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Well, I thought I was going to have a semi-relaxing “me” day today…laze around the house…not get dressed…that sort of thing…so. very. wrong. Instead I spent hours at the Honda dealership finalizing my “divorce” with US Bank. After multiple phone calls with them in the past month…dealing with the hassle of even getting them to talk to me…having them turn off my auto pay without telling me…I finally thought I had it resolved…my payments set up to keep paying the lease every month until it ends in September. Nope, today they called me and told me continuing the lease is not an option since it’s in Jason’s name. I either need to turn the car in or pay it off. What?! Why was I not told this before by any of the other people I have talked to in the last month??

I got off the phone and just broke down. I knew that I needed to get my car taken care of TODAY for my mental health and that I had reached my mental and emotional capacity to deal with it by myself…so I called in backup…aka Jeremy. Cheryl let me steal him for the afternoon so he could go sit at the car dealership with me and get my car taken care of. It took hours and the guy at the dealership having to talk to THREE separate people at US Bank to even get the payoff quote…but I now own my car IN MY NAME…and don’t have to deal with those US Bank f’ers anymore. Merry Christmas to me. Given a choice I will NEVER finance anything through them again.

I’m grateful to Jeremy and Cheryl today for being there when I needed them during this busy time of year. Most things I can deal with by myself…and really need to just to prove to myself I’m capable…but I guess there is strength in realizing there’s also a time when it’s okay to call in “backup” even if all the “backup” does is sit next to me while I write out a big check 🙂

Not a good day today. Personal stress and work stress all converging into a silent scream. Some days I feel like stress and grief are turning me into a person I don’t even like very much and I really hate that. Recently someone actually told me that I “don’t have a sense of humor” which is pretty close to the worst insult I can think of. I used to have a great sense of humor. I would laugh hysterically at the littlest things. Jason would say “You really crack yourself up don’t you?”. To which I would reply “Well, you married me for my sense of humor didn’t you?” Real laughter is a lot harder these days.

I had dinner plans with Terri after work today. She helped me decompress quite a bit before I came home, but I still feel like there is a huge stress ball in my gut, my nerves are stretched to their breaking point, and my jaw hurts from constantly clenching it. The kids all had plans tonight. Anna’s at a friend’s house and the boys are playing tennis. I’m glad because I am no good for anyone tonight.

I’m trying really hard to get in the Christmas spirit. Yesterday, Anna and I made Chex mix…definitely a holiday staple in our house. Today, my sister came over for the afternoon and her, Anna, and I made some cookies. I made sure we made Peanut Blossoms because they are Jason’s favorite.

I’m trying…but it’s hard. Again, if it weren’t for my kids, I wouldn’t be doing Christmas anything….but I want them to be happy…so I’m trying.

I’m not looking forward to this week at work at all. All the people asking if I’m ready for Christmas. My response has become “as ready as I’m going to get”. I just want to hide for the next two weeks and venture out again in January.

This right here is the only good things about the Holidays for me this year…all my chicks in my nest…plus an extra just for breakfast 🙂

This morning I am exhausted….and maybe a titch hungover…but I’m grinning ear to ear as I’m sipping coffee out of my new red Santa mug.

My Baby Girl is on her way home from school this morning. She made a point to leave early enough to be home in time to go out to Saturday breakfast with the boys and I. We all love our new Saturday breakfast tradition. Once she is here I think she’ll help me get a little more Christmas spirit going in the house.

Last night my grief counseling group met for a Christmas party at my friend Terri’s house. Oh my goodness! It was so much fun! It was almost 3am when I got home. In a lot of ways we are the oddest mix of women. And it’s so strange to me how quickly we have become so close…and also that I have all of these really good friends that Jason has never met…yet he was the one that brought us together. We just all take emotions as they come. We laugh. We cry. We listen to each others stories and get to know each other’s loved ones through them. We all understand the need to talk about our people…to keep them alive through memories and stories….to say their names often.

I have a lot of hope for a good day today.

Tonight I went to the Empty Chair service at River Valley Church. It is a special service that they have for people who are missing someone this Holiday season. Jeremy and Cheryl were there as well and I think the three of us would all agree that it was a very worthwhile experience. It was moving. It was touching. It was healing. I’m already planning on going again next year. I sobbed like I haven’t sobbed since Aug 4th at 8:22am…but I felt like I was surrounded by love…and like it was a cry that was a long time coming.

A few things that the pastor said that stuck with me…grief is the result of losing great love…there is a time for grief…grief cannot be rushed…grief will come and go…people who have not experience grief cannot understand it. Many of those things I already knew or had experienced, but it was very validating hearing him say it.

The next few days will be busy! Tomorrow night I am going to a Christmas party with my grief counseling group. I am looking forward to that so much! I haven’t seen the majority of the ladies in person for months since all of our meetings are over Zoom. I really am looking forward to it. Hugs…tears…laughs…it will be great.

Saturday Anna is coming home! I can’t wait to squeeze that girl!!!

Well, it’s official. Seth was accepted to North Central Technical College in Wausau, WI and will be pursuing his Associate’s Degree in Software Development. His first day of class will be Jan. 24th. We’ll move him to Wausau the weekend of Jan 15/16.

This feels so much harder on me than it did when Anna started her Freshmen year in Aug. 2020. A lot of it has to do with Jason being gone now, but it is also just a difference in kids I think. Seth is my Peter Pan kid. The one who I know would be perfectly happy living in my basement and not growing up. He’s the quiet one. The sensitive one who feels so deeply and holds his cards so close to his chest. The one I worry about.

He is also the one that worries about me. Who says to me point blank, “But Mom what will you do when I leave? Will you be okay? Who is going to help you get Levi where he needs to go?” I just tell him how proud his Dad would be of him right now and how proud of him I am…even if I am sad…and that he needs to spread his wings and not worry about me. I can tell he’s excited and that makes me happy.

Feeling frustrated, defeated, vulnerable, sad tonight. I’m trying to do all the right things…getting things put in my name, etc…and it is hard. It’s emotionally draining….and I’m finding that some companies really don’t seem to give a shit about you and will do everything they can to make the process harder. I don’t have the energy for that. It makes me feel vulnerable and stupid…and angry that a company would take advantage of someone in my position.

People keep telling me I’m so strong. I don’t feel that way tonight….but I guess I’ll get up tomorrow…do all the things again…find some time to make more phone calls. It’s not like I have much of a choice.

I had a good day today. Sometimes when I have a good day it is hard not to feel guilty about it. How could I possibly have a good day without Jason? But, you know what? He wants me to be happy. You know how I know that? Because he is constantly still taking care of the kids and I. I feel that very strongly. He puts people in my path at just the right times. I get texts from people with the exact words I need to hear. I feel like I can’t go on and 5 minutes later someone is there to give me hug. I cry myself to sleep and than have a dream about him. It’s happened way too often in the last 4 months to be coincidental. My sad moments still completely outnumber the happy ones…but if I can have one good day that means there’s hope for more…right?

My good day started out with breakfast with my friend Vicki. Our Sunday morning schedules hadn’t meshed for a few weeks so we had a lot to catch up on. It was great and so relaxing. Levi and I went out shopping this afternoon. The stores/parking lots were a little crazy, but I managed…and had a good time hanging out with him. I went for a walk with my friend Jen this afternoon…hadn’t seen her for awhile either, so another fun catch-up. Then I stopped at Caribou to grab coffee and ran into a friend I haven’t seen in months…and that was the icing on my good day…even better than the coffee! Throw in some texts and phone calls with friends and my day was really good! I even managed to go through some more stuff in our bedroom and go through a box of outerwear. Packed some more bags of long out-grown caps, gloves, mittens, and coats.

Today I decided to pack up what’s left of Jason’s clothes after having the the awesome quilt made out of his shirts and putting aside a few other things. One of my friends has connections to a homeless shelter for men that is always looking for clothes, especially in winter, and I like the idea of them going to people that can really use them. They aren’t doing anyone any good sitting in drawers in our house. I packed up five bags of clothes!

Then I started going through other things in our bedroom. His nightstand, piles and piles of papers, lots of “stuff”. That was harder than the clothes for me. Jason always had a little bottle of lotion and chapstick in his pocket. I never had chapstick and was forever asking him for his. Those were on his nightstand….along with a bottle of Tums…which he popped like candy at night.

One drawer of his nightstand is full of all the cards the kids and I ever gave him. Right on top of that drawer was an anniversary card that he had gotten for me at some point and had never given to me. I wonder when he got it? He passed away a few weeks before our 21st anniversary and I don’t think he remembered our anniversary was coming up and wouldn’t have been able to get out and buy a card by himself. Unfortunately, he hadn’t written anything in the card. It was still in the bag from the store. It hit me hard though.

Jason is a packrat with other things too. I found lots of papers from when we volunteered with Cub Scouts…must have been 4ish years ago. Lots of papers from various tennis he helped with. I went through a box of personal things he had in his desk at Boston Scientific….pictures of the kids and I…pictures the kids drew him.

It felt good to see some progress made this afternoon. Our bedroom floor was getting so covered in piles of papers and “stuff” I could barely walk in it. It is far from “done”, but it looks and feels a lot better. Of course, it also made me very, very sad. Every time I get rid of something of his…no matter how small or “worthless”…it is just another reminder of him not coming back ever again.

The boys and I went to Jeremy and Cheryl’s for dinner and to hang out this evening. It was really nice to be there. I was having a bit of a hard time picking myself up from the sadness of the afternoon, but it was relaxing and we had fun playing cards together. My mama heart loves to see my boys smiling and laughing…and I always feel like Jason is smiling down on us extra big when we’re with his family.