I am feeling all sorts of tapped out tonight. Levi had his first band concert in….awhile…since pre-covid. Can I just say how much I hate single parenting? Not because it is so much work…or I can’t handle it…or I don’t want to go to the kids’ events. It just really sucks that it is “just me”…I’m it…all they’ve got. The majority of their friends have Mom and Dad…even if their parents are divorced…not mine…not anymore…and that really sucks. I hate walking into places and seeing all the parents together enjoying their kids’ concerts, games, etc and being solo. I just hate it.
I did think about texting one of my friends tonight to see if I could sit next to her so I wouldn’t be by myself. I didn’t because I didn’t want to feel like some sort of odd third wheel with her and her husband. Ironically, she walked in without her husband…he was doing baseball with their son…and she sat down next to me. Five minutes later another friend was also in the same boat…so the three of us sat together. It did make me feel better not to be sitting alone.
One of the band directors at the high school passed away from esophageal cancer about a year ago. Anna had worked with him quite extensively during her four years of high school. He was an amazing man. The band did a really moving tribute to him…with his high school-aged daughter conducting. It was really hard for me not to ugly cry during that. The edge of my mask was soaking up some tears. It’s hard to see what the “big picture” could possibly be. What could possibly be the reason for taking these amazing people away from us…leaving their families…friends…communities…behind to grieve them? It doesn’t make sense.
I feel like I should have a lot to say today…it’s been a really crazy, busy day…but some days poetry just comes out…
Stuck Inside
The words won’t come today.
They’re stuck inside-
Like schoolchildren
On a rainy day.
Looking out the window
The playground is empty
And lonely
Rain runs down the slide like tears.
Maybe tomorrow the rain will dry up.
There is always hope
The sun will shine again-
Eventually.
Wednesdays are my counting day. Today makes 12. I want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed…have to go to work. Another day. Seven more before 13.
When Jason was on hospice the last few days of his life my neighbors gathered in our driveway…to support us and say their “goodbyes” to Jason. They gave me a windchime. I love it so much. I can hear it from anywhere in the house. It reminds me of Jason and also that I have “people”. Today it’s going like crazy. Love that.
I feel like I have a lot to “unpack” tonight. First, of all I have to write about my dreams that I had last night. People have asked me if I dream about Jason…and I have…but so far they have all been kind of “abstract”…like I knew Jason was there…but I couldn’t really see him…hard to explain. Last night was not that way at all. I was lying in bed facing away from his side of the bed…like I always do…and suddenly I felt his hand on my cheek. And I remember thinking “Well, that’s not Linc”…because our dog always sleeps next to me now. So I turned around and Jason was laying there. I remember thinking “You’re back!” and putting my hand on his face and running it up and down his arm. And we just laid there like that for a bit looking in each other’s eyes and then I asked him how he was feeling…and he said “I don’t know”…and I remember feeling upset about the way he said it because it was the same way he said it when the hospice nurse came to see him on Saturday morning (the beginning of the end)…like very confused and not knowing what was happening to him. I think my being upset woke me up…but I could still feel his hand on my cheek.
It took awhile to finally fall back to sleep after that dream, but the second dream I had was in an airport. I was at the desk trying to get my boarding pass and the guy wouldn’t give it to me no matter how much I begged him. I kept telling him that my husband and I bought the tickets together and he was already waiting for me. He was really apologetic but just kept saying he couldn’t give me my ticket even though it was paid for.
Those two dreams kind of stayed with me all day today. I loved dreaming about Jason, even thought it was upsetting in the end. And I think the second dream is self-explanatory…I can’t follow where he is right now, but I know he’s waiting for me.
Work was…well…work…a bit more stressful than usual lately. As I was leaving I got a text from the friend of mine who is making a quilt out of Jason’s shirts for me. It is absolutely gorgeous and I can’t wait to wrap myself up in it.
Then I got home and had two packages on my step. You might remember a post where I talked about missing how Jason always said “I love you” to me before going to sleep at night and I posted this picture that I took out of a card he had given me
Well one of our dear friends, Sarah, from college took that and put it on pillowcases for my bed. Now when I go to bed my pillowcase will remind me how much Jason loves me. One of Jason’s cousins, Mindi, also took Jason’s signature and made a sign out of it for me
So tonight I am feeling all the feels. It is almost 12 weeks already that Jason has been gone…and in that time I have learned a lot…about grief…about myself…about other people. My grief right now is very heavy and fresh. I don’t know at what point the missing of someone starts to fade, but it hasn’t happened yet. I miss him more each day than the one before. Which isn’t surprising considering when he was alive my love for him kept growing more and more each day. My tears are closer to the surface much more often…maybe the numbness is wearing off…I don’t know.
I do know that at some point I won’t be lying when I tell people I’m “ok”…I really will be. That point feels very far off right now. I do know that I am doing the best that I can right now for me and for our kids. We’re all trying to figure out what life without Jason really looks like…especially with Holidays coming up.
What I am learning about other people is interesting. A lot of people don’t know how to act around grief. It makes them uncomfortable…or they are fascinated by it…or just kind of clueless. They ask intrusive questions. Say things without thinking. Make the pain worse when they don’t mean to. I try to give those people grace as much as I can…even though that is NOT my strong suit. Jason was much better at that than me.
Grief can also bring people together. Some of the relationships that have been built and/or strengthened in this past 11.5 weeks are worth everything to me. Life’s too short. Fix what’s worth fixing. Move on from what’s not.
After my sad post of this morning I decided to do the responsible adult thing…blah…and get the lawn mowed. When I was done mowing the lawn I saw a text from my friend, Vicki asking if I wanted to go to lunch. We usually do breakfast on Sunday mornings, but she couldn’t this morning. Turns out that lunch was perfect timing…and did so much to turn my mood around today. Our lunch turned into spending the afternoon together…I bounced some ideas off her for my house…our dogs even met each other and we went on a walk. We always say we’re going to go on a walk, but never actually do…so “yeah us” today.
This evening I decided to get a knitting project out that I have been working on off and on for years. My only issue with knitting right now is that it has always been something I do while I watch a movie or something on tv…and I am having a really hard time finding anything I want to watch. I decided to take a chance on “Cruella” tonight on Disney Plus and it turned out to be a good choice. I have always been a little fascinated with seeing things from the villain’s point of view…everyone has a story after all!
So all-in-all I’m ending my day better than it started. Hopefully I can sleep well tonight so I can tackle the week ahead.
I’m having a rough morning. I was cold when I went to bed last night and missing Jason to cuddle up with…he would have complained about my cold feet and then let me tuck my toes up against his legs. Going to bed alone sucks. I should probably put the flannel sheets on the bed today and make sure the heated mattress pad is plugged in…Jason loved that thing…he would preheat the sheets before he got into bed.
This morning I’m drinking my coffee and listening to “Acoustic Sunrise” on the radio. I love acoustic music…but today every single damn song is tugging on my heartstrings. Tears were rolling down my checks listening to Duran Duran “Ordinary World”…a song that I don’t think I’ve ever really listened to the lyrics of before.
I’m looking outside and thinking that in other years I would have convinced Jason to get lost in the woods somewhere with me on a day like today. He would say “this could be the last nice day to get yardwork done” and I would grumble and convince him to go hiking with me…and probably stop at Caribou for coffee. Now I’m sitting her feeling sorry for myself writing sad poetry…blah
Fall
A season of intense beauty
And death.
Your fall
One last flash of all your beautiful colors
Before darkness.
Now we clean up the remains
And prepare our hearts and homes
For winter.
Spring
Is a promise of new beauty
Someday
Without you
Today felt like a productive day…which is a good thing. I get stuck in “grief paralysis” so often that I feel like I do nothing and end up just frustrated with myself. I started the day out with a haircut. On my way home I decided to text the boys and see if they wanted to go out for breakfast…I thought we could visit one of my friends from my counseling group that works at Original Pancake House. Apparently everyone had the same idea this morning as there wasn’t even any street parking available in front of that restaurant! We ended up at Perkins instead. It was still good starting out the weekend with my boys…we might make Saturday morning breakfast a tradition! Whenever we eat at home I get like 15-20 minutes of interaction out of them before they are back in their rooms. Hanging out with Mom is not a teenage boy priority…who knew? LOL
When we got home I got stuck for a bit…sat on the couch…couldn’t move to do anything. Then I decided I could clean the kitchen because it is the least “Jason” room in the house. That felt really good! I disposed of a huge bag of meds and decluttered all the countertops. Now I’m looking around on Etsy for some cute “coffee bar” wall thing or something to put up. Maybe if I start in the easier rooms and work my way up I’ll be able to tackle our bedroom in a few years.
The dogs were excited to go for a walk today. It was so nice out…I tried to get them to stop so that we could take a selfie together. Well that didn’t work much…
Levi also played tennis today. He played pretty well and won his matches. He struggled a bit in the first match but I was really proud of how he hung in there and came from behind to win! It is also great to see how he is thinking out there on the court and not just trying to hit the ball as hard as he can every time. He is using a lot more strategy in his game and coming up to the net a lot more. Jason would have loved some of his volleys and points up at the net today.
I have a lot on my mind tonight…really missing being able to talk things through with Jason. He was the practical one…the one that could see “big picture”…who shouldered a lot of responsibility while I was constantly trying to figure myself out.
I’m sure he was frustrated with me sometimes, but he never let it show. He just always encouraged me to do my best and put so much faith in me.
Now I’m shouldering all the responsibility…no back up if I eff up. I hate it. I don’t think I was made for this level of adulting.
Babe…if you could just give me some signs to tell me what to do…preferably neon and blinking…that would be cool.
I’m tired and cranky tonight so instead of dwelling on my day…which was fine…nothing “bad” happened…I’m going to write about a good memory instead. This memory goes waaaay back 11 whole years to 2010. Jason and I were both 33.
To set the stage…Jason and I both grew up in big families. I was the second oldest…and the obvious favorite (lol)…of 6 kids. Jason and his brother were the babies in their blended family of 7 kids. My family’s vacations usually entailed camping somewhere in Northern Wisconsin. One year we took a trip to Pictured Rock National Lakeshore in Michigan…and I do remember visiting an aunt and uncle in Chicago…but for the most part we camped. Great memories were made. I think the most exotic trip that Jason remembered going on was out to Yellowstone…and they also took lots of trips to North Dakota to visit family. Again…lots of great memories.
So back to my memory…here we are 33 and neither one of us had ever been on an airplane. Jason was working at Boston Scientific by this time and they decided to send him and a few of his coworkers to a conference in Denver. When Jason found out they were sending him he was so nervous about the plane. I think mostly that he would get motion sickness and throw up…he absolutely hated throwing up. The conference was during the week..Monday-Thursday I think…so he asked me if I would want to fly out to Denver on Thursday and meet him and spend the weekend out there with him. I think he was surprised that I said yes because he didn’t think I would want to fly on the plane for the first time by myself. He would at least have coworkers to fly with and show him the ropes. I was not about to miss out on spending a weekend in Denver with him though! As it turned out one of his coworkers had the same plan with his wife…so her and I flew out together.
This was not only our first “airplane vacation” it was also the first time we had really left our kids for the weekend. Anna was 8, Seth 7, and Levi 4. We had such a great time together. We hiked in the Rockies. Rode the cog railway up to Pikes Peak. Went to the Garden of the Gods. Took in the Cave of the Winds…I was on full alert for bats! It was fantastic to have that time to concentrate on each other and just have fun together. Of course we talked about the kids a lot…either that we were glad they weren’t along (when we were hiking)…or when we did something we thought they would enjoy (like the cog railway up the mountain).
This trip was the first of many more “airplane vacations” and I think really gave us a desire to see more of the world. There are so many beautiful spots out there and it is so fun to explore and discover them with the people you love.
I had a very busy day yesterday…went to bed without writing about it…and then tossed and turned all. night. long. There was almost a 2:00am blog post…
Yesterday I went with 5 other women from my grief counseling group on a road trip/field trip. We drove over to Stillwater…walked around a bit and had lunch…and then drove up to Taylor’s Falls…had ice cream…and drove back. It was the first time I had met any of these ladies in person…but it really didn’t feel like it at all. There were a lot of laughs…and only a few tears…plus there was gorgeous weather. It was a really good day. It’s amazing how sharing heartache can form strong bonds pretty quickly.
In the evening I met up with the insurance guy I wrote about a few weeks back who lost his wife to brain cancer 5 years ago. That was great too. Although his wife had a different kind of cancer than Jason, he and I had a lot of similar experiences and emotions as spouses and caregivers. He was the first person who I have encountered that really “gets it”…brain cancer…young spouse…kids…trying to hold the pieces together somehow. He gave me a lot of things to think about. Two of them have been in the forefront of my mind today.
The first is the idea that “people are watching me” to see how I deal with Jason’s death…how our family deals with it…how we journey through grief…and spiritual/religious beliefs that are all wrapped up in that. Obviously I write a blog about my journey. It started with Caring Bridge…as a tool for me to keep people informed about Jason’s health and how our family was doing…then with this blog it morphed into something much more for me than for anyone else. Writing helps me process my day…my feelings…things that have happened. This is where I am “real”.
So let me be completely real for a second because the insurance guy asked me about my spiritual path last night…fair question…and I think maybe one of the things that people wonder about as they are “watching me” grieve. Other than asking for prayers…and thanking people for their prayers…I don’t really say much about it. Why?? Because I believe in God but I am also completely confused and more than a little bit angry right now. I do believe that Jason is in Heaven. He was such a completely good person how could he not be?? But why did this happen to him?? Why do horrible things like this happen to good people when there are so many assholes out there walking around completely healthy?? I want to stomp my foot at how unfair that is. Insurance guy said that there is always a bigger picture…a bigger plan…we just can’t see it yet. I guess I’d like to believe that in some way some good can happen out of all of this pain.
I remember a night when Jason was sick. We were laying in bed and I was crying. Completely heartbroken…overwhelmed…devastated. I said to him “I just don’t understand why this is happening to you” You know what he said? “Cancer doesn’t care”. Why is it that he was able to be so much more accepting of his fate than me? He was always the better person. The one with more grace. The one who was just so selfless.
That was a lot for the first thing I have been thinking about today…on to the second. Insurance guy said that he has a friend who always is telling him he has to “live his own story”. I don’t know why that hit me as being very profound because it is really so simple on the surface. Maybe because I always worry about what other people will think…or what someone else would do…or I search for approval for my actions. Maybe it’s because right now I feel stuck and frustrated…unable to go back…unable to look to the future…miserable in the present. I have no idea what my story is now…but I have to remind myself that I do have some power in what my story will look like.
So that’s why I was tossing and turning last night. Lots of heavy thoughts. Today was a less heavy day. Work and then a nice walk with a friend.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 