Three years ago today Jason had his first MRI…of what would be many…and we got the call that he had a brain tumor. The very next day we met with Dr. Hunt, the neurosurgeon, and heard the word “Glioblastoma” for the first time. And that is “the day everything changed”. Coincidentally, May is also Glioblastoma Awareness Month and Mental Health Month.
Grief has five pretty well-known stages…denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance….that in my experience are pretty much bullshit. While I have felt all of those…they definitely have not been in that order…and I go back and forth and around and around with them all the time. Kind of like they are all there in the background, but at any one moment I feel one…or even a couple…more strongly.
Anger is one of the hardest ones for me to handle. I know that I am angry for a lot of reasons. I’m angry at circumstances. I’m angry at God. I’m angry at my loved ones. I’m angry at our health care system. I’m angry at society. The list goes on and on. Most of the time, my anger gets tamped down because I don’t feel like it fixes anything. I draw it into myself…spend more time by myself…go “radio silent”…until I can “deal” again. Mostly, it’s when I’m sleeping that my anger comes out.
Anger Eyes snap open Jaw clenched tight Teeth begging for mercy Heart pounding Blood throbbing in every vessel Lungs fighting for air Brain and body working tandem Rescuing me Anger pulling me under Red so hot and dark it blackens Like the hottest coal in the fire Or the pits of Hell The coal sparks Ignites Strengthens in my dreams Morphs into a ball of fire Uncontrollable pain All-consuming Unable to contain it My mouth opens Raining flames of fire and hurt Mindlessly burning This world that has Deserted me But I live in another dimension now Even as a dragon of pain and anger In my unconscious The world is protected Doesn’t see me Doesn’t feel my heat The dragon lets out one more roar Tears of molten lava run down her cheeks The fire banks But the ember remains
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 