After Jason passed away I received a few books from family and friends. I made it through a few pages and then threw them across the room…every…single…one. Some of them I just read the biography of the author and that’s as far as I got. “So and so’s wife passed away in 2010. They have since remarried and are living a beautiful and happy life”….blah…blah…blah. Maybe…someday…way in the future…remarrying will seem like a viable possibility. How can I say that it 100% won’t happen? But I can 100% say that it is an unfathomable idea to me right now. Jason is still my husband.
Well, last night in my wanderings around the house I came across those books and decided to give them another whirl. Still nope…as they hit the wall a second time. Every single one of them is written from a religious perspective…and just comes off as sounding like utter bullshit. Even though God has some big grand plan that humans cannot begin to understand (hmm…really?) none of the bad things are his fault, they are humankind’s fault (how convenient) and only through God can we find healing (even more convenient). And we should not question and just need to have faith that everything will be fine…everything happens for a reason…our loved ones are in a better place…etc
I can’t get behind that. I do believe in God, but I will never believe that Jason dying was for the best in some larger scheme….nope. I think we give God way too much credit, because if we were to face the truth…that bad shit happens and this world is out of His control in so many ways…that would be a truth that most people don’t have the strength to face. So we push our emotions down…because how can we feel sad or upset if we believe God is in control?….and slog on…because we have Faith.
And there are good things in this world…don’t get me wrong. I spend hours every day either outside or looking out my window…marveling at nature…and that is where I find my hope. In the seasons…in the birds…in the flowers…in the plants that fight to find the sunshine…in the freaking squirrels that keep terrorizing my dogs. I also find hope in my people…my Tribe. They are the good.
And I realize that right about now many of you want to get in a theological discussion with me…or send me the perfect book that will make me understand. Please don’t…I have enough dents in my wall. God and I have our own thing going. I’m pissed at Him…and probably will be for a good long while…but that’s our relationship to figure out.
Reality It’s not like in the movies Or in the romance you read Where the widow falls apart Pulls the covers over her head The tissues pile up Take-out containers rot While she’s checked-out The outside world forgot And then a friend comes over Drags her into the shower Says some magic words That heal the hole inside her But those words don’t exist And the hole never heals She’s just learned to hide it The world’s uncomfortable with feels At night she roams the house Sipping wine from her glass Looking for his ghost Wondering how long she can last
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 