I just spent the past five days vacationing in Alexandria with Jason’s family. It was a pretty emotional five days for me and really gave me a lot to process. There were moments where I was really having a good time…moments where I was ready to go home…moments where I just needed to be alone…moments where I hated feeling alone. I am extremely glad that I went, but holy shit it was A LOT.
This is the first time that Jason’s parents and his siblings and spouses have done any sort of vacation like this. Unfortunately, not all of them could make it…but hopefully next year, as I’m pretty sure it will become an annual thing. Spending time like that was priceless. I’m sad that they never planned something like this when Jason was alive because he would have absolutely loved it. But, maybe it is one of those things that takes a tragedy to set in motion…when we realize that life is too fleeting to keep putting things off for “next year”.
Being around Jason’s family for that length of time and navigating my place without him was difficult, but they are all fantastic and make me feel like I belong. I loved listening to stories…even heard some new ones I hadn’t before! They aren’t afraid to talk about Jason in front of me…and I LOVE that!
The hardest thing for me by far was just being around couples and how acutely that made me miss Jason’s presence beside me. Just watching all the little things going on around me. The little touches…cuddles…kisses…whispered conversation that couples do. Things they probably didn’t even realize they were doing. I was so jealous of all of that. Sitting by the fire last night I would have given anything to have Jason sitting next to me just to cuddle into his side and lay my head on his shoulder. Just that would have been heaven.
Yesterday was a kind of rainy day and instead of sitting in the cabin the couples paired off and made little plans of their own to do things…spend a little time by themselves. Jason and I would for sure have done the same thing…got out of the cabin for a little bit…found something to do by ourselves…got coffee…gone through a carwash…parked by a lake…who cares what it would have been. And that’s about the time I went into a bit of an emotional tailspin and knew I needed a break. I left the cabin by myself and drove to the lake that Jason and I celebrated our 20th anniversary at…parked at the public fishing pier right by the cabin and fell apart by myself for awhile. Coincidentally, that cabin is for sale so if someone has $250,000 laying around and wants to buy it for me that would be cool. A part of my heart is in that cabin. When I think back to the last time I was happy…it’s always there.
I came back to the cabin and went to my room and filled my head with music for awhile. Then, I was able to get my shit together and had a good time at Carlos Creek Winery and 22 Northmen Brewing Company in the afternoon. Sometimes a good beer or two helps to tone down the “noise” enough that I can interact and have fun. Don’t judge. We all have vices.
Now to get ready for another week ahead. Hopefully my siding will be finished in the next couple days. Would love to put a giant checkmark by that project!
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 