Yesterday this quote popped up in my Facebook feed.
It resonated deeply with me. So tonight…when I should be sleeping, but sleep can be such a fickle bitch…I’m up trying to put my pain somewhere else…and for me that’s poetry.
Our Song
When the pain grows so big
It’s all I can feel
Time moves on but
Neglects to heal
I’m trying so hard
To find peace in this place
But tears keep on chasing
Each smile from my face
And as one year without you
Has come and gone
I feel more and more
Like I don’t belong
Our life was so beautiful
A symphony a song
We sang the melody
And the world played along
When my voice was weak
Yours was so strong
And as you forgot the words
I was there to lean on
Now I open my mouth
And nothing comes out
Our song has been silenced
Every note
And solo is so lonely
Every night alone
Not interested in a duet
Perfection’s come and gone
So as I wait for time to take me
I’ll hum our melody
And when we’re reunited
Our voices will sing free
Thank you to everyone who checked on me this weekend…let me know you were thinking about Jason…shared a memory. Thank you especially to my “angel in disguise” who drove to meet me at 9:30 on a Saturday night so that we could go out and toast Jason with a couple old fashioneds…and then told me in no uncertain terms that if I ever call her and say “sorry for bugging you” again she will “kick me in the shin”.
I tried my damndest to focus on good memories and happy times this weekend, but nothing is more sad…more final…than a birthday no longer celebrated…a number forever frozen…stopped way too soon. I’m so thankful that I was by his side for 25 of those years…raising our family…enjoying adventures and quiet times…happy times and sad times. I can honestly say that we never took a second of it for granted…we knew what we had…how lucky we were…and would comment on it often. How we were so thankful circumstances aligned and brought us together move-in weekend our Freshmen year at UW-Eau Claire.
When Jason was sick we would lie in bed and I would be crying about how “this isn’t fair”…and Jason in all his wisdom and grace…even with terminal brain cancer…would say “cancer doesn’t care” and point out to me that kids get cancer all the time…and that DEFINITELY isn’t fair. So…yes…while 43 years was not enough…he accepted that it was all he was given…and I miss him so much.
Today is Jason’s birthday. He would’ve turned 45. Jason was never one that wanted a shred of attention on him, so usually his birthday was a quiet affair…family dinner…going out for a drink at “our spot”…going for a walk…doing yardwork (“This could be the last nice weekend!”) His last birthday on Earth his greatest joy was getting out of the hospital and getting to come home!
These “special days” hit me like a ton of bricks. The “missing”…the “unfairness”….the “what should have been”…the “what was”…the loneliness…all right there on the surface. All of these feelings that I don’t really know what to DO with. Tears have been oozing out of my eyes so much this week I feel like the corners of my eyes are chapped. The boys and I went out for breakfast this morning. They aren’t comfortable taking trips down “memory lane” with me yet. A few passing comments about their Dad is usually about all they can handle. So now I’m back to sitting outside in my gazebo…fire, blanket, winter hat all in use today…trying to dig deeper inside myself…to just keep going.
I can’t remember if I’ve shared this song before or not, but it’s on my mind today…
A lot of people have been asking me for an update on how Linc is doing. His vet on Thursday confirmed that there is definitely something going on in his wrist/metacarpal area of his left front leg. The good news is that the area is stable side-to-side and that he is able to put some weight on it…he’s limping, but at least he’s not “tripoding”. Unfortunately, she couldn’t really tell more without doing a “stress xray”…basically taking xrays while his paw is being bent…because it’s the only way to really see the area where the injury is. That type of xray would have to be done under sedation. We decided to send his chart on to an orthopedic surgeon to see what she recommends because we didn’t want to risk having to put him through that twice…once at the regular vet and once at the specialist. So we’re in a holding pattern right now waiting to hear from the surgeon. He’s still limping around and on hard core exercise restriction…which I think is annoying Emmett more than him…ha!
Two years ago yesterday I took Jason to the ER because he was suddenly very confused and couldn’t form a coherent sentence. Turns out that the culprit was a seizure caused by swelling in his brain and another tumor/regrowth of the first tumor that necessitated a second surgery. When Jason was released from the hospital on Oct. 8 (his 43rd birthday) his quality of life was never the same. His vision was horribly affected. He was no longer able to drive, or even read easily. Tennis…his passion…was out of the question. My heart hurt for him so bad as he lost more and more of his independence. This time of year, as we approach his birthday, will always remind me of that turning point.
And of course, even when my mind keeps wandering back to 2020 life keeps happening here in 2022. One spot of good news…my siding, deck, and gutters are now completely finished. Deck railing were installed yesterday and gutters today. Just in time to get ready for winter…sigh.
So one big stress checked off the list…and some more added. Linc hurt his paw running down the deck steps after a squirrel on Sunday night. I took him to the ER Vet who determined he hurt something in his paw/wrist/metacarpal area. No fracture showed up on the xray. We were hoping it was just a sprain, but he isn’t improving…so he gets to visit his regular vet tomorrow to determine what next steps are. Poor guy is limping around and is so very sad. Hopefully the vet can get him feeling better tomorrow.
Holy emotional week. I don’t even know where to start. Monday and Tuesday my emotions were just so raw and right at the surface. Every time someone asked about my weekend I just wanted to break down in tears. Luckily, I have some really good friends at work who really love me and are always there for me…even when I go into the locker room to grab the dirty towels and end up crying in there for 10 minutes. I usually am able to hold it together at work a lot better than that. I think the weekend just revealed a whole new level to my new reality. The unfairness of life sucks…a lot.
The change in weather is also making me think about Jason’s birthday coming up (Oct. 8) and the looming Holidays. Plus, I keep hearing Jason’s voice in my ear telling me all the stuff to do outside. If I had a nickel for every time he would say “we have to get out and (insert outside job here) because this could be the last nice weekend”. I’m not ready for the “last nice weekend”. I just finally got my gazebo set up and my siding done!
The siding finally got done on Tuesday. I still don’t have gutters or railings on my deck…and no estimated date for those. So frustrating. But I do LOVE the siding. I was worried about how it would look next to the brick, but I think it works. I went to Menards today and got teary picking out new house numbers. Couldn’t decide what to get and just feeling all emotional about “our house” becoming “my house”. Too much change too soon maybe. I don’t know.
With all my emotions feeling so “ragged” and work being stressful I decided to try to focus on a few “self-care” things this week. I made sure I got my workout in every morning…even when I didn’t really want to. My back has been bothering me so I gave in to the message therapist at work who has been trying to get me on his table for the past five years. I told him I would do 30 minutes and just for my back. It was painful…but really helped a lot. All of my stress seems to go right to my back and tightens my muscles up so bad I can’t even move. On Wednesday I got a long over-due haircut…it had been a year! I also got together with a couple friends and had a nice phone call with my sister.
Today I am trying to enjoy a Saturday with no plans….easier said than done. I honored Jason’s voice in my ear and pulled a whole bunch of weeds out of the corner of the yard. I told myself I only had to fill up the dumpster…a trick I learned from Jason’s sister…and then I could be done. Let me tell you…a lot of weeds fit in that dang dumpster. Now the dogs and I are outside and I am in the gazebo. Trying to stave off the loneliness. One of my finds in Alexandria last weekend was a tray I can use to carry out all my “gazebo essentials”….beverages, portable speaker, book, laptop, lighter just in case the button start on the fire doesn’t work. It’s great!
Loneliness
Loneliness is so
Loud
In my head
Even in a room full of people
It’s Power
Is overwhelming
I turn my music up-
Drown
Out it’s relentless battering
Try to feel some
Connection
To the world outside
Drain my glass
Again
To numb the pain
Try to make sense of the
World
Or maybe just myself
I just spent the past five days vacationing in Alexandria with Jason’s family. It was a pretty emotional five days for me and really gave me a lot to process. There were moments where I was really having a good time…moments where I was ready to go home…moments where I just needed to be alone…moments where I hated feeling alone. I am extremely glad that I went, but holy shit it was A LOT.
This is the first time that Jason’s parents and his siblings and spouses have done any sort of vacation like this. Unfortunately, not all of them could make it…but hopefully next year, as I’m pretty sure it will become an annual thing. Spending time like that was priceless. I’m sad that they never planned something like this when Jason was alive because he would have absolutely loved it. But, maybe it is one of those things that takes a tragedy to set in motion…when we realize that life is too fleeting to keep putting things off for “next year”.
Being around Jason’s family for that length of time and navigating my place without him was difficult, but they are all fantastic and make me feel like I belong. I loved listening to stories…even heard some new ones I hadn’t before! They aren’t afraid to talk about Jason in front of me…and I LOVE that!
The hardest thing for me by far was just being around couples and how acutely that made me miss Jason’s presence beside me. Just watching all the little things going on around me. The little touches…cuddles…kisses…whispered conversation that couples do. Things they probably didn’t even realize they were doing. I was so jealous of all of that. Sitting by the fire last night I would have given anything to have Jason sitting next to me just to cuddle into his side and lay my head on his shoulder. Just that would have been heaven.
Yesterday was a kind of rainy day and instead of sitting in the cabin the couples paired off and made little plans of their own to do things…spend a little time by themselves. Jason and I would for sure have done the same thing…got out of the cabin for a little bit…found something to do by ourselves…got coffee…gone through a carwash…parked by a lake…who cares what it would have been. And that’s about the time I went into a bit of an emotional tailspin and knew I needed a break. I left the cabin by myself and drove to the lake that Jason and I celebrated our 20th anniversary at…parked at the public fishing pier right by the cabin and fell apart by myself for awhile. Coincidentally, that cabin is for sale so if someone has $250,000 laying around and wants to buy it for me that would be cool. A part of my heart is in that cabin. When I think back to the last time I was happy…it’s always there.
I came back to the cabin and went to my room and filled my head with music for awhile. Then, I was able to get my shit together and had a good time at Carlos Creek Winery and 22 Northmen Brewing Company in the afternoon. Sometimes a good beer or two helps to tone down the “noise” enough that I can interact and have fun. Don’t judge. We all have vices.
Now to get ready for another week ahead. Hopefully my siding will be finished in the next couple days. Would love to put a giant checkmark by that project!
I was out running errands this morning and suddenly a poem was writing itself in my brain. It’s been awhile since that’s happened. Lately it’s just bits and pieces…nothing coming out whole. So when my plans for the day changed…and I ended up with the rest of the day to myself…I took advantage of the nice day and took my laptop out to my gazebo.
Your Voice
My ears still long to hear
And my heart just can’t let go
Of the words falling from your lips
Engraved forever on my soul.
I don’t remember the first I love you
But I can’t forget the last
Who would have guessed the time between
Would have gone so fast
From “Good morning Babe” each dawn
To “I love you” at days end
All the texts and calls inbetween
Sometimes just a heart and then press send
Our walks in the evenings
“How was your day”
Sharing our stresses-
Suddenly everything is okay
After a long week-
Friday night out with friends
I look in your eyes and they speak to me-
I know how the night will end
And when our heads would share one pillow
Our voices just a whisper
No one else exists
Just us- our dreams and future
And now the silence
It’s deafening
My emotions at war
Loneliness has me spiraling
I try to find some peace
Deep within my psyche
Music and poetry are my saviors
When nothing else gets me
It fills the silence in my head
Puts words to my pain
Keeps me company
Until I hear your voice again
Today I turn 45. Jason and I were 42 when he was diagnosed…43 when he died…I survived 44 without him…and now 45.
I used to love my birthday because Jason would make it special for me. He would often take the day off of work just to spend time with me. Waking me up with a kiss on the back of my neck and a “Happy Birthday Babe” in my ear. Making me coffee. Figuring out a plan for the day. Usually it involved hiking in the woods or a daytrip somewhere. Nothing fancy. Sometimes we would go out for hibachi at Osaka with friends. I loved every second of it and would soak it up…filling up my cup of happiness.
And now I’m here…missing him…loving him…wanting him back here with me. This is not what 45 should look like. I don’t feel like going out. I don’t feel like celebrating. So today…on MY day…I am giving myself permission to feel sad. There have been other “special” days recently where I didn’t have the freedom to really feel my own feelings because concern for other people’s feelings crowded my own out. So today my “self-care” is letting myself feel sad.
My day hasn’t been miserable by any means. I got up this morning. Got my workout in. My coworkers treated me well…birthday donuts, cupcake, Caribou. Our kids are all home…although Anna is quarantined in her room with Covid. They bought fancy cupcakes and made a point of wishing me Happy Birthday. One of them even gave me a huge hug. We ordered Thai food for dinner. And now I’m going to drink wine…and just be. Unfortunately, it’s rainy out or I would definitely be by the fire in my gazebo.
This has been a week of trying to keep my anxiety and stress from spiraling out of control. I feel like I’m so tightly wound I’m gonna snap. Not sleeping well. And when I do sleep my stress infiltrates my dreams. Horrible.
Work has been really stressful the past two weeks. Lots of changes plus training three new people. My schedule changed, which for the most part has been good because I now have time to work out in the mornings before I start. Best thing ever. Other than the physical benefits it really does wonders for my mental health and gets my mind in a better place before I start work and interacting with people.
My siding project is the biggest mess right now. After waiting…getting pushed back…again…and again…they finally started working on my siding on Monday. They got the back and one side of my house looking like the picture below. I expected them to show up on Tuesday and continue working. No one showed up. Spent the morning trying to contact someone to find out what was going on. Finally got in touch with the guy in the office who said that my sofits were never delivered…so the project has to be stopped until those come. So…who knows when that will be. Why they can’t keep working on the rest I don’t know. He did tell me that a different project manager has been assigned to my project because I’ve been so frustrated with the other one. We’ll see if that helps. Right now I just want my project done and to be done with this company. Then I start to wonder if they treat all their customers this way or if they are just taking advantage of me…super shitty feeling.
Next week I am spending five days in a cabin Up North with my in-laws. I’m looking forward to it, but also getting super anxious about leaving my house….leaving the boys and dogs to take care of each other…this stupid project in limbo…ugh
I have been really enjoying my gazebo this week. I love it when it is chilly enough outside to flip the fire on. I could stare into the flames and listen to music for hours. Almost fell asleep out there the other night all cozy in my rumpl blanket. If you like to spend time outside you should look up rumpl blankets…like wrapping yourself up in a sleeping bag…but awesomer.
Dermot Kennedy has been getting lots of repeats on my playlist lately. Love his gravely Irish accent and the power in his voice. And his lyrics are pure poetry. This version of this song….magical
Having a rough night to end a rough, rough week. Missing Jason so very much…life is trampling me down and I really need him by my side to boost me back up and remind me that it’s all worthwhile…to give me back my joy…my optimism…my sparkle. I’m tired…something has to change. I’m tired of trying and trying and trying…and faking and faking and faking. Even when I have moments or even days that feel okay they are always followed by a downward plummet…that makes me question whether the okay moments are even worth it. More and more I just want to keep to myself and….I don’t know…just stop…
I’m losing whatever hope I ever had that someday I will make it back to “okay” or even “good”. Every day just…IS…a flat existence…like when Jason died he took a whole dimension of my world…of myself…with him…and now I’m flat…2 dimensional…like paper…easily crumpled…ripped…abused. Every morning I try to give myself dimension…fold myself up like origami…but it doesn’t work for long…I just end up with thousands of extra creases…wearing thinner…more vulnerable. And the struggle is harder the next day.
For those I see during the day…when I’m keeping myself together…they see someone who is “doing fine”….who is “strong”. They all miss the “falling apart” which usually starts on my drive back home…when I can feel my folds coming undone…one…at…a…time…until I walk back into my house that never feels quite like home anymore…and I’m paper-flat once more.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 