glioblastoma – Page 11 – Love, Tennis, and Cancer

California Day 6

Posted on March 11, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

We all welcomed a low key day yesterday after a long day of tennis watching the day before. Had a lazy morning and then the boys and I headed over to the Marriott Resort that Erik is staying at. Honestly, it is a tennis lover’s paradise. Something like 13 hard courts, 3 clay courts, and 2 grass courts. Seth had played a Father/Son tournament with Jason on clay courts a few years back, but had never played on grass. Levi hadn’t played on either surface. They played an hour on clay and an hour on grass. I even had to try out the grass a little bit. I loved it…probably because it was a slower surface and the ball didn’t bounce up so high. Kinda getting the itch to try to pick up my racquet again after watching so much tennis…and then hitting again for 5 minutes…we’ll see!

Luckily Mother Nature waited until after we were done playing tennis to bring us our obligatory rain on vacation. We were sitting in the hot tub when the rain came and decided to bail on that plan and hit In and Out. Erik was talking it up so much as a “must do”…and Seth kept giving me puppy dog eyes…so I caved. I think that the closest thing that I would describe it to that we have at home is Five Guys. They do this thing called “animal style” where they put melted cheese and extra sauce and fried onions on your burger and/or your fries. I decided to go “all in” and got both my burger and my fries like that…somehow forgetting that I really don’t like it when my food is “messy”. It was “eh” for me, but I’m glad that we tried it!

After In and Out we headed back to the house and ended up watching tennis on TV…lol. Berrettini played last night. Unfortunately, he lost…so my Matteo watching days are over…for now.

Today we are heading back to Indian Wells. I think it will be another long day since Tiafoe is playing doubles this evening and he is on the “must see” list.

Tomorrow morning we head back to Minnesota. It will be a bit of a rough re-entry into reality going from this California weather back to all the snow that has come down in MN while we’ve been gone. The two hour time difference, plus losing an hour for daylight savings is also going to majorly screw up everyone’s internal clock. I’m ready to be back home though. Lots of really great memories have been made on this trip and it was really fun, but also exhausting! It is always a little bit tricky…especially when vacationing with other people…to get that right mixture of “stuff” and “downtime”. This vacation ended up being a little heavy on the “stuff”…but that’s okay!

California Day 5

Posted on March 10, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

Yesterday was a big tennis day. I think we were at Indian Wells from about 10am-8:30pm. I started my day watching Berrettini and Tiafoe’s practices for a little bit. Everyone is enjoying thoroughly teasing me about my love of Berrettini…but that’s okay. If I can get within 20 feet of him practicing you can bet your ass I’m gonna do it.

Then I joined up with the boys to watch Wawrinka v Vukic and Shelton v Fognini. Wawrinka and Shelton won those matches. We took a lunch break and then caught the last half of Wolf v Fucsovics, which Fucsovics won. There were some really good doubles matches happening last night so we staked out our seats in that stadium and watched Stearns and Masarova grind it out. Stearns, the American, pulled that one out in three sets. What a battle.

It was a good thing that we got our seats when we did because I think everyone in the whole place was trying to snag seats for the doubles. First doubles match was Fritz/Paul v Evans/Peers. I think the whole stadium was hoping Fritz/Paul would make more of a match out of it but they lost 3-6, 3-6. The second match was FAA/Shapo v Rune/Shelton. Holy buckets. So much talent on that court. And I tell you what…nothing like watching tennis and the sun go down over the mountains at the same time.

I’m not gonna lie…watching the doubles was unexpectantly emotionally challenging for me. Doubles was Jason’s game. All that fast hands net play. He would have loved sitting next to me watching the pros last night. Damn…some of those points…so amazing. Doubles is also fun to watch because the players are a little more relaxed and their love of the game and how fun it is really shows.

Today is a bit of a more low key day. The boys and I are going to hang out with Erik. He is staying at a hotel that has grass and clay courts and the boys are looking forward to playing with him and trying out those surfaces. I’m hoping to snag a little more reading time outside by the pool.

California Day 4

Posted on March 9, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

Yesterday we ventured out to the Living Desert Zoo and Gardens. If you are ever in the Palm Springs area I would highly recommend it. We saw a lot of different kinds of animals and plants than the Minnesota Zoo…that’s for sure. They also have all of these colorful animal statues throughout that are pretty impressive.

There were lots of hummingbirds flitting about which kind of surprised me since there really aren’t a lot of flowers, but there are these tiny ones.

It was also the first time I have been in awe of palm trees. They have a palm tree grove that is like the sequoia of palm trees that I really loved.

After the zoo we headed to Downtown Palm Springs and met up with our good friend Erik. He lived in MN until last summer when he moved to Charlotte. He is in Palm Springs for the tennis tournament as well. Anytime we get to see Erik is good. We really miss him.

Today is back to tennis! I think Seth has our line-up planned out. He does a really good job of leading us to the matches that are the best to watch. Levi just needs to know when and where his next meal is coming from 🙂

California Day 3

Posted on March 8, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

We had a great time watching tennis yesterday. We watched Kokkinakis v Arnaldi. Such amazing tennis. The points were crazy. The first set I think every game went to deuce several times. And we were sitting so close…just amazing. We also watched the first couple of sets of Popyrin v Daniel before our Minnesota skin had enough sun and we headed back to the house. I think the temp got up to like 73ish yesterday and it felt more like 80. I’m not complaining about that at all!

Spent the rest of the day relaxing by the pool and enjoying the hot tub and fire table outside at our house.

I am having a really good time. It feels good to get away from the norm for awhile and the sun is working wonders on my psyche for sure. I’m more relaxed than I have been in a long while…no doubt about that. It’s difficult to stay present in the now…making new memories…enjoying this time and all that it has to offer. I really, really try…but countless times a day I think of Jason and how he would have loved this…and it makes me so sad that he never got to experience anything like this…and all I can really do is be grateful that I am able to experience this with our boys.

And then there are the moments that I just miss vacationing with my husband. The quiet times when it would have been just he and I relaxing and connecting in different ways than we did in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. When we would be having fun and just enjoying each other’s company. And those are the moments that it’s hard to breathe and that lump in my throat comes back.

Present Sadness

Surrounded
By people
I love

Still you
Fill
My thoughts

Be present
Live now
Make memories

I’m trying but
My heart
Hurts

California Days 1-2

Posted on March 7, 2023March 7, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

The boys and I made it to Cali on Sunday morning. First order of business was finding food for a “starving” 15 year old! We found a cute little brunch spot. It had a patio outside that was unoccupied because it was “chilly”. We told the server that we just flew in from Minnesota…for the love of God put us outside! We thought the weather was perfect for eating outside. More brave souls started to sit outside as well…and they turned on the patio heaters. Cali blood is weak…lol. We also discovered at brunch that in Cali it is unheard of to order a chaser with Bloody Mary’s. The waitress looked at Cheryl and I like we were nuts. We ended up ordering a bottle of beer to split with our Bloody’s. So interesting!

Other than that…we went grocery shopping and got settled into our house.

Yesterday was day 1 of tennis. We watched a couple matches and I got to watch one of my favorite players practice…Mateo Berrettini. I mean…his TENNIS is just beautiful…lol.

The boys are happy. It is so nice to see their smiles. Tennis and lots of time with their uncle checks a lot of boxes for them. I’m doing okay. I can feel my sensitive Seth keeping his eye on me. Never denying me when I need to lean in on him just a little bit.

Coincidentally, Levi’s girlfriend is here at the same time. They were able to watch a little tennis together yesterday

Today is another tennis day!

California

The sun seeps in
Bringing warmth
To a body
Gone cold

Alien environment
Lemon tree
Mistaken for an orange
Until too late

Bit into the juicy flesh
Every cell of my body
United in the same thought
Rejection

Instead of friendly maples and oaks
Lending their shade
The landscape is dominated
By cacti of all shapes and sizes

Palm trees stand sentinel
Their fronds bursting from the top
Like a sleepy child’s bedhead
Unruly and comical

No sign of lush grassy lawns
Sand rules every landscape
The patches of grass
Struggle to hold on

In the distance
Mountains
Purple giants
With white hats

The absence of blue
Is startling
Lakes, rivers, ponds
Nonexistent

There are bushes filled
With pink flowers
I applaud them for softening
The edges of the drab

How is it that thousands
Call this place home
But the environment feels
So desolate

California desert
Harsh beauty
Unapologetic fight
For survival

That Lump in Your Throat

Posted on March 2, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

There’s this lump in my throat. It won’t go away. I think it just lives there now. You know that lump that you get when you feel like you’re on the verge of tears. And my eyes feel tired and gritty, and my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching. I don’t really have a headache, but just this tightness that won’t go away. And my jaw hurts from clenching…holding back words…thoughts…emotions…I don’t even know. I feel irritated with just about everyone. Some of it justified…some maybe not. I feel like there are people that want pieces of me…what me in their lives…to care about and show interest in what they have going on….but they don’t really want to be in mine. Does that make sense? I could just be imagining it…I honestly don’t know anymore sometimes what’s real and what’s made up in my head. All I know is hurt inside. I know they say that hearts get “broken”…but it’s more like a shredding. It doesn’t feel like there are any pieces that can be put back together.

I wake up in the morning and feel so numb and on autopilot that I turn into the groomer and realize I forgot the dogs at home. And just that little mistake sends the tears running down my face. And all I can think is “Get your shit together Marie”.

And I get to work and try to lose myself in my job that I am damn good at and take pride in. But tensions are high…people are upset…changes happening again. And it’s all constantly coming at me like a battering ram. And I just want to put my head down…do my job…and go home. But to what? Home sucks. Loneliness. Empty spaces. No one to relax with. Wind down with. Talk with about the day. Release all this tension built up inside. So it keeps building…building…building. And my eyelid keeps twitch…twitch…twitching.

And next week I am going on vacation. And I need to get ready for that. Check more things off the damned list. And all I can do is hope that the sunshine will help relax me…maybe melt this lump in my throat a little. But the fear is there that it may just be worse. I don’t know. I don’t feel right vacationing without Jason. I don’t want to go without my person.

Safe Haven

Even when he was dying
His arms made me feel safe
Like everything would be alright
Even when I knew it wasn't

I miss that feeling

Exhausted Rambles

Posted on February 25, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

I’m tired and teary tonight. Way overtired…so I’m sure that has a lot to do with the tears. Physically tired…absolutely…can’t remember the last time I slept well…but also emotionally and mentally spent. This week has just been A LOT….a lot of stress…a lot of brushing off of careless words…a lot of handling things on my own. I know that I’m strong and can do hard things…I just don’t want to effing have to…I’m tired.

Ironically, I actually had a pretty good day today. Seth helped me get my car in for service…overdue for an oil change and had so much ice and snow jammed up in the wheel wells the whole car was shaking when I went over 60…lovely Minnesnowta problem. Levi had tennis in Eden Prairie so I went to watch him. He lost, but still always fun to watch him play. Since I was in my sister’s neck of the woods I texted her and we got together for a few hours. All good stuff. A good Saturday.

And then I came home and just lost it. Sometimes the “good” is hard. I want to be able to sit with Jason and watch our kid play tennis. I want to get together with my sister and then come home and talk to Jason about it. I want he and I to be the partners we always were with all the “life stuff”…like oil changes. Like I said, I know that I can do it by myself…or the boys can help me with some things…maybe I should even be proud of myself. But right now…I’m just in survival mode so much of the time…I’m just getting through day-by-day what I have to do.

I have vacation coming up in a few weeks. Going to Palm Springs with the boys to watch the BNP tennis tournament at Indian Wells. I’m trying to look forward to it…say all the right words at all the right times…and it hopefully will be relaxing once we are there…but so much stress with that too. Solidifying plans for the dogs…ride to the airport and back…getting shifts covered at work…what to pack…trying to think of all the things that Jason would usually do because those are the things I will forget…constantly feeling sad because we’re going without Jason to a professional tennis tournament (again). He would be so excited right now. I feel like an imposter…I’m trying really hard to be excited, but I’m so sad. Tennis was his thing. He should be the one doing this with our boys. The three of them would have loved that so much.

I just don’t know if I can “vacation”. I tried to vacation last summer too and ended up cancelling all our plans. Maybe it’s just that I know vacation isn’t going to fix any damn part of what’s wrong with my life. I’m afraid I’m just going to miss him harder in a different place.

So rambly tonight and I haven’t even been drinking. Probably should just go to bed.

Ephemeral Me

I want my life
To feel real again

For me to be MYSELF

For happy
Content
Optimistic
Smiling
Fun
Laughing
Peaceful
Secure
Loved

Are my default ways of being
Instead of ephemeral

But that is an impossible dream
And the nightmare reality.

Anxiety

Posted on February 23, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

Anxiety. Has been a very real constant companion lately.

The Hydra

Anxiety whispers in my ear
Lists
Every
Thing
That can go wrong
Infinite possibilities in a second

Every text from my kids
Tragedy
Accident
Sickness
Their names on the caller id?
My heart pounds out of my chest

Sleepless nights
Worrying
Panicking
Tossing
Turning
Staring at an empty pillow

One of my deepest fears realized
Anxiety laughs
Tightens her grip
On my emotions
Reminds me
Tragedy is possible

Safety
Security
Happiness
Reality?
Illusion?
Myth?

I try to laugh at Anxiety
Call her out
Force her into the Light
Banish her to Darkness
Take away her Power
Cut off her head

But she is like a hydra
Sprouting heads
Again and again
Laughing
Louder and louder
At me

I never would have labeled myself as an anxious person, but now…looking back on my life there are a few things that I always have had unfounded fears about. One of those fears Jason really helped me work through…and that is driving. He knew how much anxiety driving on highways gave me and instead of making fun of, or teasing me about it, he gave me little tips and tricks to help me feel in control of my anxiety. I still hear his voice in my head a lot when I am driving on highways…calming me down….telling me which lanes to get in on certain highways so that I’m in the right spot for where I want to exit. He knew part of my anxiety was because of my horrible sense of direction, so he bought me a GPS for my car as soon as they were a thing. One of the best gifts ever. He would also take me on a trial drive if he could tell that I was anxious about going somewhere….like a new job in Downtown Minneapolis a few years back. He knew just what to do and say to give me confidence.

Now driving anxiety is creeping back in because Levi is learning how to drive…and I’m supposed to be teaching him !? I am constantly having to hide my anxiety from Levi…and truthfully don’t always do a good job. Third kid…you would think this would be old hat…but I had nothing to do with teaching Anna or Seth to drive. Jason taught Anna and a family friend taught Seth. I hate every second of it.

I always had anxiety about losing Jason….always in a car accident. I would often catch myself when I knew he would be driving home from work…or a tennis match…making mental plans in my head. Something along these lines “If I get the call right now I’ll have to arrange someone to pick up Seth from after-school chess. And then who can come be with Anna and Levi? What hospital will they take him to? How will I get there? Will I be too upset to drive? I’ll have to remember to shut the oven off because I have that casserole cooking.” Totally unfounded anxiety. He was never in a car accident of any sort. I never told him all my crazy thoughts…just was always really glad to see him when he got home.

Never in all my anxious thoughts did I imagine how I would really lose him. Because cancer happens to other people.

Love this Book

Posted on February 19, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

Last night in my melancholy restlessness I went to Barnes and Noble. Just had to escape my house, where nothing was feeling right. I picked out two new books of poetry. One of them was this one:

Now I learned how to read when I was 3 and have degrees in both English Literature and Library Science and I have been told from a very tender age to “never judge a book by it’s cover”. Utter bullshit. I judge every single book that I read by it’s cover. I also very rarely pick up a book by a male author, but that’s just prejudice. I love music by male artists more than female artists…so…it balances out??

Anyway….female poet…and this cover…done deal. I love the “nature Medusa” look with her hair all leaves and flowers in my favorite colors. And she looks so peaceful. And then the eyes in the leaves….intriguing. I had to read it and see what this poet is all about. Such powerful poems filled with pain…loneliness…betrayal…self-doubt…and then also re-birth and self-love. Even in her most pain-filled poems there is an underlying grit…and encouragement to never give up…and to look to nature for solace and comfort. Loved…loved…loved it.

The other book I haven’t delved into yet….but it is completely opposite of this one…so I’ll have to update you once I jump in.

Winter Weekend

Posted on February 18, 2023 by mfregien6c146e4539

Weekends. I love and hate them. I need the break from work and the constant “people-ing”…but I also struggle to keep myself from sinking. Last night, our friend was playing a match for Jason’s old USTA team again. Seth and I went to watch. When I watched a few weeks ago I had a fun time…this time…I was struggling. So sad….couldn’t bring myself to even go out for drinks afterward. Told myself I was just tired and came home and went to bed.

Today I’m melancholy and restless. Just haven’t been able to settle. Thought maybe some fresh air would help…went outside and played with the dogs…nope. Thought maybe I needed a project to do…started cleaning a small part of my kitchen. Wanted to be done with that as soon as I started. Thought maybe I could escape into a book…nope. Harry Potter video game? Nope. I did rearrange some of Anna’s plants. I am getting to be a better “plant Grandma”. Some of them are even growing new leaves! Started some soup that Seth really likes. Might as well make him happy!

Oh that child of ours. All of the sensitive parts of Jason and I in one package. I love all of our children fiercely, but he brings out all my protective Mama Bear instincts. Don’t eff with him or you will see my teeth. Watching him try to navigate this world without his Dad has brought me worry…tears…stress…and unbelievable pride. People might think he’s taking some sort of “easy way out” by living at home and not “doing anything” right now…but if you think it is easy in this society to be a 19 year old boy and admit that you need to pause and get mental health help…think again.

So…here I am…sitting in my “writing spot”…wondering if there’s any hope for “Spring”.

Endless Winter

Watching the world out my window
Snow on the ground
Trodden and worn
Icy on the surface
Treacherous
For the unsuspecting
Soul

Sunlight bright
Glaring off the snow
Welcomed, but painful
Like a slumbering bear
Emerging from her den
Blinking ferociously at the
Offensive sun

The steel skeleton of my gazebo
Standing steadfast through the winter
Waiting to be clothed again
With flowers and a roof
A safe and peaceful refuge
When the world gets too loud
And intrusive

Every now and then a brave chickadee
Emerges from the naked tree branches
Flits to a feeder
Selects her choice of delicacy
From the buffet
Flies back to the tree
Leaving the feeders forlorn and waiting

The air is still and cold
Quiet windchimes
Flags hanging
Waiting for a breeze
To breathe them back to life
Winter can’t last forever
Can it?