Happy 21st Anna!

Today is Anna’s 21st Birthday…and I’ve been fighting the melancholy all day. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of hiding it, but it’s definitely there. The big milestone days are always so hard. They’re when the “empty” beside me seems bigger…

My sister-in-law Jackie and I spent a glorious day in Eau Claire on Saturday celebrating Anna’s birthday. We watched her play in the marching band and took her out to a Mexican restaurant for birthday dinner. The weather was perfect…the company excellent…and the drinks delicious.

On Sunday my boys moved my fire table up onto the deck for me so that I can enjoy it all winter long. Marvelous idea. I’m hoping that it will help me get through the dark/cold months up ahead. Jackie commented that I will probably need a separate budget for propane. I’m sure she’s right. I absolutely adore sitting by a fire.

Tomorrow I’m taking Levi to the DMV to get his driving permit. Another big event that makes me miss Jason more. I did not teach Anna and Seth how to drive AT ALL. Anna did 100% of her driving with Jason. Usually driving him around neighborhoods so that he could play Pokemon Go!…lol. Gratefully, a friend of ours took Seth under his wing last fall and taught him how to drive. Another time when I just have to “Throw my hair up in a bun. Put on my big girl pants. And do it”. I’m so tired of having to do that. Levi is very excited though…and I think he will be a really good driver. He’s very motivated to be able to get to his girlfriend’s house on his own…lol

This week also marks 15 months since Jason passed away. 3 months into the second year and I feel like it is so much harder than that first year. A lot of the first year is just a numb blur. Now reality sets in more…and more… And reality really sucks. And as reality is just setting in for my kids and I…society thinks we should be okay…that we should have adjusted….”moved on”…etc. And that is so far from the truth. We may have found a daily routine….and look like we are doing fine on the outside…but inside we are still shattered in a million pieces and sifting through the rubble.