I had a really good Mother’s Day today. Baby Girl didn’t come home this weekend since she was home the past two weekends and will be moving back home on Friday. I did talk to her yesterday and text with her today though. My boys showed me lots of love. Seth and I dropped Levi off at his tennis lesson this morning and then went out for coffee. The three of us went out for pizza for lunch. One of our favorite pro tennis players was playing this afternoon so we recovered from our food comas in front of the tv. The rain stopped and the sun came out. Seth helped me put up my hammock. Levi grilled dinner. It was just all very relaxing.
My favorite verb of this spring so far is “putter”. I spend a lot of time puttering in my yard. It’s a good thing lots of my flowers are in pots because I am enjoying moving them around and creating different “spaces”. In past years I really focused on my gazebo, well this year my gazebo is having some structural integrity/roof issues and I haven’t been able to enjoy it. Thankfully, my deck has been awesome and I’ve been spending more time there…but I can’t really enjoy the flowers on the gazebo unless I am in the gazebo…so thus the moving of the plants today. I’ll have to take more pictures tomorrow, but this is my “hammock space”. It will look even better with new mulch spread underneath it.
Today hit hard. Three years ago today I dropped Jason off at the front door of the hospital for his first brain surgery. Covid restrictions prevented me from going in with him or visiting him during this stay. Family and friends came and went at my house (outside because of Covid) keeping me company as I waiting on phone calls from the nurses at the hospital keeping me updated. And Jason was all alone…with a brain tumor…confused and scared.
He was so happy when we got to pick him up a few days later….full of ink dots all over his head…and a big incision in the back.
Thank you to everyone who noticed I was having a rough time of it today and chatted with me for awhile and gave me a hug. I truly appreciate it. It’s definitely a “close to the edge” kind of day.
I’ve managed to string together a few “pretty good” days in a row. Anna was home this past weekend. We had coffee with my sister on Saturday morning. Then she potted all of my outside flowers…in between rain showers and having to run and get more dirt…we grossly underestimated the amount needed. On Sunday morning I had breakfast with my friend Vicki and then Anna and I headed down to Red Wing for a wedding shower. Jason’s nephew is getting married next month. My first Great Nephew was also at the shower…nothing can beat two week old baby cuddles. Yesterday, I got it in my head that I wanted to plant some elevated beds with veggies. My sister-in-law helped me with that project.
Sometimes people ask me how I write my poems. A variety of ways really. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to write until I sit down at my desk. Sometimes something in nature inspires me…like “Tree of Enchantment” or “Fall”. I wrote a poem for my friend Terri after I was at her house and we were talking about how we hate it when people say we “lost” our husbands…like they are a missing sock or something. Sometimes my poems come from a phrase I have been turning over in my head….”Fairy Tale” was the result of thinking about “happy endings” for days.
Often my poems are emotions that I’m trying to make sense of by putting them into words. That’s how the two poems I wrote tonight came into being. One of the things that I struggle with is being able to “appropriately” celebrate other people’s happiness and big life occasions….babies and weddings being the most difficult. Of course, babies and weddings are happy occasions and I am happy for the people that are celebrating them…I LOVE babies and weddings…but they also are very sharp reminders to me that those days are over…I will never feel that happy again. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to share in those occasions…but I will also be sobbing later.
So I sat down and thought I was going to write a poem about that emotion. I even wrote “Yesterday” at the top of the page and then this poem came out of nowhere.
Looking Down
Heaven is said to be the
Ultimate goal
When you breathe your last and
Release your soul
They say it’s a place of
Beauty and peace
Where God gathers you close and
All your pains cease
But what do you do all day
Without your family
Your daughters and sons
Do you miss me?
What are you thinking
When you look down from a cloud?
I hope you see our kids and
They make you proud
Anna leads the way
Strong and confident
Following her passions
To every continent
Seth is finding his path
Winding as it may be
Struggling with his own grief
He still takes care of me
Levi watched the way you
Loved me for years
That love he shows his girlfriend
Never causing her tears
Our brood is finding their way
I wish you were here to see it
To enjoy them next to me
Not just in spirit
It was definitely an “I’m not really sure where that came from” moment…but it worked, so there it is. I immediately finished that one, renamed it…and then wrote my “Yesterday” poem
Yesterday
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday I met a guy
A tennis-playing computer nerd
Something about him caught my eye
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday we kissed for the first time
We were in his brother’s dorm room
After that I called him mine
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday we went “all in”
Said our “I do’s”
In front of family and friends
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday we grew our family
A daughter and two sons
A perfect Fregien trilogy
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday we laughed we loved
Cried and fought together too
But always rose above
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday we had date night with friends
Holding hands, laughing, meeting each other’s eyes
Anticipating night’s end
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday our heads shared a single pillow
Whispering our dreams
Our plans for tomorrow
Let me tell you about yesterday
Yesterday my soulmate died
The world kept on marching
Taking tomorrow in stride
But I just want to tell you about yesterday
Three years ago today Jason had his first MRI…of what would be many…and we got the call that he had a brain tumor. The very next day we met with Dr. Hunt, the neurosurgeon, and heard the word “Glioblastoma” for the first time. And that is “the day everything changed”. Coincidentally, May is also Glioblastoma Awareness Month and Mental Health Month.
Grief has five pretty well-known stages…denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance….that in my experience are pretty much bullshit. While I have felt all of those…they definitely have not been in that order…and I go back and forth and around and around with them all the time. Kind of like they are all there in the background, but at any one moment I feel one…or even a couple…more strongly.
Anger is one of the hardest ones for me to handle. I know that I am angry for a lot of reasons. I’m angry at circumstances. I’m angry at God. I’m angry at my loved ones. I’m angry at our health care system. I’m angry at society. The list goes on and on. Most of the time, my anger gets tamped down because I don’t feel like it fixes anything. I draw it into myself…spend more time by myself…go “radio silent”…until I can “deal” again. Mostly, it’s when I’m sleeping that my anger comes out.
Anger
Eyes snap open
Jaw clenched tight
Teeth begging for mercy
Heart pounding
Blood throbbing in every vessel
Lungs fighting for air
Brain and body working tandem
Rescuing me
Anger pulling me under
Red so hot and dark it blackens
Like the hottest coal in the fire
Or the pits of Hell
The coal sparks
Ignites
Strengthens in my dreams
Morphs into a ball of fire
Uncontrollable pain
All-consuming
Unable to contain it
My mouth opens
Raining flames of fire and hurt
Mindlessly burning
This world that has
Deserted me
But I live in another dimension now
Even as a dragon of pain and anger
In my unconscious
The world is protected
Doesn’t see me
Doesn’t feel my heat
The dragon lets out one more roar
Tears of molten lava run down her cheeks
The fire banks
But the ember remains
The return of the dreary, cold weather here in Minnesota has been really tough on my mental wellness. The week of warmth that we had did so much to perk me up. I was getting excited about spending time in my yard…and now I’m back to restlessly wandering around my house…staring out windows…playing piano…reading…feeling frustrated and lonely.
Yesterday after work I actually hopped on my treadmill. Only make it about 25 minutes before my “Alaskan Trek” got to be too much for me. Maybe I should have started with a flat walk through the desert or something…lol. I was reminded of how dreadfully out of shape I am…but also how good it feels to sweat….so that’s something.
The usual Saturday rhythm had me dropping Levi off at Svea’s house at 8am. I decided that I was going to try to give myself a better start to my day and I stopped at Curiouser Coffee on my way back home. Ugh. It’s so hard to find things “out in the world” that I find enjoyable doing by myself. I envisioned sitting with my coffee, my tablet, and my book…feeling all cozy…maybe writing…maybe reading…instead I wrote while I people-watched. What’s wrong with that you say? Well, I was literally the only person that was there solo…and that started to feel shitty pretty quickly…and my poem about getting coffee on a Saturday morning took a turn. I’m going to try again, but bring earbuds so that I can be less distracted.
Saturday Morning Coffee
Sitting in the coffee shop
Sipping
Saturday morning brew
Wet and cold outside
Winter lingering
Won’t let go
Sitting at my table
Solo
Soaking in the atmosphere
Watching as others
Wander in
Wipe the wet from their faces
Solidarity in our quest to
Secure our
Sweet morning elixir
Wishes
Whisper
Wildly
Spinning
Swirling in my
Skull
Wet eyes
Wistfully
Watching a
Senior couple
Shuffle in
Stars undimmed in their gaze
Wife leads the
Way
While husband follows
Smooth and easy together
Symmetry developed
Seamlessly
Widow
Widower
Words blessedly unfelt
Lucky them.
I did treat myself to a new plant at the coffee shop. Her name is Judy Bloom. She is a monstera who hasn’t swiss-cheesed her leaves yet (the leaves get slits in them as they get more sun)…so I’m anxious to watch her.
I think my house has been feeling very empty and quiet and buying plants is my way of filling it with life and beauty. There are worse things I guess. I have a few in my kitchen that are blossoming right now…and a cactus that is on the verge.
Seth has been making an effort to spend more time with me…which I appreciate. Usually we watch tennis together. There wasn’t any on tonight so we started watching the Netflix Series Breakpoint…which highlights some of the players on the tour. I stayed awake though three episodes…so it must be pretty good!
After Jason passed away I received a few books from family and friends. I made it through a few pages and then threw them across the room…every…single…one. Some of them I just read the biography of the author and that’s as far as I got. “So and so’s wife passed away in 2010. They have since remarried and are living a beautiful and happy life”….blah…blah…blah. Maybe…someday…way in the future…remarrying will seem like a viable possibility. How can I say that it 100% won’t happen? But I can 100% say that it is an unfathomable idea to me right now. Jason is still my husband.
Well, last night in my wanderings around the house I came across those books and decided to give them another whirl. Still nope…as they hit the wall a second time. Every single one of them is written from a religious perspective…and just comes off as sounding like utter bullshit. Even though God has some big grand plan that humans cannot begin to understand (hmm…really?) none of the bad things are his fault, they are humankind’s fault (how convenient) and only through God can we find healing (even more convenient). And we should not question and just need to have faith that everything will be fine…everything happens for a reason…our loved ones are in a better place…etc
I can’t get behind that. I do believe in God, but I will never believe that Jason dying was for the best in some larger scheme….nope. I think we give God way too much credit, because if we were to face the truth…that bad shit happens and this world is out of His control in so many ways…that would be a truth that most people don’t have the strength to face. So we push our emotions down…because how can we feel sad or upset if we believe God is in control?….and slog on…because we have Faith.
And there are good things in this world…don’t get me wrong. I spend hours every day either outside or looking out my window…marveling at nature…and that is where I find my hope. In the seasons…in the birds…in the flowers…in the plants that fight to find the sunshine…in the freaking squirrels that keep terrorizing my dogs. I also find hope in my people…my Tribe. They are the good.
And I realize that right about now many of you want to get in a theological discussion with me…or send me the perfect book that will make me understand. Please don’t…I have enough dents in my wall. God and I have our own thing going. I’m pissed at Him…and probably will be for a good long while…but that’s our relationship to figure out.
Reality
It’s not like in the movies
Or in the romance you read
Where the widow falls apart
Pulls the covers over her head
The tissues pile up
Take-out containers rot
While she’s checked-out
The outside world forgot
And then a friend comes over
Drags her into the shower
Says some magic words
That heal the hole inside her
But those words don’t exist
And the hole never heals
She’s just learned to hide it
The world’s uncomfortable with feels
At night she roams the house
Sipping wine from her glass
Looking for his ghost
Wondering how long she can last
This morning Facebook reminded me that 8 years ago today I was watching Jason play tennis. I would guess from the picture that it was a USTA match at Baseline. Man how I loved watching him play…especially once the kids got older and I wasn’t trying to keep them occupied and quiet on the sideline…lol
Today, I got to watch Levi play in the first match of their season. He is playing 2 singles for Eastview this year. I love to watch him too and can catch so many glimpses of his Dad in the way that he plays, although Jason’s game was doubles! Jason’s Mom and Dad came to watch the match and one of his friends from school. After the match, I turned around and one of Jason’s tennis partners and a friend from way back was standing behind me…Barb (the one standing on Jason’s left in the picture below). I was so stunned. I know I gave her an awkwardly long hug….like I could feel her try to let go at one point, but I just wasn’t done yet. I had been thinking about her just a few days ago for some reason, and then there she was. Made a trip down from White Bear to watch Levi. I did okay chatting with her a little bit and then just started to lose my shit…can you say hot mess? I shooed her away before we both became real disasters, but it was so good to see her…and I hope I didn’t scare her away. Levi won BTW 6-1, 6-0.
I got to spend some nice time outside after the match. And got to writing a poem about one of the ideas that has been rolling around in my head the past few days…happy endings.
Fairy Tale
Everyone wants a happy ending
The fairy tale
The ride off into the sunset
Then tragedy hits
The prince is gone
And darkness falls
Loneliness overwhelms the princess
Alone in her tower
Befriending the plants and the birds
Unrecognizable to herself
Her kingdom in shambles
Her crown tarnished and tilted
The plot twists
A cliffhanger
A new chapter
But the princess is lost
In the fog of grief
Without her prince
The weight of the kingdom
Heavy on her shoulders
Paralyzing her
Her most trusted advisors
Tell her to leap
But her trust in the world is shaken
Her poor kingdom has suffered enough
One more blow
Means permanent decimation
So she withers
Like a grape
On the vine too long
Her full potential
Yet to be written
The pages left blank
Waiting for the princess
To write her
Own ending.
Just sent Anna on her way back to school…and I’m exhausted. My “sit and do nothing” morning didn’t last long once she got out of bed. She knew all the things that I wanted to get done today and prodded me to get moving. She finished organizing my junk drawers in the kitchen. A project that I had no intention of doing this weekend…but then there was an egg hunt on Friday night…with over 80 eggs…and drawers were emptied…and most of the eggs were found…sigh
Once I wasn’t stressing over the state of my kitchen anymore we headed outside. The boys came out and helped and we got my fire table off the deck and into my gazebo. Then we had to take a break to go to brunch…yes, we were the ones at Barley and Vine that looked like we had just come from doing yardwork…oh well. When we got back we finished getting my gazebo put together…got the grill up on the deck…and put together the new bar table I got for the deck. My “spaces” are all ready for me.
It’s times like today I love….when the three of them get along and come together to help me with things that they know are important to me. Will any of them sit in my gazebo? Probably not. But they know how important it is to me. They do really like the table I found for the deck. I think it will be a good spot to have some time with each of them. Anna comes home again the first weekend in May and is looking forward to helping me with plants then. She said she isn’t going to work that weekend so she will be able to give me all her time 🙂
I’m sad that Jason is missing this stage of parenting…when the older two are young adults…and Levi is just on the cusp…and I can see the “actual people” they are. Anna’s independence and drive are awe-inspiring. Yet she is so generous and intuitive. Seth’s intelligence, sense of humor, and easy going demeanor attract people to him like bees to honey. Add to that his sensitivity and empathy and he is so easy to be around. At only 15, Levi is still figuring himself out in a lot of ways. He still relies on me for a lot, but also takes me for granted a lot of the time. He’ll help me with things, but only if he’s in the mood. I see a lot of his best qualities in the way he treats his girlfriend. The respect and love he shows her make me so proud of him.
The three of them can get along really well…when they try. Anna and Levi tend to have very similar, more dominant personalities….which can lead to some conflict…but they also have some similar interests. Anna’s more extroverted personality tends to drive introverted Seth nuts. He spends more time in his room when she is home. He also tends to just give in to whatever his brother and sister want. I have to be more cognizant of making sure he isn’t getting overlooked in the mix.
I can sit for hours and “do” nothing. It’s a new talent in the past few months…since I bought my new desk really. I spend hours here…sitting here…usually with a couple dogs at my feet…watching the birds at the feeder…the squirrels underneath. Today Jason’s blue jays are decimating the peanuts I put out for them. The chickadees are enjoying any small seed or nut they can fit in their beak and fly away with. Three kinds of woodpeckers are at the suet. A pair of cardinals stopped by before the blue jays scared them away. Finches and nuthatches flitting in for their breakfast as well.
Sometimes I listen to music while I sit here. This morning it’s Dermot Kennedy in my ear buds. He’s usually my pick when I’m feeling lonely…out of sorts…and know I just need to sit in that for awhile. He sits with me a lot in my sadness.
Sometimes this is where my poems are born…and there are a few lines turning themselves over in my brain…but nothing ready for the page yet.
Today is Easter. The kids and I are going out to brunch. I’m also hoping they will help me out in the yard. I really want to get my gazebo set up now that it seems like Spring is finally here. Easter was always a quiet holiday for us. We usually never even did a big meal. Most of the time we spent it outside. Going to the park for a walk…bringing a picnic with egg salad sandwiches. A lot of times Jason’s brother Jeremy would be with us. Now it’s just the four of us…and I’m taking my time this morning before the kids are up to be sad about that.
Trying to keep the tears away tonight. Started my day out with a trip to the dentist for a cleaning. I would say “routine cleaning” but there was nothing routine about it as I hadn’t been in there for over 3 years. Jason and I and the kids have been going to the same dentist for years and years. I think I was pregnant with Seth (!?) when we first started going there. We quickly found our favorite hygienist and she got used to our pattern of back-to-back appointments so that we could swap the kids. She knew nothing about Jason getting glioblastoma and passing away. So of course, when she called me back and said “So good to see you! How have you guys been?” it was a gut-wrenching, tear-filled moment for both of us. And the whole time she was scraping years of plaque off my teeth (I really don’t recommend it) I could tell she was just shattered. I felt like I should apologize for giving her such bad news right away on a Monday morning. Luckily, I don’t have any cavities…but surprise, surprise…stress makes me clench my teeth when I sleep…so really sexy night guard coming right up. The dogs will be horrified.
April is also a tough month for me because it was three years ago this month that Jason’s behavior started being a little “off” and he was ultimately diagnosed with glioblastoma. So, every time I look out into my yard and think about what I want to do where….my mind goes right back to the day we were trying to measure for mulch and Jason couldn’t figure it out. And from there to the day we we got a call before we were in the door from the MRI. And from there to sitting in the neurosurgeon’s office and hearing “terminal brain cancer”, “glioblastoma”, “craniotomy”, “disability”. And I would give anything to go back to the bliss and ignorance of March 2020.
April 2020 is when I fell in love with the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. I love music, so of course there are lots of songs that take me back to different points in our relationship. This one…and I know I’m posted it here before…takes me right to those days after Jason was diagnosed when I wanted nothing more than to throw the covers over our heads and stay there forever.
This song is definitely on my list of “I Must Learn How to Play This on Piano”. I think I said in my last post that I bought a different online piano course (Pianote). It has been fantastic. Sitting at the piano gives my brain something to focus on when my thoughts start spinning out of control. This new method focuses more on learning chords…at least to start…which is working a lot better for me…and helping my hands work together…not an easy task! I’m finding success with a lot less frustration.
Last night I was thinking a lot about parenting. Just as I don’t consider myself single…I also don’t consider myself a single parent. I would never refer to myself that way. I’m just a Mom to three great kids whose Dad is only with them in spirit…but he’s still with them in every decision they make and in every bit of advice and guidance I give them. I wholeheartedly believe that if Jason were here he would be telling them the exact same things that I tell them.
Tonight Levi was sulking. I knew what he was sulking about but I kept asking him what was wrong and all I was getting was the “teenage eye roll”. Finally, I said to him “I know what you’re upset about. Do you want to talk about it and come up with a solution or keep sulking?” He looked at me…started talking…and we worked it out. At the end of the conversation I said “I love you. Maybe next time just talk to your Momma instead of sulking” and I got a “yeah”. We’re figuring each other out. It’s just extra hard when I’m “by myself” and my emotional energy is often so tapped out. But I’ll take the small victories.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 