Holy emotional week. I don’t even know where to start. Monday and Tuesday my emotions were just so raw and right at the surface. Every time someone asked about my weekend I just wanted to break down in tears. Luckily, I have some really good friends at work who really love me and are always there for me…even when I go into the locker room to grab the dirty towels and end up crying in there for 10 minutes. I usually am able to hold it together at work a lot better than that. I think the weekend just revealed a whole new level to my new reality. The unfairness of life sucks…a lot.
The change in weather is also making me think about Jason’s birthday coming up (Oct. 8) and the looming Holidays. Plus, I keep hearing Jason’s voice in my ear telling me all the stuff to do outside. If I had a nickel for every time he would say “we have to get out and (insert outside job here) because this could be the last nice weekend”. I’m not ready for the “last nice weekend”. I just finally got my gazebo set up and my siding done!
The siding finally got done on Tuesday. I still don’t have gutters or railings on my deck…and no estimated date for those. So frustrating. But I do LOVE the siding. I was worried about how it would look next to the brick, but I think it works. I went to Menards today and got teary picking out new house numbers. Couldn’t decide what to get and just feeling all emotional about “our house” becoming “my house”. Too much change too soon maybe. I don’t know.
With all my emotions feeling so “ragged” and work being stressful I decided to try to focus on a few “self-care” things this week. I made sure I got my workout in every morning…even when I didn’t really want to. My back has been bothering me so I gave in to the message therapist at work who has been trying to get me on his table for the past five years. I told him I would do 30 minutes and just for my back. It was painful…but really helped a lot. All of my stress seems to go right to my back and tightens my muscles up so bad I can’t even move. On Wednesday I got a long over-due haircut…it had been a year! I also got together with a couple friends and had a nice phone call with my sister.
Today I am trying to enjoy a Saturday with no plans….easier said than done. I honored Jason’s voice in my ear and pulled a whole bunch of weeds out of the corner of the yard. I told myself I only had to fill up the dumpster…a trick I learned from Jason’s sister…and then I could be done. Let me tell you…a lot of weeds fit in that dang dumpster. Now the dogs and I are outside and I am in the gazebo. Trying to stave off the loneliness. One of my finds in Alexandria last weekend was a tray I can use to carry out all my “gazebo essentials”….beverages, portable speaker, book, laptop, lighter just in case the button start on the fire doesn’t work. It’s great!
Loneliness Loneliness is so Loud In my head Even in a room full of people It’s Power Is overwhelming I turn my music up- Drown Out it’s relentless battering Try to feel some Connection To the world outside Drain my glass Again To numb the pain Try to make sense of the World Or maybe just myself
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 