me that I’m still capable of “creating” beautiful things. I have gone from single-handedly decimating all of Anna’s house plants about a year ago to not only keeping them all alive, but keeping them all thriving…and flowering. I now have over 60 plants in my house that I am constantly “babying”. I think sometimes even Anna thinks I’m whacked when I facetime her just so I can show off a new leaf. I started thinking of names for them…and then decided that was crazy.
Today we woke up to 8 inches of snow on the ground…not exactly a welcome sight…but I’ve had a really good day today. Seth…who has been an immense help lately…cleared the driveway with the help of the neighbor’s snowblower. I don’t think ours would have stood a chance with this wet stuff. I put a huge pot of chili on the stove. Made chocolate chip cookies…which Levi enjoyed especially. Practiced the piano with the help of a new online program I invested in. Talked to my sister on the phone. Watched the snow melt and the birds at the feeder. And thought a lot about resilience.
Resilience
Woke up this morning
To a world blanketed in
White
Unwelcome snow
Crushing spirits in
April
The winter has been
Hard enough
Why now?
Don’t we deserve the
Green life of
Spring?
I look out the front window
My poor birch tree
Flattened.
The weight of
Snow and ice
Overwhelming
My first instinct is to
Go out and
Help
Knock the snow off
Her branches
Rescue her
But what if her branches
Are encased in ice and
Brittle?
And helping ease her
Weight will cause them to
Snap?
So I wait with
Bated breath
Hopeful
The the sun’s warmth
Will bring her back to
Life
In her own time
She will stand tall
Again.
Last week was a huge struggle. Lots of sleepless nights…mornings where I regretted waking up at all…tears…
On Wednesday I saw someone at work that had been in Florida over the winter and she popped her head in my office and asked me how I was doing. When I replied “hanging in there”….she commented “that’s what you told me last time. I thought you’d be doing better than that by now”. Nope…sorry to disappoint you…”hanging in there” is exactly the best that I am able to do…still.
The truth is that there is always going to be this huge hole inside of me…this huge weight on my shoulders. Thoughts of Jason are always going to be right at the forefront of my mind. I am getting better at carrying the weight…disguising the hole…so I can function (sometimes better than others)…but those things are now a permanent part of me.
I spend a lot of time feeling very lonely…and this week during one of those lonely times I started looking back at pictures of the last year and a half. I only let myself go back that far…and in those pictures I found my Tribe. My people who have sat with me in dark times…listened to me cry…who didn’t offer solutions or try to fix me…who check in with me and ask me how I’m doing. And those are also the people who have shared good times and who I have made good memories with in the past year and a half…because I can be real with them. And I printed some of those pictures out and put them in frames….to remind myself that there is still life. It’s not the life I wanted…or dreamt about…or planned for…and it hurts a lot of the time…but it is life.
I got to spend yesterday afternoon with some of my Tribe. Jason’s nephew and his wife are expecting a baby. This little boy would have made Jason a Great Uncle! He would’ve gotten a kick out of that!
I’m still waiting for him to come home…listening for his car to come down the road…the garage door to open…the dogs to get all excited. He’ll get out of the car…get the mail before coming inside. The dogs will get their scratches first because they’re all over him and then it’s my turn for a kiss and a “hey Babe”. Instead the mail sits in the box for weeks because I never remember to bring it in…his car will never come down the road…and kisses are a thing of the past. I can’t get used to that….and it’s been almost three years since that was my reality. It was a different life. A better life.
I should be feeling productive and accomplished today. The plumber came and fixed a leaky toilet and a water issue in our basement. I got my taxes done…even remembered to pay the property tax. And I just feel untethered. I went down a bit of a rabbit hole looking at pictures. I don’t even recognize the woman in those pictures. The easy smile…the carefree laugh…always up for shenanigans. Now I look in my eyes in the mirror and all I see is pain and tiredness. And that man…”love of my life”…”better half”…”my person”….all the cheesy, sappy things…he was mine. Life without him is a very lonely, sad existence.
Our kids are truly a bright light in my life. I honestly would do just about anything to see them smile. They each have some of their Dad in them and when I see those glimpses of him it takes my breath away. I already live in fear of the day they all are “out of the nest”…what the hell am I going to do then?? Jason and I were looking forward to being “empty nesters”…now it just feels “empty”.
Andy Grammer has always been one of my favorite artists. In fact, he was the one and only concert Jason ever went to. He released this song a few months ago. I love the song, but the hope in it eludes me most days….
The re-entry into “real life” has been a little bit rough this week. I learned that with subsequent vacations I really need to give myself a day off before going back to work. I don’t do well handling the week when I am running on a huge sleep deficit right away Monday morning.
A couple of good things this week though. Seth and I have continued to really build our relationship. He comes upstairs and actually asks me how my day was. I also bought a subscription to Tennis TV since we no longer have cable. Best investment ever. It’s $120 for a year subscription and Seth and I have “tennis dates”. Tonight it was just he and I home so we watched both Indian Wells Men’s Semifinal matches and ordered in from a Japanese restaurant he has been wanting to try. Super low-key and fun.
Anna also came home last night and is home for the next week on Spring Break. Of course, she is working most days…but still feels good to have her home. Her and I were talking out plans for the backyard today….where we are going to plant things and whatnot. Last summer with getting new siding, deck, and fence it felt like we were “under construction” for the majority of it. This summer we are dreaming big dreams. A little tricky since she will be in South Africa the whole month of June, but she has assured me that we will have time to get planting and pots done before she goes. She gets my need to have “peaceful spaces”.
I already bought one new plant that is going to find a home in my backyard this summer…and is living on my desk until then…
Tree of Enchantment
Salix Caprea Pendula
Tree of Enchantment
Hand Grafted Weeping Pussy Willow
Sitting lonely on a storeshelf
Your trunk and bare branches
Passed over
Overshadowed by the
Romance of the rose
Hope in the tulip and the daffodil
Yet you call to me
As a kindred spirit
Strength in your sadness
Unapologetic about yourself
Your branches bending
But resilient
And I tuck you in my cart
I will care for you
Even in your sadness
Sit beside you
And listen to your branches
Telling your story in the wind
And I will never ask you to change
Hide yourself
Be anything but who you are
Our last full day in Cali was Saturday. We spent the day watching tennis…of course! The boys and I watched Sinner v Gasquet, Paul v Struff, the end of Murray v Albot, Rybakina v Kenin, and McDonald v Rune. My favorite player to watch was Sinner. Love his style and how he covers the court. I will miss watching tennis this close with mountains and palm trees as the backdrop…especially the mountains!
After tennis we went back to our house and got all packed up…anticipating an early morning with a 9am flight. Instead our flight was delayed to 5pm and we ended up having to kill some time. I enjoyed one last Bloody Mary by the pool and we went to Elmer’s and had a huge brunch.
Then we had some “hang around the airport” time. I was thankful that the boys were very easy-going and just went with it. Our plane landed back in cold and snowy MN about 10:30 last night and it was about 11:30 before we were back home.
Ooof…it was tough getting up for work today and I am so tired, but also feeling more relaxed and energized. As emotional as tennis vacations can be for me they also feel good because they make my boys so happy and feel like a link to Jason. Seth gave me the biggest hug on Saturday night and thanked me for vacation and told me he loved me. That right there is priceless. Jason would be so proud of that kid. He has really stepped up in the past month and I think noticed how hard things are for me. Many, many times this week he made sure I was okay…doing good…having fun. He made sure I wasn’t getting lost…that I was getting to see the players I wanted to watch…that emotionally I was good. We had so many good conversations. Levi is a little more self-absorbed…and girlfriend-absorbed…right now, but he’ll get there…especially when Seth has been giving him a little pushback.
Tonight I’m enjoying sitting at my desk…writing and enjoying some quiet time…dogs at my feet. I really missed this spot while I was gone!
We all welcomed a low key day yesterday after a long day of tennis watching the day before. Had a lazy morning and then the boys and I headed over to the Marriott Resort that Erik is staying at. Honestly, it is a tennis lover’s paradise. Something like 13 hard courts, 3 clay courts, and 2 grass courts. Seth had played a Father/Son tournament with Jason on clay courts a few years back, but had never played on grass. Levi hadn’t played on either surface. They played an hour on clay and an hour on grass. I even had to try out the grass a little bit. I loved it…probably because it was a slower surface and the ball didn’t bounce up so high. Kinda getting the itch to try to pick up my racquet again after watching so much tennis…and then hitting again for 5 minutes…we’ll see!
Luckily Mother Nature waited until after we were done playing tennis to bring us our obligatory rain on vacation. We were sitting in the hot tub when the rain came and decided to bail on that plan and hit In and Out. Erik was talking it up so much as a “must do”…and Seth kept giving me puppy dog eyes…so I caved. I think that the closest thing that I would describe it to that we have at home is Five Guys. They do this thing called “animal style” where they put melted cheese and extra sauce and fried onions on your burger and/or your fries. I decided to go “all in” and got both my burger and my fries like that…somehow forgetting that I really don’t like it when my food is “messy”. It was “eh” for me, but I’m glad that we tried it!
After In and Out we headed back to the house and ended up watching tennis on TV…lol. Berrettini played last night. Unfortunately, he lost…so my Matteo watching days are over…for now.
Today we are heading back to Indian Wells. I think it will be another long day since Tiafoe is playing doubles this evening and he is on the “must see” list.
Tomorrow morning we head back to Minnesota. It will be a bit of a rough re-entry into reality going from this California weather back to all the snow that has come down in MN while we’ve been gone. The two hour time difference, plus losing an hour for daylight savings is also going to majorly screw up everyone’s internal clock. I’m ready to be back home though. Lots of really great memories have been made on this trip and it was really fun, but also exhausting! It is always a little bit tricky…especially when vacationing with other people…to get that right mixture of “stuff” and “downtime”. This vacation ended up being a little heavy on the “stuff”…but that’s okay!
Yesterday was a big tennis day. I think we were at Indian Wells from about 10am-8:30pm. I started my day watching Berrettini and Tiafoe’s practices for a little bit. Everyone is enjoying thoroughly teasing me about my love of Berrettini…but that’s okay. If I can get within 20 feet of him practicing you can bet your ass I’m gonna do it.
Then I joined up with the boys to watch Wawrinka v Vukic and Shelton v Fognini. Wawrinka and Shelton won those matches. We took a lunch break and then caught the last half of Wolf v Fucsovics, which Fucsovics won. There were some really good doubles matches happening last night so we staked out our seats in that stadium and watched Stearns and Masarova grind it out. Stearns, the American, pulled that one out in three sets. What a battle.
It was a good thing that we got our seats when we did because I think everyone in the whole place was trying to snag seats for the doubles. First doubles match was Fritz/Paul v Evans/Peers. I think the whole stadium was hoping Fritz/Paul would make more of a match out of it but they lost 3-6, 3-6. The second match was FAA/Shapo v Rune/Shelton. Holy buckets. So much talent on that court. And I tell you what…nothing like watching tennis and the sun go down over the mountains at the same time.
I’m not gonna lie…watching the doubles was unexpectantly emotionally challenging for me. Doubles was Jason’s game. All that fast hands net play. He would have loved sitting next to me watching the pros last night. Damn…some of those points…so amazing. Doubles is also fun to watch because the players are a little more relaxed and their love of the game and how fun it is really shows.
Today is a bit of a more low key day. The boys and I are going to hang out with Erik. He is staying at a hotel that has grass and clay courts and the boys are looking forward to playing with him and trying out those surfaces. I’m hoping to snag a little more reading time outside by the pool.
Yesterday we ventured out to the Living Desert Zoo and Gardens. If you are ever in the Palm Springs area I would highly recommend it. We saw a lot of different kinds of animals and plants than the Minnesota Zoo…that’s for sure. They also have all of these colorful animal statues throughout that are pretty impressive.
There were lots of hummingbirds flitting about which kind of surprised me since there really aren’t a lot of flowers, but there are these tiny ones.
It was also the first time I have been in awe of palm trees. They have a palm tree grove that is like the sequoia of palm trees that I really loved.
After the zoo we headed to Downtown Palm Springs and met up with our good friend Erik. He lived in MN until last summer when he moved to Charlotte. He is in Palm Springs for the tennis tournament as well. Anytime we get to see Erik is good. We really miss him.
Today is back to tennis! I think Seth has our line-up planned out. He does a really good job of leading us to the matches that are the best to watch. Levi just needs to know when and where his next meal is coming from 🙂
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 