Tag: glioblastoma

I dipped down to one of the lowest points I have been in awhile this past week. It was one of those times that it was not the never-ending physical loneliness that cut me down, but the emotional loneliness. The knowing that there is not a single person out there who honestly understands how I feel. There are people who can come close…like my friends who are widows…but even their circumstances are different. Just like I don’t know how it feels for my husband to die quickly and unexpectantly, they don’t know how my experience feels. Do I want my friends and family to know exactly how I feel? Of course not! They know how losing Jason feels to them, but it is a different experience than losing the love of your life. I’m not saying that their grief is not as deep or as painful as mine…just different.

Of course, those lowest points always hit in the middle of the night…when the physical loneliness is also at it’s worst and the empty side of the bed feels like it is the only thing that matters.

Tears at Night

I need your arms around me
Your thumbs catching my tears
Whispering I love you
Erasing all my fears

The tears are pooling on my pillow
As I pull the covers tight
And fears are running rampant
In the dark of night

I’m a hostage to my sobs
Attacking with no mercy
Emotion beaten down too long
Is nothing if not messy

The sobs have run their course
Release me from their grasp
Flip the pillow to the dry side
Wish for sleep to find me fast

And then the alarm goes off the next morning…and the last thing that I want to do is function…but I have to…and I’m still teary-eyed when I get into work…and it takes me longer than usual to get in “work mode”. I’m grateful for my tribe who are at the other end of a text or phone call at times like that.

Yesterday this flower opened up. I think just to remind me that I’m still capable of “creating” beautiful things. I have gone from single-handedly decimating all of Anna’s house plants about a year ago to not only keeping them all alive, but keeping them all thriving…and flowering. I now have over 60 plants in my house that I am constantly “babying”. I think sometimes even Anna thinks I’m whacked when I facetime her just so I can show off a new leaf. I started thinking of names for them…and then decided that was crazy.

Today we woke up to 8 inches of snow on the ground…not exactly a welcome sight…but I’ve had a really good day today. Seth…who has been an immense help lately…cleared the driveway with the help of the neighbor’s snowblower. I don’t think ours would have stood a chance with this wet stuff. I put a huge pot of chili on the stove. Made chocolate chip cookies…which Levi enjoyed especially. Practiced the piano with the help of a new online program I invested in. Talked to my sister on the phone. Watched the snow melt and the birds at the feeder. And thought a lot about resilience.

Resilience

Woke up this morning
To a world blanketed in 
White

Unwelcome snow
Crushing spirits in
April

The winter has been
Hard enough
Why now?

Don’t we deserve the 
Green life of
Spring?

I look out the front window
My poor birch tree
Flattened.

The weight of
Snow and ice
Overwhelming

My first instinct is to
Go out and
Help

Knock the snow off
Her branches
Rescue her

But what if her branches
Are encased in ice and 
Brittle?

And helping ease her
Weight will cause them to
Snap?

So I wait with
Bated breath
Hopeful

The the sun’s warmth
Will bring her back to
Life

In her own time
She will stand tall
Again.

The re-entry into “real life” has been a little bit rough this week. I learned that with subsequent vacations I really need to give myself a day off before going back to work. I don’t do well handling the week when I am running on a huge sleep deficit right away Monday morning.

A couple of good things this week though. Seth and I have continued to really build our relationship. He comes upstairs and actually asks me how my day was. I also bought a subscription to Tennis TV since we no longer have cable. Best investment ever. It’s $120 for a year subscription and Seth and I have “tennis dates”. Tonight it was just he and I home so we watched both Indian Wells Men’s Semifinal matches and ordered in from a Japanese restaurant he has been wanting to try. Super low-key and fun.

Anna also came home last night and is home for the next week on Spring Break. Of course, she is working most days…but still feels good to have her home. Her and I were talking out plans for the backyard today….where we are going to plant things and whatnot. Last summer with getting new siding, deck, and fence it felt like we were “under construction” for the majority of it. This summer we are dreaming big dreams. A little tricky since she will be in South Africa the whole month of June, but she has assured me that we will have time to get planting and pots done before she goes. She gets my need to have “peaceful spaces”.

I already bought one new plant that is going to find a home in my backyard this summer…and is living on my desk until then…

Tree of Enchantment

Salix Caprea Pendula
Tree of Enchantment
Hand Grafted Weeping Pussy Willow

Sitting lonely on a storeshelf
Your trunk and bare branches
Passed over

Overshadowed by the
Romance of the rose
Hope in the tulip and the daffodil

Yet you call to me
As a kindred spirit
Strength in your sadness

Unapologetic about yourself
Your branches bending
But resilient

And I tuck you in my cart
I will care for you
Even in your sadness

Sit beside you
And listen to your branches
Telling your story in the wind

And I will never ask you to change
Hide yourself
Be anything but who you are

We had a great time watching tennis yesterday. We watched Kokkinakis v Arnaldi. Such amazing tennis. The points were crazy. The first set I think every game went to deuce several times. And we were sitting so close…just amazing. We also watched the first couple of sets of Popyrin v Daniel before our Minnesota skin had enough sun and we headed back to the house. I think the temp got up to like 73ish yesterday and it felt more like 80. I’m not complaining about that at all!

Spent the rest of the day relaxing by the pool and enjoying the hot tub and fire table outside at our house.

I am having a really good time. It feels good to get away from the norm for awhile and the sun is working wonders on my psyche for sure. I’m more relaxed than I have been in a long while…no doubt about that. It’s difficult to stay present in the now…making new memories…enjoying this time and all that it has to offer. I really, really try…but countless times a day I think of Jason and how he would have loved this…and it makes me so sad that he never got to experience anything like this…and all I can really do is be grateful that I am able to experience this with our boys.

And then there are the moments that I just miss vacationing with my husband. The quiet times when it would have been just he and I relaxing and connecting in different ways than we did in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. When we would be having fun and just enjoying each other’s company. And those are the moments that it’s hard to breathe and that lump in my throat comes back.

Present Sadness

Surrounded
By people
I love

Still you
Fill
My thoughts

Be present
Live now
Make memories

I’m trying but
My heart
Hurts

There’s this lump in my throat. It won’t go away. I think it just lives there now. You know that lump that you get when you feel like you’re on the verge of tears. And my eyes feel tired and gritty, and my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching. I don’t really have a headache, but just this tightness that won’t go away. And my jaw hurts from clenching…holding back words…thoughts…emotions…I don’t even know. I feel irritated with just about everyone. Some of it justified…some maybe not. I feel like there are people that want pieces of me…what me in their lives…to care about and show interest in what they have going on….but they don’t really want to be in mine. Does that make sense? I could just be imagining it…I honestly don’t know anymore sometimes what’s real and what’s made up in my head. All I know is hurt inside. I know they say that hearts get “broken”…but it’s more like a shredding. It doesn’t feel like there are any pieces that can be put back together.

I wake up in the morning and feel so numb and on autopilot that I turn into the groomer and realize I forgot the dogs at home. And just that little mistake sends the tears running down my face. And all I can think is “Get your shit together Marie”.

And I get to work and try to lose myself in my job that I am damn good at and take pride in. But tensions are high…people are upset…changes happening again. And it’s all constantly coming at me like a battering ram. And I just want to put my head down…do my job…and go home. But to what? Home sucks. Loneliness. Empty spaces. No one to relax with. Wind down with. Talk with about the day. Release all this tension built up inside. So it keeps building…building…building. And my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching.

And next week I am going on vacation. And I need to get ready for that. Check more things off the damned list. And all I can do is hope that the sunshine will help relax me…maybe melt this lump in my throat a little. But the fear is there that it may just be worse. I don’t know. I don’t feel right vacationing without Jason. I don’t want to go without my person.

Safe Haven

Even when he was dying
His arms made me feel safe
Like everything would be alright
Even when I knew it wasn't

I miss that feeling