I’m still waiting for him to come home…listening for his car to come down the road…the garage door to open…the dogs to get all excited. He’ll get out of the car…get the mail before coming inside. The dogs will get their scratches first because they’re all over him and then it’s my turn for a kiss and a “hey Babe”. Instead the mail sits in the box for weeks because I never remember to bring it in…his car will never come down the road…and kisses are a thing of the past. I can’t get used to that….and it’s been almost three years since that was my reality. It was a different life. A better life.
I should be feeling productive and accomplished today. The plumber came and fixed a leaky toilet and a water issue in our basement. I got my taxes done…even remembered to pay the property tax. And I just feel untethered. I went down a bit of a rabbit hole looking at pictures. I don’t even recognize the woman in those pictures. The easy smile…the carefree laugh…always up for shenanigans. Now I look in my eyes in the mirror and all I see is pain and tiredness. And that man…”love of my life”…”better half”…”my person”….all the cheesy, sappy things…he was mine. Life without him is a very lonely, sad existence.
Our kids are truly a bright light in my life. I honestly would do just about anything to see them smile. They each have some of their Dad in them and when I see those glimpses of him it takes my breath away. I already live in fear of the day they all are “out of the nest”…what the hell am I going to do then?? Jason and I were looking forward to being “empty nesters”…now it just feels “empty”.
Andy Grammer has always been one of my favorite artists. In fact, he was the one and only concert Jason ever went to. He released this song a few months ago. I love the song, but the hope in it eludes me most days….
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 