Tag: glioblastoma

Caught a Cold

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I caught a cold. I can’t even remember the last time I was sick. I was able to rest pretty much all of Sunday…other than carting Levi to and from tennis…and am home from work today. I miss Jason being here to take care of me. If he were here he would be taking care of all the kids’ stuff and all the house things so that I could just rest. He would be the one driving the kids to their activities, taking the dogs for a walk, making dinner, etc. He would often either take a day off work or work from home on days that I was sick. He would nag me to take medicine…which I hate doing…make sure I was drinking enough liquids. In the evening I would lay on the couch with my head in his lap while we watched a movie. If I had a headache he would give the best temple massages. And at night he would cuddle me in bed even if I was coughing or blowing my nose every few minutes and he couldn’t get any sleep.

I am very blessed and thankful for my friends that have been checking in on me. It’s not that I need anything really…every delivery driver in Apple Valley knows the way to my house I’m pretty sure…but it’s nice to feel loved.

2011

Four Months

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Today marks four months…only four months…already four months…eternity or a second…time is weird. I’m sitting here…wearing Jason’s dress shirt…the one he wore the last time he danced with me at his brother’s wedding…just 11 days before we said goodbye to him. I’m wrapped up in his quilt…the dogs at my side…drinking coffee…listening to music…writing. A pretty typical Saturday morning these days. Soon the boys will be up and we’ll go out to breakfast.

This week has been a horrible struggle for me. I have many moments where I think “I don’t want to be here anymore”….”I don’t want to do this anymore”…”I just want to be with Jason”. I am not suicidal by any means…I would never leave our kids…but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes think about getting in my car and just driving….where? I don’t know. Somewhere I can escape the pain. Impossible…I know.

In my head I know I will be okay…some day…but my heart is so very broken.

Thank you to everyone who tried to lift me up this week…with a hug…a glass of wine…dinner…an ear to listen…a text…a song…a cup of coffee…a shot of whiskey…a 3 ft tall gnome that dances and plays Christmas music. I appreciate all of you.

Photograph

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Spent a lot of time last night journaling and looking at pictures of happier times. Trying to pull myself up a bit. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

This morning I was listening to music on Spotify like I always do when I get ready for the day and Spotify randomly played me this version of Ed Sheeran’s “Photograph”. I love Ed…but this version…whole new level…so many tears

Drowning

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I’m feeling pretty rough today….really have been all week…or for a few weeks…months…I don’t know any more. Today is 17 weeks. Saturday will be 4 months. I get teary at work and get hugs from really whoever is willing to give me one…coworkers, members, it doesn’t matter. Went to the bank today and was choking back tears sitting at the banker’s desk. I cried during grief counseling today…not the norm…a lot of times we do more laughing than crying actually! I went out to dinner with a friend….felt better…and then got teary when I got in the car. Called my Mother and Father-in-law and talked with them fine…and then cried after I hung up. I want Jason here to cheer me up in all the ways he only knew how.

Drowning in Grief

Sometimes I think I’m on the verge of being okay.
And then, just kidding, another wave pulls me away.

The shore is getting further and further in the distance.
I’m getting pulled under without much resistance.

Living without my love beside me
Is like swimming with a missing limb in the sea.

There are sharks all around
Watching and waiting for me to drown.

My tribe cheers me on as I swim in the storm
Alone…this is my new norm.

Tired…so tired.

I would do anything for a rest on the beach
With my love right beside me in my reach.

But he has gone where I can’t see
The water gets deeper as my tears run free.
Photo by Aaron Ulsh on Pexels.com

Vampires

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I sat down to write tonight and started listening to music instead. I came across this song…”If We Were Vampires”…by an artist I had never heard of before…Jason Isbell. It is a poetically beautiful song and very fitting because it is about ideas that have been going through my head a lot lately.

After Jason was diagnosed, I honestly would have done ANYTHING to trade places with him. Seeing the person I love most in this world in pain and losing parts of himself bit by bit…slowly. Confused…unsure of himself…unable to make the simplest of decisions. He did not deserve any of that and it was excruciating to not be able to do anything to make it better.

And now I think he’s the lucky one, because this pain…this being the one left behind…being alone…looking into a future without him in it…sucks.

"Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone"
--Jason Isbell

I wish we would’ve had 40 years…

Sunday Tired Day

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I’m just feeling fully exhausted today…and not the type that can be solved with a nap. It was great having Anna home this weekend and having more time with our kids…but also tiring not having much down time and trying to keep my mood up for them. I’m continually working on getting accounts and whatnot switched over to my name…lots of frustrations and roadblocks with that. Work has been frustrating and stressful…thank God for awesome coworkers at least. Health issues in my extended family are causing me worry and stress and flashbacks to taking care of Jason. All of that combined with deeply missing Jason…and then the holiday season…I just want to get in bed…pull Jason’s quilt up over me…and stay there all day.

I have read a fair amount of articles about getting through the holidays without your loved one. The common thread through all of them has been “don’t do what you don’t feel like doing”. Honestly, none of the authors of those articles must have had kids, because that is complete bullshit. I don’t feel like doing any of the normal holiday things…but when I ask our kids what they want to do, they want to do all of our usual traditional things…so that’s what we’ll do…and I’m already exhausted just thinking about it. I know that they desperately just want things to feel “normal”.

One of the things that I always enjoyed so much about the holidays was just the extra time together. I loved the long Thanksgiving weekend…start it out with family…but then spend the rest quiet at home…just enjoying each other. And then at Christmas-time Jason would always have off work the whole week between Christmas and New Years…and that was my absolute FAVORITE. I loved having him home. We just loved spending time together.

Fondue! Christmas 2019

Thanksgiving Recap

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

The kids and I had a good Thanksgiving yesterday at Jason’s sister Jennifer’s house. I love being around them because I feel and see Jason in so many of the things that his family does…and I feel like he is extra smiling down on us and happy when we are together. This makes things extra emotional for me sometimes, but I think that’s okay.

The green bean casserole would have been his favorite…and his sister made it just the way he likes it. I had a hard time swallowing it past the lump in my throat. While everyone else ate their pie room temperature, his brother said “wait…I want mine heated in the microwave first”. Jason would have done the same thing with his apple pie. No way he would have eaten it without heating it up first.

After dinner his sister got out Uno and our kids played with their cousins and aunt and uncle. I was immediately transported back to all the Uno games we played after I first met Jason and Jeremy back in 1996. This was back in the first few months of school when I was still with my ex and Jason had a girlfriend back home in Red Wing. Jason, Jeremy, me, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend’s friend would sit around a table in the basement of Murray Hall and play Uno. It was the first time I was introduced to the “Fregien way” of playing Uno…which of course is the way they played yesterday. Jason would have been right there playing with them yesterday and letting me relax…just like he did at so many other family gatherings.

We were all tired when we got home and spent the rest of the day curled up in Jason’s quilt and watching movies.

Thank you to everyone who thought about us and prayed for us yesterday. I appreciated all the texts, emails, and other messages I received. We are blessed.

Thanksgiving

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Grief and Gratitude. I feel both so overwhelmingly today.

Thanksgiving

Dear God

Sometimes gratitude is difficult
When my heart is broke in two.
I don’t understand Your plan.
I’m confused and angry too.

But today as I sit at this table
Surrounded by those I love
I want to take this time to remember 
Your blessings from above.

You gave us three beautiful children.
They fill me with joy and pride.
I do my best to be their Mom
Without Jason by my side.

You gave me a wonderful family-
Both mine and Jason’s too.
We all grieve together
While he is there with You.

I have a wonderful group of friends.
When I need them they are there-
To cry to laugh to drink some wine
Or walk the dogs in the chilly air.

If this heartache has taught me anything
It’s that these are the most important things
The love of family and friends
Because you never know what the future brings.
Thanksgiving 2020

Happy Mama

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Anna is home for the weekend! We had some Mom/Anna time while the boys had tennis. Then we all watched a movie. It was a really good evening.

Last year when Anna was at school and Jason was sick he would always get really excited about her coming home….but he could never remember exactly when that was going to happen. He probably would have been asking me nonstop for the past two weeks “When’s Anna coming home again??”

Right now I’m just going to try to relish every second of having all my “chicks in my nest”.

Feeling Low

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Not in a great headspace today. Anna is coming home tomorrow so I’m trying to focus on that…but just feeling really down. Writing…listening to music…drinking wine…cuddling dogs.

Surviving

I miss living.
Feeling alive and whole
Knowing happiness and contentment
And the best love…always…and always.

Now I try
I try so hard
But I’m just surviving.
Spinning my wheels…round…and round.

Everything is fake
This can’t be real
Wake me from this nightmare
Groundhogs Day…again…and again.

I’m on edge all the time
My jaw clenched tight
There’s a chasm inside
A scream fighting to take over…and over…and over.

If I shatter into pieces
No one can put me back together
So I wake up in this fake life again
And keep on going…and going…and going.